I don’t want to be depressed
I have decided that from now on I am going to be apathetic to everything in the world. Paying attention to the news for the last few months has become a horribly depressing experience. News has gotten so negative that NBC started doing a daily segment about people helping other people during the economic downturn in order to shoehorn something positive into their broadcast.
At this point I believe that everything I eat is going to give me cancer, the earth is going to explode by 2030, and we are all going to be slaves in a giant Chinese plot to take over the world through economic domination.
It is going to be pretty hard to escape all the negative news. Yahoo is my homepage when I open up my browser and every single story in the news section except one is depressing.
Wait a second. Maybe I am going about this all wrong. Maybe I just need to put a positive spin on these stories.
String of bombing attacks in Baghdad kill 21 and wound 64
Positive Spin: They don’t have to live in that shithole Iraq anymore.
New title in my mind: 21 Iraqis permanently relocated with 64 pending applications
Somali pirates hijack Taiwanese fishing vessel, British Ship
Positive Spin: It involves pirates!
New title: Somali pirates hijack Taiwanese fishing vessel, British Ship. Depp to star in sequel with Danny Glover
Indonesian plane carrying 24 crashed into airport hanger
Positive Spin: Maybe nobody liked that hanger?
New title: Indonesian airport to get new hanger
Estimate cost to taxpayers for bailout jumps to $356 billion
Positive Spin: I just threw up in my mouth. There has to be a positive way to look at this.
New Title: Don’t worry we are going to default on our Chinese loans like you defaulted on your mortgage
Competition fierce for few retail, food service jobs that remain
Positive Spin: We should be getting better customer service right?
New Title: Hotness of strippers and bartenders to increase according to new study
I think I am going to go back to ignoring the news.
Do you even bother to pick up a newspaper anymore? (Wait all of those are going out of business.)
I definitely like your titles better. I don’t subscribe to a paper, so no, but I read 3-4 papers online every day and read the weekly physical paper here. It’s more snarky political commentary than news.
It has gotten to the point where I can’t even do snark. I just want to avoid it all.
Your last one gives me hope. I mean, I still have a job, heck two, so as long as “Red Light Dance” prices don’t increase, I won’t have to worry about getting TB from a member of the “B” squad.
“Everybodyputyourhandstogetherfor…Neveah…” Heaven spelled backwards. How clever.
I have no idea what you just said but I just sat here nodding.
The world ends Dec 21, 2012.
and I am all for strippers – the hotter the better.
Strippers need love…
yes they do. And it is a stimulis package kinda thing
I bought the newspaper yesterday so that I could pack up glassware. The only sections I read were the comics and sports pages but even those were depressing because the comics aren’t really funny anymore and all the sports teams in D.C. with the exception of the Caps all suck.
Might as well just poke your eyeballs out at this point… Wait… No… You read this site…. STOP DON’T DO IT.
[...] a friend of SeriouslyGuys, Bobby Finstock, wrote about taking this morning’s depressing news and feeding it through an internal spin doctor, we didn’t realize just how grim all of today’s news really [...]
If you need me, I’ll be living in a bubble… under a rock… on Pluto… which I’ll always think of as a planet.
You would be living a lie then…. living a lie.
You’re a genius.
“Estimate cost to taxpayers for bailout jumps to $356 billion
Positive Spin: I just threw up in my mouth. There has to be a positive way to look at this” (you just got to taste breakfast again? maybe sort of positive in a gross kind of way).
Aw…. you are my little ray of sunshine.
I’m a part-time journalist and even I’ve stopped paying attention to most news. It’s not even the stories so much as it is the media in general. What a shitty industry.
If you ever decide to leave the blogging world, you should seriously consider working for one of those anti-whatever campaigns. Your positive spin reminds me of all the “Above the Influence” commercials I’m hearing.
What you think you’re saying: “Hey! It’s nice to see you.”
What you’re really saying: “You smell like purple.”
Or how about a job twisting the real truth of surveys into something eye-catching and fun? They don’t need the same newscasters who preach murder and rape and high crime rates all day to tell us how much “better” the economy is doing… we just need a little Bobby Finstock on MSN and CNBC each morning! (Sounds kind of like a breakfast cereal when you think about it. “Start your day off right with a nice helping of Pointless Banter Flakes!”)
Okay, I’ll shut up now.
school budgets and iraq. Unemployment and missing people
thats all the news i get around here..
atleast i havent heard about octo-mom in a while now SHE was depressing