Text me If You Know These Guys

Surely by now you have heard of the story of two dudes from Pennsylvania that, in an alleged attempt to break some ridiculous world record (set in India, of course), text messaged a total of 217,000 times in the month of March.

I am not a big fan of text messaging, but then again I am not a big fan of cell phone use in general, certainly in a capacity that makes otherwise normal people oblivious to everyone around them, fills them with self-importance and makes everyone speak and/or write in garbled gibberish that reeks of ignorance and general douchebaggery. Unfortunately, we all see this kind of assholish indulgent behavior every damn day, most notably from Finstock’s favorite demographic, girls under the age of 18.

I don’t know anything about these hosers other than that they are from Pennsylvania, the land with towns that have fire stations with taverns on top of them. Apparently fighting fires after drinking seventeen bottles of Yeungling is more effective. Who knew?

So, in my attempt to shed some light on these new celebrities, I will use my intuition and years of knowledge gained from gratuitous people watching at malls and high school girls locker rooms various points of interest to paint you a portrait of these guys, so that you’ll know everything about them without having to read anything else.

1. They’re gay. (Not that there is anything wrong with that.)

Really. Two grown men in their late 20’s, early 30’s and they are texting each other 217,000 times a month with little phrases like “LOL” and “Hello” and they aren’t plugging each others assholes? Please. I don’t know of any straight males that text each other more than 3 times a month without feeling the need to go and visit a Hooter’s, drink a Budweiser, fart the alphabet and try to fondle the waitress under her orange shorts, nude colored nylons and other 80’s style gear. “But, Nick has a wife…” you say?

Well, clearly…

2. The wife is a beard.

She’s a ruse. She is  the legal version of the fellas way to  attempt to deflect any possible thought that the two guys are gay. Julie’s vibrator has an extended warranty on it. Batteries are on standing order. Her washing machine is on spin cycle a dozen times a day. And why? Her “hubby” is playing tummy sticks with his BFF, that’s why. HE SENT OVER 70,000 MORE TEXTS than his counterpart, which clearly shows that not only is he gay, and that his wife is a beard, but that he is the one initiating contact more, he is more likely to dress in women’s clothing, paint some rouge on his face and tuck his sac back while filming himself.

3. They aren’t Amish.

They may be from Lancaster, but texting is frowned upon by the Amish community, just like phones, electricity, motorized vehicles and having sex with someone outside the family.

4. They aren’t geniuses.

So, they went to school together a decade ago at the Berks Technical Institute. BTI? Never heard of it. What is that place? The feeder school to ITT Tech? What are they qualified to do after they graduate from Berks Technical Institute? Clean soda can machines and operate CB radios? Sorry. If you want to convince me that you’re even slightly intelligent guys, tell me you didn’t go to a school that even Everest Institute students make fun of.

I can’t think of any more things to say about these guys, other than, “OMG. plz, guyz. u arnt foolin neone. time 2 cum out n show ur real colorz. lol.”

Aren’t broad generalizations and rampant speculation about people you don’t know fun?