Writing about airline travel is probably the most overdone joke ever. But who says I am original?
Last week I flew to California from Newark. (Here is a little side note. In the Newark airport every shitter in the bathroom was full and overflowing with crap. I think that is some nice symbolism for the entire state of New Jersey.) As I boarded the plane I noticed there were no video screens. Before we took off we were told by the flight attendants that the only entertainment that was going to be provided was… whatever you brought.
Of course I was disappointed that I couldn’t watch an over-edited movie with some crappy sitcoms after. Sure I had a book, my ipod, and a notebook to write in but I was worried that I didn’t know how I was going to spend five hours entertaining myself. Thankfully I was on a plane full of idiots.
1) There is a some sort of God and he/she/it likes to screw with me- My feelings on left handed people are well known. While in general I am not a fan of genocide I can get behind the elimination of all left handers. Of course I was stuck in the middle seat with the guy to my right being 6 foot 3 and left handed.
We battled while eating with each of our elbows colliding and then we had the classic armrest battle. You move your arm away from the armrest and the other person quickly takes it. At one point when I gained position my elbow started to feel uncomfortable on the armrest but I wouldn’t move it out of spite. You could feel the tension between the two of us and we didn’t exchange words during the entire flight.
To the left of me was a drunk girl (she got on the plane hammered at 7:30 in the morning) that was going to LA for the Coachella music festival. When she woke up (4 hours into the flight) we talked for the remaining hour causing the icy relationship between me and the guy on my right to grow.
2) I hate all females under the age of 18- At one point in our flight we hit a rather rough spot of turbulence, a little worse than average but not by much. The teenage girl sitting two rows behind me started screaming like we were going down. Her mother was sitting next to her saying, “Take a deep breath I don’t think we are going to crash.”
The thought of me standing up and jamming her Twilight book down her throat crossed my mind more than once. Granted it might have been the first time she had ever been on a plane but really… I think the rule of thumb is you can’t freak out until you see masks dropping from the ceiling or (insert appropriate joke here):
-the Hudson river outside of your window
-a house in Buffalo
3) Sit your fat ass down- On my flight there was a group of people traveling to a wedding on the west coast. One of the people had to be the annoying aunt in the family. Throughout the flight they would all get up and mingle with each other. However when the large aunt got out of her seat it officially went too far.
Not only could nobody get by her in the aisle which led to people basically falling into the first seat on an aisle to attempt to get around her, crushing a small Asian child each time but she chose to get up each time the air waitresses were coming down the aisle with the cart.
It always led to an awkward exchange between her and the crew. They couldn’t just flat out tell her to sit her fat ass down but you could tell they were super annoyed because they had to wait for her to go back to her seat and move the cart 15 rows up so she could make it back. Each time this happened they were rolling their eyes, making expressions, and mouthing things to each other.
On their last time through the cabin one of the attendants snapped and basically told her she was in their way and she needed to get to her seat. She closed the biting instructions with, “Social hour can continue when we are on the ground and you aren’t slowing down everything else for the rest of the plane.” For the next hour I got to listen to her bitch about the flight attendant to her husband who had head phones on and was clearly ignoring her.
When it was all said and done there was plenty of entertainment to go around.
I don’t have a closing question because I am sunburned and exhausted.