First Digital Underground Breaks Up, Now This?
Note: Heavy Sarcasm Warning. Like that’s something new…
Well, in case you haven’t noticed, and judging by the extensive, un-fuckin’ believable coverage by most douche and Vagisil infested advertised magazines and TV shows, you have, Lindsay Lohan and Samantha “That Aint Phantom Wood” Ronson have called it quits.
Now, I am among the very few that still live under a rock (see: have a life), so I didn’t know this event had actually happened until about a half hour ago. Believe me, this news rocked me to my core. I’m so sad right now I’m, like, thinking of forging a prescription of Oxycontin, popping them all, buying The Cranberries “Everybody’s Doing It…” CD, putting “Linger” on repeat for a whole day while I disembowel myself by sitting bare assed on a hot tub suction unit…upset.
I don’t know about you people, but, I clearly am the only one that believes in true love anymore. The quest of two people to find each other spiritually, emotionally and physically on a plane of existence so enlightening and wonderful that one should never dare to imagine such beauty out of fear that the real thing would actually blow it away.
I mean, here we have a mentally stable fucking crazy woman who topped out at the age of 12 and battled back from tremendous odds to become the biggest retard on earth. I mean, her status was in doubt for a while there. Good thing she came through.
On the other hand we have a dude, or a chick, let’s go with an androgynous human being (kind of like Pete Wentz), I guess she’s like good with records and shit, and stuff…
And they broke up? Lord have mercy. How will I ever sleep, knowing that Lindsay is out there on the verge of total collapse because of her love life? Will Dina please step up and use her parenting skills to help out? SHE”S IN HELL MOTHER!
Okay. I can’t write this with a straight face anymore. Let me see if I have my facts straight.
Lindsay Lohan, C-List celebrity coke fiend with a driving record as clean as Ron Jeremy’s tighty whiteys blah blah blah, initially likes the cock, decides that backing herself into (insert random former child actors name here) is not “cool” anymore so she starts dating a chick that wants to be a dude, yet only has the necessary equipment by virtue of ordering one online via shutyourmouthbeforeistickmycockinit.com, presumably just by flagging her down on a street corner thinking she was a dealer…or something.
And that relationship didn’t work?
What’s next? You’re gonna tell me that Digital Underground broke up?
Shit.
Does anyone care about LiLo anymore? Who stole my Digital Underground CD?
I am heart broke to be sure. The fact you are writting about this nmeans you care about this stuff which answers you question – who cares. You do.
Now I will go weep at the sahme of having read this not once, but twice.
I only care in the sense that one day I hope to see Lindsay Lohan do that backwards naked crab walk shown in Family Guy.
Digital Underground broke up? You’re kidding me right, next you are going to tell me that NWA broke up, Eazy-E is dead and Ice Cube is doing childrens movies.
Unfortunately, yes to all. I will only see Ice Cube as Craig from “Friday”.
I only see Chris Tucker as Smokie.
“How you get caught stealing boxes on your day off”
Damn. Here come Deebo.
i still don’t believe they were together in the first place in order to break up.
Why must you shatter my belief that these two really had a special thing going? What’s next? Anne Heche and Ellen DeGeneres were a sham too?
I hope those crazy kids can find a way to make their coke-fueled relationship work out. Mainly because they are too fucked up to date anyone else.
I imagine their living room with a huge pile of blow that Tony Montanna would’ve been proud of.
oh no Samantha… how could you let that gem of a woman slip through your fingers? *shakes head* It pains me to say this, but Lindsay is probably as good as its gonna get for you. try getting her addicted to Xanax next time. to take the edge off the crazy. then she will be less likely to have psychotic meltdowns via every social networking outlet because you didn’t @reply to her twitter status.
So does this mean that LiLo is available?
Digital Underground is still together and even released an album recently.
DOES THAT MEAN IT’S THE END OF THE WORLD? JUST CURIOUS, LOL.