Who wants a clone of my penis?
Earlier in the week I wrote about people making last requests and I made a joke about auctioning off my sperm on EBay. I did receive a few emails from people asking if I really could do that. Sufficiently freaked out I mulled this over for a few days and decided that it probably isn’t in my best interest or my legacy to auction off my baby batter.
So instead I am going to offer something special to all the people that have read my blog for years. I am willing to clone my penis for you using this kit (site NSFW) I found online. Straight males don’t get disgusted and bail out yet. There are benefits for everyone involved.
Here is my sales pitch. Please choose the category you fall under and read the applicable sales pitch.
Women- We all get lonely. You know it and I know it. We also all have needs. What better way to cure your loneliness and desires than hopping on the Internet to read a poorly written blog by me all while using your official pointlessbanter.net dildo? Nothing I say… nothing.
Gay Men- This is the closest my penis will ever get to a male asshole. Might as well get what you can.
Lesbians- I know you tend to like oversized black dildos to use on your partners. (If I am to believe what pornography has taught me.) So this is kind of a hard sell because I am not oversized nor will my flesh like reproduced penis be black. So I guess the only upside is to use this as a gag gift before you muff dive on each other.
Straight Men in a relationship- A lot of men are threatened by the idea that their wife or girlfriend owns a sex toy. I say that you purchase one of these to give to them so you can say things like, “At least mine isn’t that small.” Or my favorite, “You leave me and you will be forced to use THAT all the time.”
Straight men not in a relationship- You can throw this at children that mess up your lawn, a cat going through your garbage, or hide it in your roommates bed as a practical joke.
So there you have it people. How can you turn down an offer that good? For $75.00 you can own your own Pointlessbanter.net penis.
Please note: Slackmistress styled fleshlights. Matt Warren asshole molds, Donkeysosa anal beads, and Armand Assante’s Left Ventricle cock rings are all in development.
Who is ready to order?
I haven’t even used my pointless banter bumper sticker yet… This might be asking too much.
P.S. Is the Matt Warren asshole mold a little over 6ft tall and wearing a Cubs Hat?
It isn’t six feet tall don’t let it lie to you
Acccttuuualllly, my husband and I’ve purchased one of these and it was sufficiently hilarious and disturbing both at the same time.
GTFO…. did you give it away as a gift?
AWESOME.
I think I’ll pass on all of those offers, but your dedication to readers is unparalleled. You’ve reached new heights (lows?) Bobby Finstock.
Liar… you know you want to order one.
I think you could have very substantial sales volume in the trannie community so they could practice giving you deep throat blow jobs.
I just threw up in my mouth there.
You know you could probably make it a black dildo if you add dye or food coloring but then you would probably have to walk around with dye on your dick and I don’t think the ladies would be interested in something like that.
There would be some questions about my junk. I can’t have that.
i order two just last week ….
It is the gift that keeps on giving.
You should be up for some sort of Humanitarian Award for this. Homeless people need dildos, too.
We can’t forget about the sexual needs of the homeless.
Throwing them at children that go on your lawn. By far one of the best things to do with a sex toy.
Isn’t that what they are designed for?
can you auction off your dildo on ebay?
Probably not but there is only one way to find out
Finstock you liar! You can too get it in “deep tone” for those who want the “once you go black you’ll never go back” experience. Personally, I liked the glow in the dark one. Never have that “Oops! Sorry honey, I hit the wrong hole,” in the dark nonsense EVER again. Not unless he wants the lit candle version inserted after his drunk ass passes out. Hmmm….either I just went TMI or gave your readership too many ideas.
I can’t go away from a realistic version. I have to keep the look and feel of what I was born with.
Wait, does that mean we get the infamous curve?
That’s right, I remember that blog.
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…the old Herman Helmet is now available for all to see and use…..this item to be sold in limp, semi-limp and the Bobby Finstock All-Star Grand Slammer with matching scrotum balls for soaking or eating, and they’re all slashed price
I will be giving them away to the salvation army shortly.
I’ve been WAITING years for this.. Its about time!!! Put me on the order list!! lol Im not sure what i will do with it first… So many ideas…
Sounds dirty
You know…I totally want one but $75 is a little steep. Don’t I get a loyal reader discount or something. I’ve been reading your blog for over three years now! How sad is that? No discount? Free shipping at least?
Alright free shipping and I will give you five bucks off.
I appreciate your willingness to share, both your anatomy and the viruses that may or may not be lurking in your netheregions. However, this sort of request is far beyond my reach.
But man, if I had that seventy five bucks I do have a girlfriend who is also a virgin and getting married this year……
Someone recently told me that I should have a clone, so their single lonely girlfriends could get a good lay or be seen by their friends with a stylish chap or what have you. (They don’t know me very well). In fact, they said I “should start popping them out,” which, as a dude, is a mixed metaphor convoluted enough to jump start my brain into actual creative thought without the usual necessary coercion. I suppose that is not entirely true because my first thought was that I could totally nail this one single lonely girlfriend in particularly. But with this one thought, I came to the realization that, with modern cloning technology, I’m pretty sure I could get a clone of myself that was female. How freakin’ weird would that be?
[insert "bailout package" joke here]