"Maybe it was a dream, you know, a very weird, bizarre, vivid, erotic, wet,
detailed dream. Maybe we have malaria."


Who wants a clone of my penis?

By: Bobby Finstock on 04/16/09 @ 6:09 am

Earlier in the week I wrote about people making last requests and I made a joke about auctioning off my sperm on EBay. I did receive a few emails from people asking if I really could do that. Sufficiently freaked out I mulled this over for a few days and decided that it probably isn’t in my best interest or my legacy to auction off my baby batter.

So instead I am going to offer something special to all the people that have read my blog for years. I am willing to clone my penis for you using this kit (site NSFW) I found online. Straight males don’t get disgusted and bail out yet. There are benefits for everyone involved.


Here is my sales pitch. Please choose the category you fall under and read the applicable sales pitch.

Women- We all get lonely. You know it and I know it. We also all have needs. What better way to cure your loneliness and desires than hopping on the Internet to read a poorly written blog by me all while using your official pointlessbanter.net dildo? Nothing I say… nothing.

Gay Men- This is the closest my penis will ever get to a male asshole. Might as well get what you can.

Lesbians- I know you tend to like oversized black dildos to use on your partners. (If I am to believe what pornography has taught me.) So this is kind of a hard sell because I am not oversized nor will my flesh like reproduced penis be black. So I guess the only upside is to use this as a gag gift before you muff dive on each other.

Straight Men in a relationship- A lot of men are threatened by the idea that their wife or girlfriend owns a sex toy. I say that you purchase one of these to give to them so you can say things like, “At least mine isn’t that small.” Or my favorite, “You leave me and you will be forced to use THAT all the time.”

Straight men not in a relationship- You can throw this at children that mess up your lawn, a cat going through your garbage, or hide it in your roommates bed as a practical joke.

So there you have it people. How can you turn down an offer that good? For $75.00 you can own your own Pointlessbanter.net penis.

Please note: Slackmistress styled fleshlights. Matt Warren asshole molds, Donkeysosa anal beads, and Armand Assante’s Left Ventricle cock rings are all in development.

Who is ready to order?

About the author

Bobby Finstock

Finstock is founder of Pointlessbanter.net. He is known for his encyclopedia like knowledge on the life and times of Scott Baio. In the future he hopes to write again under his own name in order to impress the ladies and build his celebrity to the levels of other failed internet writers.

31 Responses to “Who wants a clone of my penis?”

  1. Meghan says:

    I haven’t even used my pointless banter bumper sticker yet… This might be asking too much.

  2. Tam says:

    Acccttuuualllly, my husband and I’ve purchased one of these and it was sufficiently hilarious and disturbing both at the same time.

  3. C says:

    I think I’ll pass on all of those offers, but your dedication to readers is unparalleled. You’ve reached new heights (lows?) Bobby Finstock.

  4. David says:

    I think you could have very substantial sales volume in the trannie community so they could practice giving you deep throat blow jobs.

  5. Vince says:

    You know you could probably make it a black dildo if you add dye or food coloring but then you would probably have to walk around with dye on your dick and I don’t think the ladies would be interested in something like that.

  6. JD says:

    i order two just last week ….

  7. You should be up for some sort of Humanitarian Award for this. Homeless people need dildos, too.

  8. Waldo06 says:

    Throwing them at children that go on your lawn. By far one of the best things to do with a sex toy.

  9. Erin Happycamper says:

    can you auction off your dildo on ebay?

  10. Melissa says:

    Finstock you liar! You can too get it in “deep tone” for those who want the “once you go black you’ll never go back” experience. Personally, I liked the glow in the dark one. Never have that “Oops! Sorry honey, I hit the wrong hole,” in the dark nonsense EVER again. Not unless he wants the lit candle version inserted after his drunk ass passes out. Hmmm….either I just went TMI or gave your readership too many ideas.

  11. Uncle John says:

    Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…the old Herman Helmet is now available for all to see and use…..this item to be sold in limp, semi-limp and the Bobby Finstock All-Star Grand Slammer with matching scrotum balls for soaking or eating, and they’re all slashed price

  12. Ally says:

    I’ve been WAITING years for this.. Its about time!!! Put me on the order list!! lol Im not sure what i will do with it first… So many ideas…

  13. goodness gracie says:

    You know…I totally want one but $75 is a little steep. Don’t I get a loyal reader discount or something. I’ve been reading your blog for over three years now! How sad is that? No discount? Free shipping at least?

  14. December says:

    I appreciate your willingness to share, both your anatomy and the viruses that may or may not be lurking in your netheregions. However, this sort of request is far beyond my reach.

    But man, if I had that seventy five bucks I do have a girlfriend who is also a virgin and getting married this year……

  15. Max says:

    Someone recently told me that I should have a clone, so their single lonely girlfriends could get a good lay or be seen by their friends with a stylish chap or what have you. (They don’t know me very well). In fact, they said I “should start popping them out,” which, as a dude, is a mixed metaphor convoluted enough to jump start my brain into actual creative thought without the usual necessary coercion. I suppose that is not entirely true because my first thought was that I could totally nail this one single lonely girlfriend in particularly. But with this one thought, I came to the realization that, with modern cloning technology, I’m pretty sure I could get a clone of myself that was female. How freakin’ weird would that be?

  16. [insert "bailout package" joke here]

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