There is an underappreciated group currently brooding throughout the world. This group is not of a particular race, religion or members of a specific sexual preference. No, this is a group that is so secretive and important that they make Free Masons look like the Mickey Mouse Club. I am talking about men with an excessive amount of back hair or as I like to call is, a “Sadness Sweater.”
These sad souls do all of the ugly grunt work this wonderful planet has to offer. While many men look at ugly girls on the street and say “Who would marry them?” Well, men with hairy backs are your answer. Much like the dung beetle that feeds on animal feces, men with hairy backs do the dirty work of marrying off the homely, sickly, or fat members of the female gender.
Hairy men take women that the mainstream would consider “unattractive” and make them wives and mothers. These ugly wives and mothers then go on to raise well behaved children (because they need not worry about having affairs due to their ugliness). These kids who are raised by unattractive women and hairy men are loved and taken care of because no other person would want to have an affair with either parent. These kids grow up to be your presidents or congressmen.
Kids with attractive parents grow up neglected and are usually found later on in life wearing fishnet stockings down in Atlantic City next to a 17-year-old Filipino boy on a leash all because their parents were too attractive to pay any attention to them. This is the balance men with hairy backs bring to this world. They do the dirty work no one else would dare touch.
Hairy backs go by many names i.e.: shoulder moss, celibacy hair, shame grass. I am standing up today to disclose a secret I have lived with since I was 16. I have a hairy back. I can no longer enjoy public pools, shirtless posedowns with the neighborhood boys, wear anything that has zippers (I took a half inch wide line of hair off my back when I dressed up as Schneider from “One Day at a Time”) or enjoy a normal civilian life.
A hairy back is not so much a physical feature as much as it is a way of life. We have meetings and folk songs. Harry Truman, Heinrich Himmler, Joseph Barbara, Robin Williams and an abundance of other notable people have all shared in this dirty secret. But, I am here to get the word out. We hairy backed individuals maintain the status quo in this world. So in closing, next time you see someone with a hairy back at a beach, swimming pool, jogging, etc. go up to them and say “Thanks for all you have done. Because of you I am better looking in comparison”
About the author: Jason is 21 and living with backhair.