Top Ten Worst Celebrity Name Drops
I was flat on my back, spread-eagled on a table wearing nothing below the waist but a pink paper thong. I was at the salon for my waxing appointment, except that the woman who walked in wasn’t my regular waxer, Meredith. Instead, a blonde woman who blinked rapidly when she introduced herself as Cady, “with a dee why.” She inspected my nether regions and then stirred the hot wax with a wooden spoon.
I wasn’t sure how I felt about the whole waxer bait-and-switch, as I try to keep Total Strangers Looking at my Woo-Woo to a minimum. Cady (”with a dee why”) must have sensed my apprehension, because she turned, smiled, and said:
Don’t worry, I’m Pamela Anderson’s Personal Waxer.
That was the only encouragement I needed.
I ripped off the paper thong, put on my pants, and ran as fast as my stubbly crotch would allow.
Which leads me to the subject of today’s article: Top Ten Worst Celebrity Name Drops.
1. Nicole Richie’s Personal Chef
Her personal chef probably went to the Cordon Bleu School of Diet Coke and Blow.
2. Donald Trump’s Hairdresser
A clear case of how people never tell celebrities and rich people the truth about anything.
3. Paris Hilton’s Gynecologist
Much like Pamela Anderson’s waxer, I don’t want hands that have been near Paris’ crotch to be near mine. I imagine her ladybits to be akin to Dante’s circles of hell.
4. Natalie Wood’s Swim Coach
Turns out Number Two cannot be used as a flotation device.
5. Shane McGowan’s Dentist
They call him Yuck Mouth, ’cause he don’t brush…
6. O.J. Simpson’s Glove Salesman
You’d think he would have sold the Juice a pair of gloves that fit.
7. Sharon Tate’s Realtor
You know that one of the big selling points on 10050 Cielo Drive was that it was “private.”
8. Tom Cruise’s Wife
Always look on the bright side of Xenu, Katie.
9. Michael Vick’s Dogwalker
The pit bull owner side of me wants to throw this guy in a hole and set him on fire. The human side of me that’s capable of empathy and forgiveness? Still wants the bastard to burn.
10. Phil Hartman’s Marriage Counselor
You may remember him from such films as This May Be the Most Tasteless Thing I’ve Ever Written. R.I.P., Phil.
What are some of your suggestions?
Name dropping, the plague of celebrity. How about TI’s Probation officer? Lil Kim’s Talent agent?
Excellent forethought on stepping away from the waxer. There are few hands I would let near my lady parts, and Id want them all to be crab free as well. This was a great read, thumbs up.
I’ve never been so proud to be married to the author of this post.
It’s really a shame that Paris stopped giving Nicole that seventy cents a day.
I suppose a Rihanna/Chris Brown joke is still in poor taste, right?
I’ll settle for “I’m Joan Rivers’ Plastic Surgeon.”
Damnit Warren you beat me too it, that is what I was going to say or I was going to go with “I’m Tara Reid’s plastic surgeon”
How about “I’m MC Hammer’s financial advisor” or “I’m Kristy Alley’s personal trainer” and lastly “I’m Michael Jackson’s Nanny”
Courtney Love’s Life Coach?
Courtney Love’s Anything, really…
Wesley Snipes Tax Accountant
Perez Hilton’s Stylist
Courtney Love’s Press Agent
Pierce Brosnan’s Vocal Coach (sorry-Love u Pierce)
Bernard Madoff’s Ethics Professor
[...] I have to be honest I had no idea what this article meant. In fact I still kind of don’t. But I do know that it has something to do with celebrities and making fun of stuff. So it’s worth the read. [...]
I left out Willie Nelson’s Accountant, Heath Ledger’s Pharmacist, and Chris Brown’s Anger Management Therapist. But the list can go on…
I think it’s worse when the celeb actually uses their own name to get attention. When I worked at BR at the Grove, Faye Dunaway used to get pissy at us for not holding sale items past closing time. She uttered a classic phrase that still makes me giggle to this day: “I’m Faye Dunaway and I’m an ACTRESS.”
This was the line we all started saying amongst ourselves in the stock room. Mommy Dearest, anyone?
Hahaha. AWESOME post slackmistress.
Nadya Suleman’s OBGyn
John McCain’s running mate
Ryan Seacrest’s beard
can that fuzz be considered a beard????
popurls.com // popular today…
story has entered the popular today section on popurls.com…
This was great.
Suggestions:
Joan Rivers’ plastic surgeon(s)
Rosie O’Donnell’s personal trainer
The Toll Operator at the entrance to Paris Hilton’s vagina
Bob Crane’s Electronics Salesman.
Dennis Miller’s History Teacher
What? Too obscure?
Tammy Fay Baker’s make-up artist
Donte Stallworth’s bartender? Stephen Hawking’s personal trainer? Tom Cruise’s image consultant?
the best one was Ms Hilton scratching her snatch….EEWW
your too funny!