Letter to My Doggy
Dear Doggy,
Since things have been so crazy lately, I thought I’d write you a little letter. We’ve had such good times together that I think this is the least you deserve.
Remember when we went on that hike and I fell and lacerated my scrotum? You kindly held my severed testicle in your mouth for me while I waited to be Medivac’d out. I had to keep yelling at you not to chew on it, but in the end the doctors managed to clean it up and pop it back in, and now all three of my balls are back where they’re supposed to be.
Remember the time you got sprayed by a skunk and you were absolutely miserable? Remember when I laughed and pointed at you? I laughed and laughed and laughed and yelled, “In your face, doggie!” until my girlfriend couldn’t stand the smell anymore. I figured it would be best just to put you to sleep, but when you hobbled over to me with that can of tomato juice in your mouth, it was really cute. I’m still a little miffed that we had to bathe you in so much of the stuff, so I’m expecting a check for $173.42 from you soon.
Remember the time you smelled like shit? I thought maybe it was because you rolled around in some shit, but I didn’t actually see any shit on you. But yeah, you smelled pretty shitty.
Remember that time I had you neutered? You whined and barked at me a bunch of times before I took you. Then I grabbed you and you bit my finger off. It’s like you knew where you were going! But, I tazered you and stuffed your limp little body into the carry case and shipped you off to have your poor little doggy balls yanked out of your poor little doggy scrotum. I remember that look on your face when you woke up and saw your googly bits were less prominent than usual. I could have sworn there was a hint of extreme loathing behind those shiny doggy eyes, but I made sure I beat it out of you.
Remember the time I caught you eating my dinner? That was hysterical! I took pictures of you with all that gravy on your face and fur. You were just too cute. I even sent that picture out as Christmas cards that year and everybody loved it. You totally thought you were in the clear, too, until you woke up two days later in that cage with the horny Rottweiler. I should have sent THAT picture out as a Christmas card!
Remember the time you caught me eating your dinner? Yeah, you didn’t do shit, bitch.
Remember the time you got hit by that car? Your poor little body was just lying there, but you got up and shakily walked away. You even barked at me when I chased the guy down, then yanked him out of his car and shot him in the face. You were so cute when I offered to let you eat him and you just kind of passed out.
Remember the time you were licking yourself for waaaayyy too long a period of time? Remember how at first I was really mad at you, but after a while I started to wonder what the hell it was that tasted so good down there? It was so funny the way we looked at each other awkwardly afterwards and I cried for three hours while I brushed my teeth obsessively. Good times.
Remember the time I had you put to sleep? That was such a harrowing time. Especially when the doctor told me the drug had no effect on you. You fell asleep, but you woke up in ten minutes. You looked so cute and panic-stricken when I convinced the doctor to give you that second, huge dose of it, too. But you got it, and sure enough you woke up ten minutes later. Poor thing. I bought you a taco and took you home, mostly because the doctor refused to try again.
Now be a good boy and let Daddy put you in your carry case. The doctor said there’s a different drug he’s gonna try, and it shouldn’t be too agonizing. Let’s hope it takes this time, hmm? Daddy’s got his fingers crossed!
Love,
Daddykins
This posting is a little too close to home to yesterdays — that guy who takes it a little too far and ruins everyone’s fun.
I was going to say that post was definitely about me until you showed up.
Was this supposed to be funny?
Uhhh…
Hey, I know! Write about little kids being raped next time. Might get more laughs
Are you implying with that smiley-face emote that raping children is never funny? This isn’t a black-and-white world.
This comment wins.
Only if it’s your little brother and he’s wearing a tutu.
So, first you bring up child rape and then my little brother in a tutu?
Lady, you got a one-track mind and I’m excited.
Yay! Get your Vaseline.
Hey, nice name. It sounds familiar, though. Where did I see that name…hmm… Oh, that’s right, it’s from Anchorman. Hysterical movie, although it was pretty misogynistic. Or was that just satire? I guess you likedf it, because you got your name from it, which means you can appreciate satire. Misogyny, though, that’s a touchy subject. Violence against women, discrimination, objectification, etc, etc. I bet that’s not very funny to some people. Good thing it was satire, otherwise there might be some real issues with it.
See where I’m going with this? You’ve got no problem fucking with women, but dogs are taboo?
In my world? Fuck yeah. Sorry, I didn’t think this was funny. At all.
You put this shit out there so dont be surprised by reactions. And don’t be a big pussy *puns* (like that?) about it when you do get reactions that you were pretty much asking for.
I don’t give a shit if you treat your dog like he/she is your spouse, or if you eat them for dinner. I don’t think it’s funny no matter how many people who “personally know [you]” agree. The End.
I think I’m approaching you from completely the wrong direction.
