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But It Is A Tradition

By: Bobby Finstock on 04/24/09 @ 7:59 am

I love a good excuse, I always have. Even excuses used by sex offenders. What I can’t take though is a crappy excuse. One of the crappiest excuses used in society today is that “it’s a tradition” excuse, which is directly related to “that is the way we have always done it” line. Both of them are pretty easy to deploy and both are equally lame.

Now I am not saying that every tradition is pointless and horrible. What I am talking about is when there is something that doesn’t make sense or that is clearly wrong and then these excuses are used.

It doesn’t matter if these lines are used in politics, sports, or in your family life dropping either one of these excuses into a conversation proves three things:

1) The person or people that came up with the tradition didn’t have a better solution so this just stuck.
2) The people that came after the original tradition creator were unbelievably fucking lazy and instead of coming up with something better they just kept plugging away with the status quo.
3) That the person using the excuse now is too stupid to see points one and two.

Let’s deploy these three points when looking at a law here in Massachusetts.

The Law: A woman can not be on top in sexual activities.

How it happened: (or how I think it happened) Sir William Newton was married to a severely overweight wife. While having marital activities one night Mrs. Newton wanted to ride him like a rented mule. (Her term not mine.) While doing so Mr. Newton’s relatively small junk slipped out of his beloved’s no no touchy spot and was snap in two with all her weight crashing down on it. With his broken junk Sir William Newton went before the Commonwealth and used his power and influence so women could not ride.

This fits point one because we all know the simpler solution was shooting his wife and saying she died of typhoid.

Fast-forward a few years later to 1692. Instead of changing the law or ignoring it altogether it was actually reinforced when Sarah Good of Salem Massachusetts was talking to her friends. She admitted being in the top position and how it was the only way to bring on strange convulsions that felt really good. A few children overheard the conversation and accused Good of being a witch. Good was charged in the infamous Salem Witch Trials all because she liked to ride the bologna pony.

"If riding is wrong I don't want to be right."

"If riding is wrong I don't want to be right."

Point two is proven in that paragraph because instead of just changing the law they burnt half of the females in the town on the stake because of their sexual preferences.

Finally point three was proven when I had to dump the first girl that I dated from Massachusetts because she didn’t want to end up in prison for being on top. Citing Massachusetts state law and these historical points she turned down sex with me, while much more creative than the typical headache excuse I realized she wasn’t adventurous enough for me and broke up with her.

While I thought this proved point number three maybe it was more due to the fact she didn’t want to have sex with me which makes me the stupid one.

What do people call a tradition that you find totally stupid?

About the author

Bobby Finstock

Finstock is founder of Pointlessbanter.net. He is known for his encyclopedia like knowledge on the life and times of Scott Baio. In the future he hopes to write again under his own name in order to impress the ladies and build his celebrity to the levels of other failed internet writers.

17 Responses to “But It Is A Tradition”

  1. I think of the whole, “We’ve always had segregated proms here in Georgia” thing when it comes to “tradition”. I think that school in Georgia actually reverted back to segregated proms after the one year they tried desegregating them. Way to be forward thinking, Deliverance.

  2. Meghan says:

    Wow…no weird sex traditions that I have ever encountered or used as an excuse.

    Is it illegal to fake it or is that encouraged?

  3. That’s the lamest excuse not to have sex with you I’ve ever heard. She should have used what I used every time I’m too tired to have sex with you.

    “My ass-tampon is stuck again.”

  4. Morgansdead says:

    Man, just read the short story “The Lottery” by Shirley Jackson (currently working on a literary analysis). Or any time my mom would say “I brought into this world I can take you out” or every dumb broad that excuses herself for being a whore by stating all too proudly “my daddy touched me in the no-no spot” or worse yet “my daddy didn’t love me enough” Whatever dude!

  5. Karl Rove says:

    Is that still an actual law in Mass.? I may need to spread that around…

  6. stygyan says:

    Bullfighting in Spain.

  7. C says:

    The bologna pony is my new favourite phrase ever.
    And that excuse she gave you is hilarious.

  8. Marcie says:

    I used to live in MA before NH and I totally did WAY more then the missionary position….BURN ME AT THE STAKE!

    I think NH may have the same “law”

  9. Marcie says:

    Ill be waiting.

  10. John says:

    didn’t Newton complain that as his stallion mate rode on top of him, that the immense size of her tits almost suffocated him as she reached her climax ? that’s what I remembered as being the gravity for his complaint

  11. Nyree says:

    Circumcision. (with added ‘it’s got medical backing’)

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