Six People I Want To Kick In the Nuts (if they have them)
There are roughly over 529 million people in North America. And with all those people comes many cultures, religions, ways of life, yada yada. All good things. I mean, we’re all different, that’s kinda cool, you know?
The unfortunate thing about that many people is that invariably, we all have to do combine math and logic, which is never fun. Why? Because math and logic will inevitably prove to us that in this case, a majority of that 529 mill is gonna piss us off.
Here are six people that, as of today, piss me off. This list could be seven types of people, but I will defer “idiot blogger with a huge self of self importance and bad ideas” for you commenters.
6. Student Activists
Why is it that college students feel that they are being listened to? I mean, for years now we have had to see riots on college campuses, protests over war, meat eating, poor athletic performance, global warming, general horsefuckery, etc, all put on by people that should worry less about the icecaps melting and perhaps put some of that water to use with a little thing called “soap”.
Sure, some world events are shitty. They are outrageously shitty. But I don’t think that Darfur is too concerned with what you, Jimmy “HashBrownie” McStinky, have to say in their defense.
And to take that a step further, the shitty thing is that in 10 years you’re gonna wish that you spent less time acting like a fucking retard and more time learning accounting, because my change at Burger King ain’t gonna count itself.
5. Religious folks that deny the theory of Evolution yet love their Pharmaceuticals.
It’s funny because I read where someone thought the same thing, and I was pissed, because I thought about it too. You see, living in a religiously conservative portion of the country, I get all types of people that force the thought that Evolution is crap, that science is garbage and only the Lord can take care of certain things like health and sickness.
Then I see them in line at the doctors office or at a Pharmacy.
So, which is it? You either think the world was created by God Himself lighting a fart, or you believe Dr. Viagra McRubberglove cures ills…you can’t have both. Science created that pill to help ease your hypertension, for you. Take it and shut the fuck up.
4. Angry Panhandlers
Every week I am approached by some dude who looks like he bathed in a city sewer and his meals consist of used condoms and rat feces. And if that is the case, well, then I guess I would be pissed off too. But that is not the case, because I see these people eat better than I do in a lot of cases. So why the attitude when you ask me for “change” and I don’t give you any? Why must you act so outraged when instead of money I offer you the rest of my meaty, fresh, five…five…$5 foot-loooong?
Because you suck…and you suck because you make more money than I do, in reality. Let’s line up balance sheets, Red Foxx. Odds are with my expenses and my child support, you and the used condom wrapper you ate make more money than I do. So fuck off with that attitude.
3. People (always men) that kill their entire families because THEY fucked up.
These selfish motherfuckers. I don’t get it.
Some unhinged cocksucking scat freak with misfiring synapses that opposes abortion yet goes on thinking that the world is shit and he is “rescuing” his family from it all by killing them too. Let me say I am all for those that believe in science to come up with a “looney tunes o-meter” so somebody can run these people over with a school bus before they end up being described by their old neighbor, Ms. I. Wearabathrobe as “he was so normal. I never thought he would be a guy to do this.”
2. Political/Financial Pundits
Hi there. I’d like to introduce you to Mr. Unhingedcocksuckingscatfreak. Your advice, (advice that is always wrong yet you are millionaires), on TV made him lose tons of money and now he is going to kill his family and himself. Just stand there and smile.
Fire!
1. Facebook Snobs
I’m not picking on females as a gender here, because a vast majority of you ladies are fucking cool. I mean, “I have lots of women friends, yo.” This is for the minority that have this huge sense of self-importance and feel that every man out there is carrying an Ethyr rag with the intent on knocking them out and bending them over an Ottoman.
Look, ladies. Ahem. I understand that there is a certain creepiness factor within this thing we call “social networking”. A vast majority of us men are only being social. No, we’re not looking to pilfer your 1,022 pictures of you and twenty of your closest friends at the bar tongue fucking each others ears while flashing gang sings, in an effort to further our masturbatory experience. So, don’t flatter yourself toots.
It is a social networking site. Odds are, if we have more than a few “common friends”, we share some of the same interests and hell, maybe even met before. So why the inquisition? “Do I know you? Your name isn’t familiar” or my personal favorite, “I’m married you know.”
Hmmm…does it fucking matter? I don’t care if you have the cure for cancer AND Avian Flu lodged in your uterus. I just asked you to be a virtual friend, jerk! So in the case that I don’t know you, I CAN GET TO KNOW YOU! Asshole.
Good Lord, my systolic is off the charts now.
Wow, what a jerk. My dad killed his first family so that they could be with God and to make my mom happy. If you don’t like guys who kill their wives and families, then why did you write about it?
You suck.
I call ‘em like I see ‘em, sir. Also, did dad have a stockpile of weaponry reserved for the Marines also? That always seems to be the case as well.
Well, yes, but that’s purely coincidental. He keeps that stockpile for our family invasion of Canada.
Funny. But you really should meditate or something before you explode into 1000 pieces that guy in #4 might find and eat.
Nah. Bums don’t really like Polish food. I thinks it’s because I heard one of them say, “it smells awful”.
angry panhandlers make me sick. if you ask me for money for some food and i offer to buy you the food…be thankful because you know you can’t do your drugs on an empty stomach.
That’s a good way to look at it. “If you are going to inject that needle, you might want to inhale this Meatball Sub first.” Always looking out for people, aren’t you, kate?
what can i say? i’m a semi-nice person
Well by god, Matthew Warren you’ve completely captured my mood with this vein popping piece of rage!
