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What is on TV at 4am?

By: Guest Blogger on 04/5/09 @ 7:57 am

(After my Uncle’s post for my birthday some people wanted more…. Well here you go.)

When I was just a lad (Woodstock generation-we’re the one’s screwing up the world right now), the TV Guide was the only source we used to see what was on the 6 channels we used to get. My mom checked the programs she wanted to watch when my dad wasn’t looking for every western, war movie and/or any movie we hadn’t seen 500 times before. I was just as elated when I heard I was going to have a little brother coming soon, as I was relieved to know that I wouldn’t be the human remote control anymore, and I didn’t have to sit 18″ away from the screen because we didn’t all fit on the living room furniture. This event alone has evolved me into a bespectacled mutant since I was 7, and the only reason I purchased a 300″ HDTV.

I report for work @ 4 am, so I rise fairly early, make a coffee and watch Sportscenter to catch up what happened overnight and how much money Bobby Finstock blew on the Mets’ (just wait, his bankroll starts dwindling Monday). I caught myself channel surfing and to my surprise, the channel guide takes a break between 2 and 3 am to update the cable box. So I just clicked the channel button to see what was on, and this is what I found out:

1. Poker After Dark…this plays for hours after Jay Leno, Conan the Barbarian, that Daly guy and all late night tv ends for the day. Now when ESPN first aired this, it was kind of neat for a while, especially when I knew what cards the other guys had in their hands. But now the players wear hooded sweatshirts’, tattoos, piercings and EVERYONE wears sunglasses. Now if you notice that little bead of sweat forming under their nose, go all in. If the guy starts acting like Jack Nicholson in “Easy Rider”, fold. Another thing I noticed is that you can park a small vehicle in Jennifer Tilly’s cleavage, and why these guys’ aren’t mounting the woman instead of playing cards’ is beyond me…it is after dark isn’t it ?

2. I’m going to quit my job and sell real estate, start an internet website and sell those “Kick Butt Balls”, or try anything and everything I can to retire at 60, have that blonde come to my mansion with her boobs hanging out interviewing me in front of my pool/waterfall….and in this land of plenty and as long as there is still a sucker born every minute, I can do this all in my spare time…isn’t America truly the land of opportunity, not to mention also Canada and Chad ? I just don’t know if my results will be typical, nor have I decided what actor to portray me in the infomercial….probably Mickey Rourke (is he working yet)?

3. I did know that the Biography channel existed, but for an hour at a time ? The actors’ from Happy Days are mostly dead professionally (except for Scott Baio, Bobby’s alter ego who lives in Bobby’s soul), the cast from that Gary Coleman show are still imprisoned or in rehab, and that Captain Kirk actually interviewed Fran from The Nanny and she actually had enough stuff to talk about for an hour (why is he doing interviews anyway)?


4.The people scare me…the guy who shouts for me to buy Oxy stuff (he’s gotta suffer from throat lesions soon), the dude with the cheesy mustache who wants to clean my colon (I don’t know what tool he’s using for that), and if I take diet pills and extenze at the same, what the hell will shrink, grow and deform me for eternity…and all these commercials are for a half hour…and those women on that extenze’ commercial are, well I’m new to this blogging stuff so I don’t know if they can sue me if I call them sl**’s, but they ain’t pretty

(In closing, when I doze off, my wife wakes me and almost everytime she does, the Girls Gone Wild commercial is on…so the two questions I have to all out there is this…where are all these women/nymphs’ for Bobby to meet and since I can’t buy the video, where is the hottest bar in America}?

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5 Responses to “What is on TV at 4am?”

  1. David says:

    I occasionally wake at 2 or 3 am thanks to my friend insomia. Given the sad state of middle of the night tv, I’ve become really fond of viewing nexflix movies online with my handy dandy laptop.

    fun post – cheers

  2. Sarah says:

    To answer dad’s question…the hottest bar in America is the coast you aren’t on…. Coyote Ugly in Las Vegas, or O’Hagan’s on Cincinatti Stret here in El Paso, they have some hot bartenders!
    Dad you have to keep posting on here, and “BOBBY” needs to put another book out!!

  3. Chris in Canada says:

    good call! I usually find a good movie or one of the Star Trek franchises on SPACE (it’s like your Sci-Fi Network) or if you’re a cheap SOB like me, http://www.justin.tv is another option – while I’m typing this I’m watching classic MMA matches; nothing like guys bitch slapping each other during the wee hours

  4. Mark says:

    Here is a sad day…that Oxy guy is really identifiable. An ad was running for that the other day and my four-year-old daughter says “Look Dad, Its’ Bill Mays”….grumble.

  5. SassyK says:

    You can watch the Travel Channel and USA into the wee hours of the nite as well. USA my show reruns of NCIS or Charmed or Law and Order, but its better than the Master Cleanse guy who looks like he is going to rob your house.

    I’d rather drink washer fluid than to watch late nite poker.

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