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Five Ways To Totally Screw Up Your Child

By: Bobby Finstock on 04/15/09 @ 6:04 am

As I get older I think about spreading my seed… well where I admit and confirm that the child is mine. (There may to be 5-7 kids out there in various states with 5 o’clock shadow as a newborn.) Life though is precious and raising a kid is hard. The last thing I want to do is bring a kid into the world and turn them into a sociopath. After mulling this over I have determined that there are five sure fire ways to totally screw up your child.

5) Enter them into a beauty pageant


My favorite train wreck to watch is child beauty pageants. I don’t know what is more disturbing to me, the overly eager attempt to turn ones 4 year old daughter into a sex object or how the mother (who never could have been in a beauty pageant) is living vicariously through the child.

Spray on fake tan is reserved for Fergie, New Jersey Guidos, and slutty girls for prom not a five year old.

The result: You child will be stripping or eating her feelings while fake tanning way too much all while suffering from the inability to apply makeup properly.

4) Do nothing


I had a few friends growing up that had parents that were entirely way too laid back.

Tom: Why is Jeff burning down the neighbor’s house?
Jeff’s Mom: He is expressing himself. We don’t like to over parent and crush his spirit.

It really is okay to say “no” to your kid once and awhile. The laid back parent usually is someone that had an overbearing parent and instead of finding a middle ground in styles they just go with the polar opposite. Remember in life moderation is key. Just ask any functioning alcoholic.

The result: The kid will still be living at home until their 30s perhaps smoking a ton of weed and playing video games waiting for “their big break”.

3) Over Coach Them


This is the male version of the beauty pageant parent. Every kid that I grew up with that had his or her dad as a coach was a complete head case. I didn’t really realize how destructive it was until I moved from a small ass town in Western, NY to California and you had kids with personal pitching coaches. There you saw complete meltdowns, fights with parents, fights with pitching coaches vs. regular coaches vs. parents, and kids being treated as a product.

Some people may argue that this builds pride, a work ethic, and molds them into a potential professional athlete.  You can see the “I hate my dad and life” expression develop if you watch closely enough, which is a fun game to play.

The result: Jail or a bum. Nothing is more disappointing when you are programmed for one result your entire and when that doesn’t happen you have nothing to fall back on and no other dream to achieve. Holding up a liquor store or going on meth binges sound like a good way to pass the time.

2) Rule with Fear


I have met people in my life that have debilitating fears because of things their parents told them as a child. Instead of having rules or explaining things clearly their parents just use fear to create boundaries.

“John you know if you eat a chocolate before dinner a lion will appear in your room and maul you to death.”

While it is entertaining to watch children shit themselves when you tell them something like that the odds are it is going to have a lasting emotional impact.

The result: Years of therapy and a deep seeded fear of sex because they think their genitals will rot off because of something you told them.

1) Be the really cool parent

This always seems to be a single parent that had their child as like a teenager and really turned their kid into their friend. As the kid gets older the parent feels like they can make up for those years they lost having the kid. So they let the kid and their friends come over and drink. Flirt with their friends. Get tattoos with their kids and attempt to sneak them into clubs.

The result:


That settles it. I can never have children… ever.

What are the easiest ways to screw up a child?

About the author

Bobby Finstock

Finstock is founder of Pointlessbanter.net. He is known for his encyclopedia like knowledge on the life and times of Scott Baio. In the future he hopes to write again under his own name in order to impress the ladies and build his celebrity to the levels of other failed internet writers.

10 Responses to “Five Ways To Totally Screw Up Your Child”

  1. Vince says:

    I think the easiest way to screw up a kid is to smoke crack while you are pregnant.

  2. Add tdat over-coaching guy to the list of people who I want to kick in the nuts. And because they wear shorts like that, they shouldn’t be that difficult to find.

  3. Meghan says:

    This is an excellent list of asshole parenting.

    Over coaching of little boys is so freaking sad. I work with 2 awesome and very athletic 10 & 7 year olds and watching their friends parents flip out and be discouraging to their own sons makes me kinda sick.

    I’ve known older 1st time parents that read one too many books and talk to their children like they’re either 40 year old retards or Celebrated Harvard Geniuses. The 2yr old doesn’t need a 15 minute head shrinking lecture on the nature of all things crapping your diaper in the corner. Give it a rest.

  4. Dave says:

    A therapist once told me (makes you wonder what MY story is, right), “No matter how hard you try not to, you will end up doing something(s) to screw up your kids”.

    In any event, I appreciate you profiling those who do it with such flair.

  5. goodness gracie says:

    I locked my kids out of the house today…accidentally…I just kinda forgot they would be coming home when I was at work. Hey, at least it’s not raining.

  6. Isha says:

    Ugh, when I used to be a nanny, I dealt with all these types of parents. Some people just should not have children.

    The worst though is not raising your kid at all and basically making the nanny the “mother” of your child. I’ve seen that when I lived in Manhattan, when you are a Caucasian-American, don’t speak Spanish, but your child is conversing in detail with Nanny Olga about how much of a douche you are and doesn’t understand a word your saying in English….complete fail.

  7. Melissa says:

    My personal favorite is the parent who caves and buys their kid everything they could never possibly have had when they were kids. These are the types that usually end up with blue hair and piercings before junior high and a brand new ink job for passing 9th grade. Trust me, I’ve met these kids as teens, usually as they’re turning purple from pitching fits in the electronics sections because mommy didn’t buy them the newest version of Halo on XBox.

  8. December says:

    Over parenting.

    Im pretty sure my nephew is going to be a serial killer.

  9. Nyree says:

    Give them the impression that if they try, they’ll get hurt or that it’s unlikely they’ll succeed. Result: Adult with low self esteem and self confidence.

  10. Jw says:

    You forgot 2 other types. The turn your kid into unpaid labour type and the treating the children unequally type. Talk about issues.

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