AIG Response to Government Outrage: “Just a Taste to Get Us By, Man, C’mon!”
Washington, D.C. - After receiving word that President Obama had instructed the U.S. Treasury to “pursue every legal avenue” to block the 165 million dollars that AIG has paid out to certain executives, the failing financial institution released a statement.
“Hey, this is some stuff we are contractually obligated to do, man,” said AIG spokesperson Shag E. Krebs, “I’m pretty sure that means we promised, man. We didn’t want to do it, man, we just really had to give that stuff to those guys. Like, they said they were gonna kill us if we didn’t.”
When asked if those contractual obligations are part of what caused AIG’s finances to be in the toilet in the first place, Krebs said, “Hey, man, we fucked up. We know we fucked up, man. We suck. We fuck up a lot, man, we just do. We don’t know why, we just do. We don’t mean to, man, we’re just all fucked-up in the head, you know? We just can’t get right, but we’re gonna try, man.”
Krebs shuffled back and forth, looking at his feet sheepishly before continuing.
“We’re gonna get clean, man, we are. But we’re totally gonna need, like, just a little more. Just one more hit, you know? We know you’ve given us like a bunch of stuff already, like a million bajillion and shit, but we just need a little bit more.”
When reminded that AIG has actually been given $170 billion in bailout money from the government to this point, Krebs grimaced and said, “Yeah, man, fuck, that’s a lot. Like, more than a bajillion, though?”
“Hey, it’s your fault, anyway, man,” Krebs continued, “Like, you gave us this crap in the first place and now we can’t live without it. Are you gonna be an Indian Giver, man? Wait, man, wait, we’re sorry, man, we know that’s like not cool, man. We don’t want you to be a Native American Giver, man.”
An official statement from the Obama camp said, “We’re through with your crap, AIG. Last time we let you in, we gave you $170 billion and you immediately blew it on a bunch of garbage! Shirtless young Sushi chefs in Sumo diapers for each executive? Platinum-plated, hovering robotic backscratchers? Fifteen different tall, Eastern European athletes named Svetlana, covered in 80% dark chocolate and delivered to the executive board room on beds of lean mesquite-smoked turkey? Personally autographed copies of the original “Sweatin’ to the Oldies” VHS tape? Thirteen penile implants not covered by insurance, deemed ‘necessary for the proper and upright functioning of the company’? We thought you loved us, AIG, but you were just using us.”
AIG released this final response: “Waaah”.
AIG is now the business equivalent of a Pinto. No matter how much money you sink into it it’ll still need more and still suck ass. And quite likely it’ll crash and take all that money away forever.
They’re getting insurance in case Michael Jackson punks out on his tour, is there anyone with a policy on AIG?
Now, who could possibly be stupid enough to invest in AIG?
aig – the crackhead of the business world. they would probably suck a dick for a million.
Nah, they wouldn’t have to. All they really had to do in this particular instance was to operate with about as much efficiency as, say, Michael Jordan’s baseball career. Then Daddy (Uncle Sam) comes along to bail them out, even after they fuck it up AGAIN! Now it’s starting to sound less like Michael Jordan’s basebeall career and more like George W. Bush’s LIFE.
*I* would suck a dick for a million. Actually, a million pesos. Lira. Oh, I just like the cock, leave me alone.
With the current exchange rate, a million pesos is $70,642.70 US. So yeah, I’d suck a dick for a million pesos. Hell, I’d suck 10 dicks for that. (I’m broke.)
I’m also adding the currency converter to my page so we have a day to day way to determine how many dicks we would all be sucking based on the suckee’s currency.
I’ve got fifteen dollars and a pack of Marlboro Menthol Light 100’s that disprove your statement.
Ok first of all, I don’t smoke. And if I did, it would not be menthols. And even if I smoked menthols, they would not be 100s. Jesus Christ. Marlboro Reds. End of story.
Those cigarettes aren’t for you! They are to give to your owner so I can make you MY bitch, bitch!
Hey, I don’t remember saying that!
Oh wait, yes I do.
AIG’s execs have some balls. Although, I don’t know that I can really blame them since lately it seems that when it comes to our Government it’s “ask and you shall receive”.
I thought it was “…and you shall receive”.
I don’t think there’s much I wouldn’t do for a million dollars.
Eat a butthole. I guess I wouldn’t do that.
Sheeyah right. Not even a clean butthole? Like, one that was cleaned right in front of you?
~ Eat is such a subjective word, what about nibble, or lick? I’m not talking working it like the last dregs of edible nirvana left in the bottom of a shot glass, but for a mill would you at least let them know you were back there?
~ and damn! I’ve never had a dark chocolate covered Eastern European ON the mesquite smoked turkey. Do the chocolate and smoked turkey compliment each other well? And is that a red or white wine with that?
1. Yes. Yes I would. They would know and they would LIKE IT.
I am applying for a job at AIG. Rock solid job security and I am sure I would be flying the first corporate Space shuttle in no time… Unless they could find something more expensive.
My strategy to get the job is simple, I will tell them I am completely incompetent but will demand 5 million a year and three Bangkok ladyboys dipped in gold from the waist up.
They will like my style and hire me immediately.
You just said my magic word! “Ladyboys”! Unfortunately, the only thing I can give you for that is Herpes.
I don’t at all agree with the getting a fucking dime, especially knowing 15 former employees got it, and the worst part of this is I work with nothing but FUCKING republicans that fight me none stop on this issue.
The south sucks ASS!!
What are they fighting you on? From what I’ve been reading, Republicans are pissed at AIG, too.
They say that the employees were promised that money from last year and so they see nothing wrong with it. And now they are really pissed that Obama is trying to get the money back.
(sigh) what a clusterfuck
In AIG’s defense. They actually believe that a gajillion is an actual number.
I’ve always wondered what happens to all the uneaten special bars from a bag of Hershey’s minis. Little did I think they’d end up in Eastern Europe.