The Dos and Don’ts of: Home Depot

Oftentimes we find ourselves in places where we are expected to know more than we do. It is in these places that we encounter a slew of small embarrassments, which if we’re not careful, can turn into an entire store full of people pointing and laughing at you while you make water come out of your eyes and out of your pants.

Compiled here is a tidy list of Dos and Don’ts that will allow even the most simple of simpletons to achieve a level of competence at Home Depot that will prevent unnecessary pants-water, and if you are a male, may cause a vagina within your proximity to twitch with glee.

Just remember that pantswater in a public place is bad.

Do: Research the layouts of every Home Depot on the planet and Know the exact name, model number, and price of the item you are looking for if you cannot locate it.

There is a twofold reason for this. Firstly, most Home Depot employees have not the remotest clue as to what you are talking about. They know absolutely nothing about the products their store sells. They have no idea where they are, what year it is, or what their birth names are. If you are lucky, they know how to use a computer and can look up your item, which is when your knowledge of that item comes in handy. Secondly, the other type of Home Depot employee is the Grumbly Troll. Grumbly Trolls are gruff, dirty, hard-drinking men and lesbians of all sizes. They know the store and its products inside and out because they actually live there. They expect you to know exactly what the gauge is of the length of chain you need, the name of the pipe fitting, and the tradesman’s term for it as well. Yes, that is a U-pipe, but it’s also knows as a P-trap. This will impress them and may cause them to lead you to the item. Knowing the store layout will prevent the inevitable vertigo and your subsequently becoming utterly lost when travelling through the Wood Aisle. I also suggest leaving a trail of books behind you, Cliff’s Notes since they are fairly thin and light, from the moment you step through the entranceway. Fear not that the books will be disturbed, as knowledge is the bane of all Home Depot workers.

Legend has that the Grumbly Trolls were once strong young Contractors who overcharged a sorcerer for a home repair job, and the wizard, in his great anger, banished them to the secret underground tunnels of Home Depot to terrorize everyone. The only way to unlock the secret helpfulness of the Grumbly Troll is to tell it exactly what you are looking for.

Don’t: Ask an employee what aisle they keep a certain item in or where to find a “wrench”, a “drill”, a “pipe, or “some paint”.

The LAST thing you want to do is to ask a Home Depot employee where some random product is. Employees of Home Depot, while generally knowing nearly nothing about any kind of hardware or construction supplies, have an uncanny knack for sending you to the Wood Aisle. If you are lucky, the employee will shrug, and if he doesn’t direct you toward the Wood Aisle, he may accidentally direct you to the Keycutter, who, despite his surly demeanor, is usually sympathetic to your cause and may actually help you escape alive. If you are UNlucky, you will be speaking to a Grumbly Troll who will deliberately lead you to the Wood Aisle and then disappear. If you don’t know the name of the item you need but have a copy of one with you, the Grumbly Troll will eat it and laugh in your face. The only way to escape a Grumbly Troll once they have you in their grip is to allow them to talk you into renting a Power Tiller.

Do: Learn from the mistakes of those who came before you if you find yourself in the Wood Aisle.

As in any Wood Aisle in any Home Depot, the casualties of the Wood Aisle lay around you. A large percentage of them may all have died looking in a certain direction. This either means that they died waiting for what they thought was an employee to come from that direction, or they were charred to death by a fire-breathing Wood Succubus. I hear they’re pretty hot.

Obviously, if you see several adventurers lying in a certain area with large slats of particle board bisecting their heads, it’s probably not a good idea to go over there and try to pull down some particle board. If you find anyone alive in the Wood Aisle, chances are they have been driven insane by the endless search for the exit and will try to eat you. My best advice is to eat them first. Preemptive eating could very well save your life, or at least the meaty parts of your anatomy.

Don’t: Steal from the dead that litter the floor of the Wood Aisle.

It’s also a good idea, if you DO wind up weaving your way through the endless maze of the Wood Aisle, to not take any items from the dead that litter the floors, as tempting as it may be. Even if something on their person is EXACTLY what you’ve been looking for, the consequences of taking it from the cold, rotting hands of Home Depots countless unnamed dead are far too great. The dead in Home Depot’s Wood Aisle are a surly lot and do not take kindly to theft of their precious items.

Do: Dress as slovenly and manly as possible. The more tool belts, pocketed vests, or hunting gear, the better.

This goes for whether you are a man or a woman. The worse you look, the more likely you are to either be ignored or regarded as kin by the Grumbly Trolls. The manlier you look, which can and usually does include looking sloppy, the better chance you have of not having to make contact with any other person in the store. Having a lot of pockets on your vest also makes it easier to hide the Cliff’s Notes. And Twinkies, you fat shit.

Don’t: Be feminine, especially if you’re a female.

Never, EVER reveal that you are an attractive female, even if you aren’t. If you have any sort of prominent feminine trait, like a nice figure, big boobs, a big, round ass, dinner-plate-sized, bumpy areola, or an unmustachioed upper lip…hide them. Attractive women, even semi-attractive women, are like lighthouse beacons in the boggy marsh that is Home Depot. Not only will all sorts of previously unnamed creatures peel themselves from the recesses of the hellish depths of the gardening sections to make their slavering way towards you, but both the standard idiot employees and the Grumbly Trolls will be attracted to your femininity. A danger is also posed by your fellow Home Depot hunters. They often forget the sheer horror of where they are when they get a whiff of lost female. Approaching you also helps them to appear more manly.

Do: Go there with a wingman.

This is more for the guys. If you go with a wingman, you have TWO lifetimes of testicular knowledge that can pool to get you the fuck out of there faster. Plus, you can watch each other to make sure neither of you stumble into the Wood Aisle.

Don’t: Go there with your wife.

This is definitely for the guys. Remember that women have a natural shopping instinct they developed in the wild. By wild, I mean New Jersey. Yes, all women are from New Jersey.

It doesn’t matter that she might be in a place completely and utterly foreign to her. The instinct takes over, and she starts finding things.

“Oh, we really need to plug that pinhole up at the ‘V’ of the roof, honey! I found you a ladder, a harness, and some concrete wall-filler! Oh, and Waldo.”

“Hey, remember when I said we needed to paint the garage? I found eight cans of paint, a tiny paintbrush, and two Mexicans who are willing to let you stand on their heads while you do the ceiling. Now you can do it when we get home!”

“Honey, I just came out of the Wood Aisle and found a bunch of cherrywood. Now you can build that cherrywood dresser for me like I said you were gonna hafta do if I let you put your penis in me. Isn’t that great?”

NO! How the fuck did she get out of the Wood Aisle?