Class A misdemeanors: The do’s and don’ts of getting arrested.

I am only 22 years old, just last year I was legally able to enter a bar and order an alcoholic beverage. All at once my years of fake ID’s and harassing my friend’s older sister to buy me booze were over. I was pondering this the other day and how my many years of underage debauchery have earned me more than a few run-ins with the fuzz. Every single time I was pulled over/arrested/hurled out of politely asked to leave a bar, I was able to take something from the experience. Mostly, I learned through various trial and error situations, what not to do when interacting with police. I’d like to share the valuable lessons that I learned, who knows, maybe some of my pointers will come in handy next time you need to talk yourself out of getting arrested for exposing yourself to the pizza delivery guy at a frat party, or maybe you can heed my advice when a cop asks you why you are rolling around drunk in a wheelchair in the taco bell parking lot at 5am when it is not medically relevant for you to be in a wheelchair. Don’t let these situations get the best of you and don’t repeat my mistakes.

Lesson one: Crying hysterically doesn’t really work as a get-out-of-jail free card:

I learned this on more than one occasion. I had heard that if I start crying when getting pulled over, I will most likely get out of the speeding ticket. I decided to try this logic when I was getting carried out of a bar by a local officer for being under 21 and sneaking a handle of rum in my purse. I was young and unworldly and fully not aware that it was bad form to bring your own alcohol to a bar … So the bartender (who was my “boyfriend” at the time, and I use the term “boyfriend” very loosely because we were just fucking) got extremely pissed when I started pouring my own shots and called the cops on me. Anyways, I started balling and begging and telling the cop that I would never do it again and please don’t take me to the “holding room” (because the crime was not sufficient enough to necessitate bringing me to an actual jail.) Didn’t work, Class A misdemeanor for Lacey, and swift punch to the lovejunk for my ex boyfriend.

Lesson Two: Do not approach cops on the street, absolutely shitcanned, when you are otherwise doing nothing wrong, just to tell them you want to do a back walk-over on the hood of their car like Tawny from the White snake video:

This is what we call a lose/lose situation, because the cops will either have no sense of humor and arrest you for public intoxication, or they will try to fuck with you and snicker amongst themselves while telling you to give it your best shot. This is what happened to me. It resulted in me spread eagle on the hood of a cop car in a sundress, successfully denting the hood of the car while trying to attempt a back walk-over. Luckily, there were no cameras around to capture the occasion, it was pretty graphic and not at all graceful, but it did earn me some street cred among the 6^th street APD task force.

Lesson Three: Do not piss in the paddy wagon, no matter how badly you have to go: This did not happen to me, it happened to my best friend, but it’s still awesome all the same, and I wish it would have happened to me. Until it does, I will pretend it is my story. Basically my friend Alyssa and I were both on 6^th street in Austin Texas, we both had fake ID’s and my friend got caught and thrown in the large police van aka the “paddy wagon”, until they could take her to jail. The next day, when I pick her up outside the police station, She tells me that she stayed in the paddy wagon for an hour and had to go to the bathroom so she just dropped-trou and popped a squat right next to a prostitute. This same prostitute later told my friend that she was HIV positive and got arrested for stealing a bike while on ecstasy, she also claimed to have a staph infection. Anyways, there was a surveillance camera in the paddy wagon, so needless to say, Alyssa’s charges were not lessened. Luckily we ran into the same cops that arrested her a few months later on the street and were able to have a good laugh about it:

Me: Hey guys! Remember us? You arrested my friend a couple months ago!

Cop 1: Oh really? That’s cool. *Turns to Alyssa* What did you do?

Alyssa: Fake ID, don’t worry, I’m 21 now.

Me: yeah she even pissed in the paddy wagon! HAHA!

Cop 2: really? Why did you do that?

Alyssa: You guys kept me in there for and hour! I had to go!

Cop 1: We never keep anyone in there longer than 15 minutes.

*Me, Cop 1, and 2 staring blankly at Alyssa…..*

Cop 2: ….Classssssy.

Another valuable lesson was learned on this night by my friend which leads me to Lesson 4…

Lesson Four: If COPS television series is filming you in the jail where you are getting booked, do Not sign the release form, even if they tell you that you look like Paris Hilton:

This really has nothing to do with interacting with the cops directly, but after the producer of COPS, who shall remain nameless (Ken), told my friend that she looked like Paris Hilton and that the camera loved her, she immediately channeled her inner pshycotic drama queen and started screaming and crying and throwing her bra at the cameras… this was all to put on a fantastic display of reality tv greatness to earn her 15 minutes of fame.My favorite part is when they interviewed the officer who had to deal with booking her, and she talked about how the motto for the city was “Keep Austin Weird”, and Alyssa’s display of skanky drunkeness was a good example of why the town has earned that slogan.

I got the chance to have a one on one chat with the producer later that evening when he called my phone at 4am

Me:…..hello?

Producer Ken: Is this Lacey? Alyssa’s friend?

Me:….yes.

Producer Ken: Hi! This is Ken, I’m the producer of COPS the television show, and Inside American Jail! Alyssa just wanted me to let you know that she is okay but she will be in jail til tomorrow, so try to contact her then okay?

Me: *long pause*…..what the fuck?

Producer Ken: We filmed her in jail! *chuckles* she’s quite a character; I really think this is the best story we’ve ever caught on camera!

Me: Sweet Jesus, did she sign anything? You know she was hammered right?

Producer Ken: Yep, she signed over full rights to the footage! She can’t wait for it to air!

Me: Ok whatever, Thanks for the call. Later Ken.

Producer Ken: Goodnight Lacey!

This last lesson is more of a good tip to save yourself from getting arrested…

Lesson Five: If you’re friend is driving you home because you are drunk, but she is also drunk, and you get pulled over, distract the cop with your drunkenness to take the attention away from your drunk friend who is driving:

Did you follow that? I’d like to state that I do not condone drunk driving. It is bad. And I was young and stupid for doing this…. but basically, I was wasted, my friend was a little less wasted, so she opted for driving home. We got pulled over and I immediately started explaining to the cop how drunk I was and how it was my car and How he looked like he was 12 and shouldn’t be a cop because I could probably beat his ass. I then got on my phone and pretended to call my friends to tell them “officer twat” has pulled us over and how funny it was that he looked like Doogie Howser. The cop was so relieved that I wasn’t driving that he didn’t even write my friend a speeding ticket and thanked us for being responsible!

Well, I know what you all are thinking, yes it is pure genius, and your welcome for letting you in on it. There is definitely more where this came from. As far as flashing the pizza delivery guy and DUI’s in wheelchairs, if you have tits, it’s all just a matter of saying “Yessir and No sir” and pretending you didn’t know what you were doing was illegal and you will be in the clear. If you are a dude…I’m afraid you’re shit out of luck, you will probably get arrested.

You can read more about the pointless dumb shit that I do at

www.blisfullyonedimensional.com.