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Next Time You See A Man With A Hairy Back You Better Thank Him.

By: Guest Blogger on 04/8/09 @ 11:29 am

There is an underappreciated group currently brooding throughout the world. This group is not of a particular race, religion or members of a specific sexual preference. No, this is a group that is so secretive and important that they make Free Masons look like the Mickey Mouse Club. I am talking about men with an excessive amount of back hair or as I like to call is, a “Sadness Sweater.”

These sad souls do all of the ugly grunt work this wonderful planet has to offer. While many men look at ugly girls on the street and say “Who would marry them?” Well, men with hairy backs are your answer. Much like the dung beetle that feeds on animal feces, men with hairy backs do the dirty work of marrying off the homely, sickly, or fat members of the female gender.


Hairy men take women that the mainstream would consider “unattractive” and make them wives and mothers. These ugly wives and mothers then go on to raise well behaved children (because they need not worry about having affairs due to their ugliness). These kids who are raised by unattractive women and hairy men are loved and taken care of because no other person would want to have an affair with either parent. These kids grow up to be your presidents or congressmen.

Kids with attractive parents grow up neglected and are usually found later on in life wearing fishnet stockings down in Atlantic City next to a 17-year-old Filipino boy on a leash all because their parents were too attractive to pay any attention to them. This is the balance men with hairy backs bring to this world. They do the dirty work no one else would dare touch.

Hairy backs go by many names i.e.: shoulder moss, celibacy hair, shame grass. I am standing up today to disclose a secret I have lived with since I was 16. I have a hairy back. I can no longer enjoy public pools, shirtless posedowns with the neighborhood boys, wear anything that has zippers (I took a half inch wide line of hair off my back when I dressed up as Schneider from “One Day at a Time”) or enjoy a normal civilian life.

A hairy back is not so much a physical feature as much as it is a way of life. We have meetings and folk songs. Harry Truman, Heinrich Himmler, Joseph Barbara, Robin Williams and an abundance of other notable people have all shared in this dirty secret. But, I am here to get the word out. We hairy backed individuals maintain the status quo in this world. So in closing, next time you see someone with a hairy back at a beach, swimming pool, jogging, etc. go up to them and say “Thanks for all you have done. Because of you I am better looking in comparison”

About the author: Jason is 21 and living with backhair.

About the author

Guest Blogger

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18 Responses to “Next Time You See A Man With A Hairy Back You Better Thank Him.”

  1. Cappy says:

    Great line: ‘Hairy men take women that the mainstream would consider “unattractive” and make them wives and mothers’

  2. Tori says:

    I can’t decide if I want to applaud or throw up. Possibly both? At the same time?

  3. *Hack* *Hack*….excuse me while I cough up a hair ball just from looking at that photo!

    Jason, you know as long as you get yourself manscaped, I think you’ll be aiight!

  4. Sadness Sweater. I like that. Good thing my sweater only covers my ass.

  5. gail says:

    hmm, i dated a hairy guy once….he wasnt as bad as the pictures up there but….well im shallow and he had a big penis….

    is there a connection between penis size and back hair???

  6. brookeamanda says:

    Oh, Jesus, I used to do waxing for a living a few years ago. Some guys were so disgusting and hairy, I would gag the entire time.

    • gail says:

      i prefer waxing vagina… i secretly snicker when girls dont think there is any hair arround the back door.

  7. Wynn says:

    Omg, waxing people. I surely couldn’t face it. I’m not on top of the attractiveness scale, but instead of picking hairy people, I pick the kind of social nerds. They suit me, aren’t ugly and nice because they don’t take everything for granted. I guess that kinda places me in the totally average part of the population. Works for me.

  8. Lacey says:

    I like guys with back hair, does that make me weird?

    *Jason…call me*

    • dave says:

      you have made my day my back is covered with hair up to four inches long
      when I have worn a top for a while It also goes into a center partening

  9. ravenwolf says:

    I feel sorry for those guys who are genetically predisposed to having hairy backs. Our society has decided, whether fair or not, that having such an amount of hair is socially unacceptable. It’s not the guy’s fault — bad genes. Perhaps laser electrolysis will help.

    The real losers, however, are the people who make fun of these back hairy guys, who have hair out of fate and not choice. Same for those “ugly” women. The only reason they are “ugly” and “unattractive” is that our society has decided that at this particular time, a certain set of physical features is attractive, and others are unattractive. And those women with the preferred set of features rule and those who do not drool. But, if history is any indication, ideas of attractiveness and beauty change: what rules today, drools tomorrow.

  10. kash says:

    PROVEN!!Hairy backed guys have big dicks,high incomes,and high IQ’s(and guess what,women love all 3!! more than hairless skinny quasi-gay guys with micro-penises!!)

    • jenni says:

      100% not true about the penis size…the other two are usually true. I think the other two are enough to keep me around my hairy backed man…due to my more attractive genes I will eventually have an affair and my kids will not be raised well.

  11. Mike says:

    You’ve not got the whole story Jason…
    There are many people who are really turned on by body hair as a sign of virility and masculinity. Don’t do yourself down – it IS attractive – maybe not to you, and maybe not to the majority. But you are special and there are MANY MANY people who would love you becuase of your hairy back. If that is coupled with an outward going personality – you’re on a winner.

  12. [...] researching the plight of the hairy gentleman, I came across a hilarious and self-deprecating post by a young man name Jason, who argued that: “Hairy men take women that the mainstream would [...]

  13. HBK says:

    Jason, I know where you’re at. I used to run http://www.hairyback.com. I even wrote a rap song about it. Look it up. Anyhow, having a hairy back has done nothing to stop me from getting involved with lots of attractive women – none of whom have ever made mention of it. The only people who care about hairy backs are the cosmetics industry and people who leave comments on YouTube and blogs. Don’t shave your back.

  14. HairyMan says:

    I have had attractive girlfriends for years and currently have one now. Girls that honestly care if your hairy are boring twits. The only women I have ever say anything are women that are not attractive themselves. Women care more about how you perform in the bedroom. Luckily with a hairy back comes more testosterone and higher sex drive. Women are way more interested in feeling sexy and being pursued than your hair amount. I much more prefer a naturally sexy woman that spends more time fucking me and less time in the nail salon.

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