A Very Special Birthday Post

(Today is my birthday. I am probably collapsed in a pool of my own vomit and urine right now. But as a special gift for my birthday I have a very important guest blogger. A man that helped me develop my sense of humor and an actual blood relative… my Uncle John. This is the first blog post of his life and he decided to do one for my birthday. Enjoy.)

This weekend marks the birthday of one the literary giants of our time and the founder of this website. So as not to slight the other major writers’ who do not receive this type of attention (James Patterson, Suze What’s Her Name and Jackie Collins), and with all do respect to the Donk, Mistress and Matt, I give you Bobby Finstock: the untold stories (Seventeen Magazine Style)

1. My younger son (he’s 13) is starting to inquire more and more about his changing body, and although I feel uncomfortable, what should I do when he asks about “certain sexual feeling” he gets? Francine from Calif

Dear Francine: Let Me Tell You A Story: There was this little 4 and 1/2 year old boy that was riding quietly in the back seat of his mother’s car, with her brother in the front seat . As they were riding along, a shriek of horror came from the little guy in back. As they looked in the back to see why this kid was screaming, to their amazement, here is little Bobby with his drawers down to his ankles, wanting to know why “Herman” was standing straight and true. Now at 4 and 1/2, not only do we have to explain why this is happening, why do we have a kid that already has a name for his tool ? And why is Bobby popping wood at such a young age ? Guess all those stories about his sexual prowess and conquers and failures might have some validity. So Fran, seems like your kid has missed the bus. Tell him to think of the priesthood ( no, wait that might not work either)

2. My kids are dying to play organized sports, but I’m a little sheepish as they are not the most coordinated, and I’m concerned about ridicule from the other kids. Am I being over-protective ? Vinny from NY

Dear Vinny: Let Me Tell You A Story: You’re worried about your kids being mocked by other kids ? What about the other parents’ laughing at YOU because of your kid ? Another Bobby tale: at 7 0′clock on those cold western NY mornings, we drag this kid to his hockey game. Now 6 & 7 year old kids’ take forever to skate from one end of the rink to the other. But Bobby, being the star and local Woody Allen type, skates to his own beat, which was usually 15 feet BEHIND both teams, with that shit-eating grin on his face, waving to all the fans. Not only this, but at that time, his body was just starting catching up with this humongous of a melon this kid had. His helmet was HUGE. I still believe that the writers’ of the Flintstone’s had Bobby in mind when they wrote Gazoo into their scripts. And this was the whole game back and forth back and forth. We only went to one other game.

3. I was born on Christmas Day, and just think it’s just a bad day to have a birthday. Any words’ of help to get me out of this funk ? Yours truly, Nooch

Dear Nooch: Let Me Tell You A Story: I know of a kid who shares his birthday with his younger sister. Now the only other people I’ve ever heard that shared a birthday on the same day as another family member were John and Sean Lennon (John and Yoko messed with mother nature, as evidence as how Yoko got paid back by said mother). Anyway, this was a cursed day from the start. Bobby always was a kind and social kid, and his sister was, um, well let us just say she could be the only reason God himself would not return to earth. But Bobby has always trudged through life, taking shots from all and just taking it all in. So if this is his way of repaying all who ruin his birthday, so be it. You could always have it worse.

So Knuckles, I probably could have sent this via e-mail, but every time I read those bio’s about people on their My Space sites and the like, I always think of you and how little the rest of the world really knows about the real Bobby Finstock.

With apologies to Donkey, Matt and the Mistress, thanks for letting me in for a moment and Happy Birthday to Bobby

And there you have it… Inside information about my first erection, horribly hockey career, and why I have always been bitter about my birthday… sharing.