As I get older I think about spreading my seed… well where I admit and confirm that the child is mine. (There may to be 5-7 kids out there in various states with 5 o’clock shadow as a newborn.) Life though is precious and raising a kid is hard. The last thing I want to do is bring a kid into the world and turn them into a sociopath. After mulling this over I have determined that there are five sure fire ways to totally screw up your child.
5) Enter them into a beauty pageant
My favorite train wreck to watch is child beauty pageants. I don’t know what is more disturbing to me, the overly eager attempt to turn ones 4 year old daughter into a sex object or how the mother (who never could have been in a beauty pageant) is living vicariously through the child.
Spray on fake tan is reserved for Fergie, New Jersey Guidos, and slutty girls for prom not a five year old.
The result: You child will be stripping or eating her feelings while fake tanning way too much all while suffering from the inability to apply makeup properly.
4) Do nothing
I had a few friends growing up that had parents that were entirely way too laid back.
Tom: Why is Jeff burning down the neighbor’s house?
Jeff’s Mom: He is expressing himself. We don’t like to over parent and crush his spirit.
It really is okay to say “no” to your kid once and awhile. The laid back parent usually is someone that had an overbearing parent and instead of finding a middle ground in styles they just go with the polar opposite. Remember in life moderation is key. Just ask any functioning alcoholic.
The result: The kid will still be living at home until their 30s perhaps smoking a ton of weed and playing video games waiting for “their big break”.
3) Over Coach Them
This is the male version of the beauty pageant parent. Every kid that I grew up with that had his or her dad as a coach was a complete head case. I didn’t really realize how destructive it was until I moved from a small ass town in Western, NY to California and you had kids with personal pitching coaches. There you saw complete meltdowns, fights with parents, fights with pitching coaches vs. regular coaches vs. parents, and kids being treated as a product.
Some people may argue that this builds pride, a work ethic, and molds them into a potential professional athlete. You can see the “I hate my dad and life” expression develop if you watch closely enough, which is a fun game to play.
The result: Jail or a bum. Nothing is more disappointing when you are programmed for one result your entire and when that doesn’t happen you have nothing to fall back on and no other dream to achieve. Holding up a liquor store or going on meth binges sound like a good way to pass the time.
2) Rule with Fear
I have met people in my life that have debilitating fears because of things their parents told them as a child. Instead of having rules or explaining things clearly their parents just use fear to create boundaries.
“John you know if you eat a chocolate before dinner a lion will appear in your room and maul you to death.”
While it is entertaining to watch children shit themselves when you tell them something like that the odds are it is going to have a lasting emotional impact.
The result: Years of therapy and a deep seeded fear of sex because they think their genitals will rot off because of something you told them.
1) Be the really cool parent
This always seems to be a single parent that had their child as like a teenager and really turned their kid into their friend. As the kid gets older the parent feels like they can make up for those years they lost having the kid. So they let the kid and their friends come over and drink. Flirt with their friends. Get tattoos with their kids and attempt to sneak them into clubs.
That settles it. I can never have children… ever.
What are the easiest ways to screw up a child?