And you gave me crap about wanting to push an old man down the stairs…
Meghan, you didn’t want to push an old man down the stairs, you wanted to “throw” the old man down the stairs. And with the mood I am in today, I say go for it. What the hell.
You weren’t lying about saving that, were you?
I need to watch my mouth.
Nope. Not lying. Here is the whole thing:
“I would never post something that was so mean about old people” Fooled ya.
With respect to the facebook snobs, I’d little to add to it my hatred for the “puckered lips/kiss lips picture”. I have no fuckin’ clue what to call it but WTF is the deal with this? Do you want to show the face you make when you have something sour in your mouth? Is this the best way to hide your recent herpes outbreak? Or is it “I smell like a fish so I should look like a fish”?
I agree with your last statement 100%. It has to be the fishy smell. There is no other plausible answer than that one.
Ahem, excuse me. I’m quite sure you know someone rather well with a picture like that and she can guarantee you it has NOTHING to do with any of the reasons you listed. So you can just go suck on that.
Other than that, Horsefuckery – Matty I love you
Well, of course you are the exception. I’m sure it is those Sour Patch Kids you so love.
As I was reading this I kept wondering what was the inspiration, but then I got to the last group and it all made sense. Some snot turned down your friend request.
I think I might try the panhandling angle as this lawyer shit aint payng the bills.
I would add to the list all of the has-been/never-was jocks who think fantasy “anything” is to be taken seriously and spend all night talking about it at ther bar.
Every now and again I get a snot that turns me down, and they all look/act the same way. In retrospect, I probably wouldn’t want to be their friend anyway in real life because I would mock them mercilessly. These are also the same people that use the terms “kewl” and “yip”.
And that is the last time I spill my entire mock fantasy draft list to you over Miller High Life.
It is miller lite or PBR. High life sucks.
There is a difference between playing fantasy sports – hell i have a league on facebook, and believing you are actually playing the game.
This is supposed to be GOOD friday. You sound a tad crotchety. Must have woken up on the left side of the bed with no pink blanket :-p
And you know this…MAAAAAN!
P.S. – The name is awesome :-p
Figured it was that or SK. And I’m apple pucker-y BECAUSE I got so SK and then *poof* gone.
When I read “kick in the nuts” it reminded me of an emergency I got last night where I basically had to shave this guy from his chest pubes, to his ball fro. Not a pleasant experience!!!!
Did he get his ball fro from Ball Mart? Could you put glasses on it and it would look like Gene Shalit?
And I don’t think I ever will look at Apple Pucker the same way again. Especially while walking up a flight of stairs.
If Ash Wednesday, Good Friday, and Easter have taught me anything, it’s that good things happen when an angry mob reacts violently.
Wait… You’re NOT all carrying Ether rags?! No ottoman action?! What the fuck, Matty?!
Sorry to disappoint you. But, if that is your thing, well, I’m sure that us men can step up the knock-you-unconscious action.
I don’t understand #3’s at all, and there seems to be so many more of them lately (too many nuts not being kicked up into lung cavities).
I couldn’t even imagine killing myself because of what it would do to my kids. Taking everyone else with you because you’re King of the Fucktards??? WTF?
There seems to be an epidemic of fucktards killing everyone in their families lately.
It’s part of a narcissistic personality. They feel the family wouldn’t be able to survive realizing what a fucking piece of shit Daddy is. Never mind NOT being a fucking piece of shit, thereby avoiding the whole episode.
People really do make me sick.
Hilarious post
Haha!!! Freakin’ hilarious!!!
OMG! Like FB is like sooo much better! I don’t really know why because I’m mildly retarded, but it’s all nice and white and clean and I don’t have to have a bunch of guys all over me. I could make my MySpace profile private too, but I’m too stupid to know how.
About the post: A-MEN!
About the panhandlers: The best sign I ever saw said: “She had the better lawyer” Classic!
I guess its a widely known fact that you are the smartest guy I know. If I were putting together a list, I think you put all 6 that I would want to tell to go f*** themselves. Although around here, I don’t run into angry panhandlers all that often. But I bet they are not good to be around.
#5 – Yep. Right in the nuts *POW*
TOTALLY EXPECTED TO BE ON THIS LIST, HEHE.
My ultimate hate is for the #5 religious folk. I went from London to university in the bible belt of Canada, more Mormon than Salt Lake City, and it was all I could do not to explode the 20 times a day one would knock on my door.
On a funny note, my beer drinking drug taking guitarist buddy ended up fucking a Mormon chick, and a few months later got a LDS video tape in the mail about babies and starting a family. I think he went under the radar pretty quick.
Another funny story- Hutterites (like the Amish) abound in the area I lived in, and sometimes they’d “solicit” men to impregnate their daughters because their community was so inbred. My (very Aryan looking) buddy was drinking in a pub when a man came up to him and offered him a pretty generous deal just to do his daughter.
So ya. Them religious people… fucking nuts.
I agree with all of these…but mostly the face book snobs. There are not as many snobby bitches on myspace as there are on facebook.
i could rant on a few things…especially since i just got out of jail i have alot of complaints about alot of different girls…oh dont get me started!
I’m married, you know.
And for the record, there’s only 1,021 photos of me and my twenty closest, drunkest friends for you to masturbate to as you browse my Facebook. Get it right.
that blond sham wow guy not billy mays he sucks but not as bad as that blond peddling whore. my hot mexican woman watches spanish tv and that fuckstick does the same comercials in spanish and believe it or not it even more poke your eardrums out horrible. i would buy a thousand sham wow if i could put the first 30 down this pie holes mouth
This blog makes me happy AND angry.