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The Single Greatest Thing I Have Ever Read

By: Bobby Finstock on 04/1/09 @ 6:19 am

(Yesterday I shared this from my Facebook and Twitter account. It is just so good I had to make sure that everyone I could share it with read it. This is an e-mail from a soccer coach to the parents of children on his team which is made up of seven and eight year olds. The coach was forced to resign after the parents complained about his letter. It is simply the greatest thing I have ever read. Note: I removed the first paragraph of the e-mail that was the normal details about practice and game times. )

According to my wife, my emails get too wordy, so for those of you read too slowly, are easily offended, or are too busy, you can stop here. For the others……

OK, here’s the real deal: Team 7 will be called Green Death. We will only acknowledge “Team 7” for scheduling and disciplinary purposes. Green Death has had a long and colorful history, and I fully expect every player and parent to be on board with the team. This is not a team, but a family (some say cult), that you belong to forever. We play fair at all times, but we play tough and physical soccer. We have some returning players who know the deal; for the others, I only expect 110% at every game and practice. We do not cater to superstars, but prefer the gritty determination of journeymen who bring their lunch pail to work every week, chase every ball and dig in corners like a Michael Vick pit bull. Unless there is an issue concerning the health of my players or inside info on the opposition, you probably don’t need to talk to me. Coach MacDonald has been designated “good guy” this year.

Fear Green Death

Fear Green Death

Some say soccer at this age is about fun and I completely agree. However, I believe winning is fun and losing is for losers. Ergo, we will strive for the “W” in each game. While we may not win every game (excuse me, I just got a little nauseated) I expect us to fight for every loose ball and play every shift as if it were the finals of the World Cup. While I spent a good Saturday morning listening to the legal liability BS, which included a 30 minute dissertation on how we need to baby the kids and especially the refs, I was disgusted. The kids will run, they will fall, get bumps, bruises and even bleed a little. Big deal, it’s good for them (but I do hope the other team is the one bleeding). If the refs can’t handle a little criticism, then they should turn in their whistle. The sooner they figure out how to make a decision and live with the consequences the better. My heckling of the refs is actually helping them develop as people. The political correctness police are not welcome on my sidelines. America’s youth is becoming fat, lazy and non-competitive because competition is viewed as “bad”. I argue that competition is good and is important to the evolution of our species and our survival in what has become an increasingly competitive global economy and dangerous world. Second place trophies are nothing to be proud of as they serve only as a reminder that you missed your goal; their only useful purpose is as an inspiration to do that next set of reps. Do you go to a job interview and not care about winning? Don’t animals eat what they kill (and yes, someone actually kills the meat we eat too – it isn’t grown in plastic wrap)? And speaking of meat, I expect that the ladies be put on a diet of fish, undercooked red meat and lots of veggies. No junk food. Protein shakes are encouraged, and while blood doping and HGH use is frowned upon, there is no testing policy. And at the risk of stating the obvious, blue slushies are for winners.

These are my views and not necessarily the views of the league (but they should be). I recognize that my school of thought may be an ideological shift from conventional norms. But it is imperative that we all fight the good fight, get involved now and resist the urge to become sweat-xedo-wearing yuppies who sit on the sidelines in their LL Bean chairs sipping mocha-latte-half-caf-chinos while discussing reality TV and home decorating with other feeble-minded folks. I want to hear cheering, I want to hear encouragement, I want to get the team pumped up at each and every game and know they are playing for something.

Lastly, we are all cognizant of the soft bigotry that expects women and especially little girls, to be dainty and submissive; I wholeheartedly reject such drivel. My overarching goal is develop ladies who are confident and fearless, who will stand up for their beliefs and challenge the status quo. Girls who will kick ass and take names on the field, off the field and throughout their lives. I want these girls to be winners in the game of life. Who’s with me?

Go Green Death!

About the author

Bobby Finstock

Finstock is founder of Pointlessbanter.net. He is known for his encyclopedia like knowledge on the life and times of Scott Baio. In the future he hopes to write again under his own name in order to impress the ladies and build his celebrity to the levels of other failed internet writers.

20 Responses to “The Single Greatest Thing I Have Ever Read”

  1. Dave says:

    I can’t tell if this is real or a put-on. I can go either way, given my experience with soccer coaches and put-ons.

  2. Jocelyn says:

    This sounds like my dad and our soccer experience in the late 70’s. We may have only been 8 but we DID kick ass and take names. I remember bleeding a lot and my knees bare the scars. And I still think an orange peel smile is the goofiest thing in the world. And I prayed for soccer season to come, I couldn’t wait! FUN! FUN!!

    I like the letter but in this day and age (of Pee Cee B.S.) I’d never commit anything like that to email. I’d save it for a speech at practice. Small minds don’t retain much in person but give them something they call mull over and over….and you lose your coaching job.

  3. Kobie says:

    I hope it’s real, because he’s exactly right.

  4. Vince says:

    I saw this on your twitter and thought it was hilarious and saw that msn.com had picked it up this morning.

    The HGH line is simply great and even if it was meant as a joke I see a lot of truth in what he wrote.

  5. Rick says:

    If Bobby Knight can get another coaching job, then this guy deserves a team.

    I saw give him the US Women’s Soccer Team and let him go nuts. The Ambassador to the UN can sort out any … international incidents.

  6. Jeremy says:

    It’s normally a volunteer position, but I’d chip in to hire him to coach my cousins team. The parents who think organized sports is only about dancing around having fun are the same bastards that got Tag banned at school cause little Jimmy might trip and fall.

  7. PJ says:

    “And at the risk of stating the obvious, blue slushies are for winners.”

    Duh. I’ve been winning for thirty years.

  8. Fiona says:

    This guy is awesome. Whether he was joking or not this guy needs his job back so his team doesn’t turn into a bunch of little wimps. The parents who got him canned deserve to be slapped, hard. Pussies.

  9. chrissa says:

    I laughed just as hard the second time.

    Good to know.

  10. Trisha says:

    Go Green Death!!!!!!!!!!!

  11. Alicia says:

    LOL, this is great – I was already cracking up by “OK, here’s the real deal: Team 7 will be called Green Death.” I think I’d like this guy.

    Oh, and humor aside, his closing paragraph kicked ass.

  12. This dude should have known better than to write something this funny and horrible to PARENTS.

  13. December says:

    My hate for soccer-related adults is increased ten-fold. He seems serious, thats what makes this so frightening.

  14. green death supporter says:

    he was joking! it was on the local news last night, he said flat out it was a joke and he refused to apologize for it. i think its great!

  15. Robot Monkey says:

    “And at the risk of stating the obvious, blue slushies are for winners.”

    When I read that line, I couldn’t help but think of Alec Baldwin’s character in “Glengary Glen Ross” (“Coffee is for closers.”). Which, when thought of in that context and addressed at 6 or 7 year olds, made it even funnier.

  16. Mimi says:

    The last paragraph makes sense though. The rest of it is a little ridiculous.

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