Romance is the new horror
Good afternoon, my name is Melissa Glisan, and I write romance. I feel like I should admit that fact with all the pathetic sincerity of someone entering a twelve-step program given the freakish route romance has taken. Yeah, I know, in real life romance is pretty much a joke. Its just a trick most guys use to get laid. We know this, which is why 90% of us read romance novels. At least in our imagination it sounds pretty damned sincere.
What do I mean by romance = the creepy? Well, I thought I had it bad enough as a writer who refuses to use “purple prose.” You know, the old stand-bys of “his purple helmeted man-hammer delved her throbbing, wet sheath.” Sorry, I snickered just writing that crap. However, reputable groups for writers look down on those of us who don’t “polish the pearl” opting instead for words like clit and (insert fainting virginal Victorian Aunt squeal here) cock. I mean let’s be serious, if I’m laughing at my own writing so is my reader, no?
Then I got an eye of the newest competition.
1. Nothin’ says lovin’ like arranging for your girl to be the syphilitic sloppy seconds of a spent heavy metal band.
According to Spinner.com fans actually implored the members of Metallica to sleep with their girlfriends. Ew.
Yeah, I could only imagine wanting to be the guy bathing happily in Lars Ulrich’s spooge while saying, “guess who loves ya baby?”
2. Choose-Your-Own-Adventure romance books for those guys and gals who just don’t have the time to send an email to their loved one overseas.
It’s like a bodice-ripper version of ad-libs. Simply provide them with 26 different characteristics (including pets, kind of a freaky thought, just what is Fluffy’s role to be anyway?), and give them your credit card then voila! You’re the proud new owner of a romance novel – starring you and your sweetie – that you co-authored.
To me this is like the vibrator for the prudish, single, spinster types that refuse to think about sex toys let alone consider using them. “Oh! Eustace, you’ve got to read this novel I penned! It features me and Johnny Depp!” Sad and rather disturbing.
And last but not least…
3. Amish Erotica
There, I said it. Amish porn, it is real and it exists. Oh sure, the writers and readers will defend their little niche market as being “spiritual” and “uplifting” but we know better. Take for instance the first line of the novel “Hitched”:
“Hey hot stuff, you wanna sit with me at the singin’ tonight?” Oh yeah, that is so chaste. I couldn’t read anymore, all my twitchy brain could envision were couples sitting around a fire while these two were playing gargle and rinse. Totally puts those bearded dudes with the buggy whips into proper perspective doesn’t it? Bet ol’ Abner could give a lesson or three on domination, bondage and the proper wrist-flick for a switch.
In all honesty, when my mom (yes, my mom, much to my sadness) brought home a stack of these, I was freaked out. I think her having a theton reading by Scientologists would have been less traumatic a shock to the system. Then I found websites where the Amish sell bondage harnesses and floggers and I felt like I needed to bathe – in gasoline.
All I ever wanted stuck in my poor, abused brain was a hairy-legged, bonnet-clad Amish chick playing “pony” in the barn whinnying for ol’ Jebediah.
That’s it. My romance muse has been deep fried and served with a side of slaw. Maybe it is time for me to go back to writing Penthouse Forum Letters under the name Mike.
What new trends in the field of romance do you guys find disturbing?
I just KNEW the Amish had porn. haha!
Totally. Just go to Amazon and look up “Amish romance”. If you want the real stuff, do a Google search on “Amish made leather floggers” you’ll be amazed. So much for that wholesome and pure crap.
I have the same problem with so called “Christian” romance that isn’t really different than regular bodice-rippers. There are some that are pretty racy, except the main characters claim to be so-called saved.
Hmm…Maybe I’m saved then, ’cause I saved $14.99 in not buying any of those books. For some weird reason they all come in trade paperback size, never smaller or ebook. It’s a conspiracy, sort of like the 700 Club.
I like to use my imagination most of the time when reading romance!
Just like in real life, having a a few clothes can more more of a turn on than nudity. Even Christians are human and are tempted. I also do not like reading M/F/M books. Many thanks…..Cindi
See, it is for this reason that I held off on sharing the most disturbing romance killer I had unearthed. A Russian hairdresser was robbed only to turn the tables on the assailant. After tieing him up, she promised her scared patrons she would call the police, and closed shop. Then, she plied him with Viagra and… well, the rest is seriously unnerving. He ended up going to the police after she let him go and handed him the money he’d tried to steal. http://www.theregister.co.uk/2009/04/21/russia_robbery/ So you can be struck speechless like I was.
As the provious blogger stated I use my imagination while reading and the books I won’t read are m/m for some reason can’t imagine myself as the heroine. Oh wait could be because there is no heroine lol. And I don’t like erotic romances that imo are not truly romances just out and out porn. I can read m/f/m and have truly loved some of them but they romances with true feeling all around. And omg Amish porn is just too much for my little brain to process so I am just going to ignore lol. Like you I believe in calling a spade a spade and languege doesn’t bother me in thie least.
I’ll never be able to joke about farming euphemisms again, not after skimming a few of my mom’s books. It’s like walking in on your parents, only uncooler.
I think what bothers me the most is when authors are told by publishers what is in and what isn’t. A good book is a good book no matter what genre and I really think the best books are the ones authors feel they want/need to write and hopefully not just something they think they should write – whether it be erotica or Christian romance (two of my not favorites although I will give any book a chance lol).
What about interracial? Not just black and white but Asian, Hispanic or the like?
Personally, I am not into the Paranormal or the Menage books. It is a good thing that we can choose from so many different genres. You did ask what bothers us and this is my answer.
I want one partner, period. I don’t want my man to actually turn from animal to human or vice versa but like him to be a tiger, figuratively, in some instances. Thanks.
Tigers are cool, but after watching that scene involving Siegfried and Roy and their white tiger…ummm…I’ll have to let other people write it. I do like clouded leopards, mountain lions and jaguars though (not the car…lol)
I read all genres. I do not like the sex scenes to be violent. A writer can get his or her point across without the severe writing of the violence.
Prettied up rape scenes are something I will NEVER do. Nope. Not ever. BDSM, yeah, but those weren’t violent per se.
For me, I am not into m/f/m, m/m or f/f romance. I like my romances to be about one couple’s journey to falling in love.
Romance for me is between a man and a woman. I’m avoiding any book with relationships that are beyond the man/woman. Life is too short why waste time reading about those kind of relationships.