Tell you what. You make me a detailed list of everything that you like and don’t like. Include everything that’s ever offended you and everything that may possibly ever offend you in the future. You might also want to include a list of every movie or comedy bit you’ve ever thought was funny. Don’t be afraid to get really detailed and toss in the things that make you chuckle on a regular basis. You know, like things that you just happen to see when you’re walking down the street or checking your email that make you laugh. You don’t even have to add Andy Rooney or old Bob Hope sketches to the list, because I know all about those. I’ll let you keep “Who’s On First”, though, because we all know what a classic that is.
I’m serious about the list, too. It’ll be very, very helpful to me next time I write something, I promise.
man i chuckled to this. but I’ve never had a dog… Definitely not getting one now, hair in teeth sucks.
Can you pick on cats next time, because 99% of cats can go fuck themselves.
Thanks.
Is it wrong that I laughed just as hard when I read it this time around?
I read Tits’ comment above, I guess I really see this as pure satire. I think it’s hilarious, but because I don’t think you’d ever really be that heartless of a piece of shit to actually treat something that way.
Raping children? C’mon, that’s kind of extreme.
Guess I don’t get the humor in it, Chrissa. Extreme or not.
It’s funny because it isn’t true. It’s ridiculous how untrue this is. Except for the dog smelling like shit, that part is totally true.
He loves his dogs dearly.
Wait this ISN’T true…. Mike you lying son of a bitch.
Bette…whacked though it may be…it’s no surprise to learn he loves his bitches!
Chrissa – I am glad you posted the link.
Mike – you are just a big old teddy bear in my opinion. Having met you four years ago online…and last fall in person, I love your humor. Dark as it may be, the pure irony of it makes me laugh.
You told me the story about how you saved your dogs ball in your mouth. *sigh*
Mmkay.
You think it’s funny. I didn’t.
Some things I don’t find humor in, satirical as they may be. Sorry.
Not funny?
“Remember the time you were licking yourself for waaaayyy too long a period of time? Remember how at first I was really mad at you, but after a while I started to wonder what the hell it was that tasted so good down there? It was so funny the way we looked at each other awkwardly afterwards and I cried for three hours while I brushed my teeth obsessively. Good times.”
I don’t think it’s subjective. That is clearly funny.
Demented and sad.
But, FUNNY.
Yeah, not funny. Sorry.
That’s okay. We can’t all be “Leonard Part 6″.
Tits…I think humor is like everything else in life. It’s perception and that is always contingent on our own mood when we read/hear/see something.
Most Days, MOST things can be hilarious to me…and yet I’d be right there with you saying nothing about child rape could EVER be funny. But, yes, dogs, balls and licking are pretty damned funny to me. Especially knowing Mike. The only thing that may have made me laugh more was if he did a doggie vs. daddykins fart story.
Well, Carol, considering I almost had to put my dog down over the last month I dont think this shit is funny. Is that okay with you?
Yeah, thanks.
Almost doesn’t count.
You’re right. No one should ever joke about anything serious out of fear of offending someone.
This was funny but the only thing I am confused on is why you only have three testicles.
Oh my God. I let you on the internet and you immediately start talking about Mike’s balls? No more Halo play-dates for you two.
This was funny…
“Remember the time you caught me eating your dinner? Yeah, you didn’t do shit, bitch.”
And this dog is still treated better than Cedar.
I give a fuck.
One more time for the blind. We got you. I don’t think he likes it. I could be wrong. But I am reading between the lines and I think, wait, no, nope he doesn’t like it…
I forgot to tell you that this was the Tits McGee channel.
Could you please explain it again Sarah? I don’t get it.
Oh jeez. His “last letter” was one of the funniest things I’ve ever written.
Hahaha fuuuck I love you Mike. I pretty much cried laughing because it’s like I wrote it for MY dogs. Is it weird that I shower with my dogs?
Depends. Do you do it every day?
ASS-Stache
More of a flat tire than satire. But if you really love dogs then I do suppose the definition fits: “Although satire is usually meant to be funny, the purpose of satire is not primarily humour in itself so much as an attack on something of which the author strongly disapproves, using the weapon of wit. … On the other hand some satire has little or no humour at all.”
That does sum up your little Letter to Your Doggie.
I’m going to take a wild guess here and say you’re more of a cat person.
I have three dogs. Sadly, one died over the winter, seizures
So no, I really wasn’t in the mood for this type of non-humor. But I do have cats as well as horses too.
I have neither dogs, nor cats. It just wasn’t funny to me. But I’m glad somebody found it funny or gave someone a chuckle. A joke (much like a stray dog) needs a home. Otherwise, it roams the neighborhood getting into the trash, impregnating other dogs or gets hit by my car. And then I gotta try and find the owner, which takes me like 30 or 45 minutes and I’m late for my meeting and all I can think is “Fuck! Why does this shit always happen to me?” So I try to drag the dog out of the way and Charlie the neighborhood crackhead sees me and it turns into this thing involving drug dealers and a romantic escapade (the movie starring Ben Stiller and Kate Hudson comes out this summer)…wait, what were we talking about again?