Earlier in the week I wrote about people making last requests and I made a joke about auctioning off my sperm on EBay. I did receive a few emails from people asking if I really could do that. Sufficiently freaked out I mulled this over for a few days and decided that it probably isn’t in my best interest or my legacy to auction off my baby batter.
So instead I am going to offer something special to all the people that have read my blog for years. I am willing to clone my penis for you using this kit (site NSFW) I found online. Straight males don’t get disgusted and bail out yet. There are benefits for everyone involved.
Here is my sales pitch. Please choose the category you fall under and read the applicable sales pitch.
Women- We all get lonely. You know it and I know it. We also all have needs. What better way to cure your loneliness and desires than hopping on the Internet to read a poorly written blog by me all while using your official pointlessbanter.net dildo? Nothing I say… nothing.
Gay Men- This is the closest my penis will ever get to a male asshole. Might as well get what you can.
Lesbians- I know you tend to like oversized black dildos to use on your partners. (If I am to believe what pornography has taught me.) So this is kind of a hard sell because I am not oversized nor will my flesh like reproduced penis be black. So I guess the only upside is to use this as a gag gift before you muff dive on each other.
Straight Men in a relationship- A lot of men are threatened by the idea that their wife or girlfriend owns a sex toy. I say that you purchase one of these to give to them so you can say things like, “At least mine isn’t that small.” Or my favorite, “You leave me and you will be forced to use THAT all the time.”
Straight men not in a relationship- You can throw this at children that mess up your lawn, a cat going through your garbage, or hide it in your roommates bed as a practical joke.
So there you have it people. How can you turn down an offer that good? For $75.00 you can own your own Pointlessbanter.net penis.
Please note: Slackmistress styled fleshlights. Matt Warren asshole molds, Donkeysosa anal beads, and Armand Assante’s Left Ventricle cock rings are all in development.
Who is ready to order?