Guys on Match.com are idiots
I’m back on the Match.com dating wagon again. Last week I went on a date with a woman that is training to do a MMA fight. Basically she probably could snap my neck whenever she felt like it, which is kind of hot.
This time around I wanted to make sure that I go on high quality dates and really filter things out so I don’t end up with the body size liars or mutants. I thought about redoing my profile so I wanted to see the guys I was up against.
While I write almost daily on here I know that my posts aren’t always grammatically correct or well constructed. But when compared to the guys on match I sound like Ernest Fucking Hemingway. I went through ten pages of profiles and came up with a few theories the first one I am going to share with you today.
Theory one: If you have a picture without your shirt on you are either a prick or don’t know how to use spell check
Headline: Take a number ladies
Profile: I new that headline would get your attention. Thanks for checking me out, now here’s what’s up. I’m a fun and out going guy that is looking to go out and have some fun and maybe find someone that makes life a little sweeter along the way. I’m not looking for any high pressure situations, lets take it easy. I’m a positive person, friendly, and real. Shoot me a message if your interested in hanging out and we’ll figure everything else out later. You’ll be happier with me than you will be on the couch starring at your computer so shoot me a message and lets go out and have some fun.
My response: Does that tell you anything about him except that he “new” that headline would grab your attention? If I was a woman I would be happier with my vibrator and laptop screen than interacting with him in any type of way.
Headline: We can start slow and them get close, im not in a hurry i want to get to know you better…
Profile: This is the worsh part, you better know me in person, im not that good describing my self. im kind of romantic and i would like the same in my future match. respect is always the basic, comunication is the ABC… ant trust is a . My friends said im a keeper. are you???, so, i would like to meet someone who know what she want, someone that is interested in no head games, i dont care if you have children, i love kidds, and i get alone w/ them. i want someone who want to be w/ a MAN, thanks for your time. : )
My response: Holy freaking crap Microsoft Word just blew up. Why do people not run what they are posting online that is supposed to impress the opposite sex through a spell check? The “worsh” part of his profile his this line, “…i love kids, and i get alone w/ them.” HE WANTS TO LOVE YOUR KIDS ALONE!!!!!!
Women is this really what your choices are out there?
If this is the competition, I’d say you have… at least a shot. Not a great shot because, um, you’re still you, but a shot nonetheless.
It is disheartening to know when I am going up against the functionally retarded that I only have slightly increased odds.
^^
Two blatant examples of why there are so many happy lesbians on the planet.
And the low number of homosexual males.
Yes, those are the classic profiles i have had to weed thru(circa 2006) and promptly gave up. I see things havent changed. Being dateless is the pits but its better than the alt.
It really is a toss up isn’t it?
But what happened to the real sweetheart you met on there who was commenting on here and loved me so much? Miss her.
We had a falling out… I thought I wrote about it. Bitch still has my copy of “A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius”
I actually feel kinda sorry for the second guy. Interestingly enough that exact profile would be stellar on Craigslist. The first guy is a douche…I’d use him for a free round of drinks then make my escape.
Do you feel sorry for the second guy for his complete lack of English skills or because he was too lazy to drop it in Microsoft Word before posting it?
These profiles scream one thing and one thing only. Profile Pic with no shirt = I want to sleep with as many women as I can pull with aaaaight pecs.
Interested ladies?
I think my brain just dry heaved a bit.
Wait so his goals are the same as mine? Kidding… I want to get married. Okay… not really.
You people amaze me — so judgmental. In this economy, it’s very possible that these young men can’t afford shirts. Why else would they look for dates online? They’re not allowed in bars because of your economic bigotry.
Honestly, shirtless men need handjobs, too.
Your comment made my morning, thank you.
Perhaps we should start a political action committee or sell wristbands for them?
I’m thinking purple with “A Helping Hand” etched into them.
Nothing personal, but can we get the handjobs from someone with an innie not an outtie grown up bit?
F-ing hilarious… oh, you too Kevin.
Holy fuck Kev, pure genius again. HE WANTS TO LOVE YOUR KIDS ALONE!!! Thanks for filtering that freak out for me.
All single mothers should be afraid… very afraid.
It took a hell of a lot of effort to get them to stop sending me their promotional e-mails… no more match.com for me, thanks.
BTW, I’m not a twitter person, so I have to ask: what does it mean that “match.com is following you”?
They are basically subscribed to my updates on there.
I am not single, nor have I been for many years. However, if they had Match.com during my single “heyday”, I wonder how lame my profile would be in the interest of sounding funny, mysterious, sincere [or other random adjectives]…
There is a difference between being lame, which we all are on some level, and being illiterate.
God knows, I had a LOT of fun dating via teh internets. Even met my dude through myspace- I think you know the story. These kind of profiles are mild compared to some of them I had to filter through 4 years ago!
Anyway, nice to see that some things don’t change. I think I’ll give my guy a little oral homage later just to make sure I’m not single for a long ass time!
Stick a finger in his ass and tell him it is from me…
wait that didn’t sound right.
Can’t imagine why anyone thinks you’re gay. What a homo…
I’m just wondering why you’re devoting so much time on match.com surfing GUY profiles.
I had a female friend over and we were going through and making fun of them… Before we had sex… Honestly. Really. I am straight.
The sad thing is, lots of women have probably responded to them.
This is fun! Do more.
I think I may have to.
Nice. I looked at other girls profiles too for research, just to see what other gals were saying. Nothing wrong with that. I wouldn’t have messaged either one of these guys back when I did the Match.com thing.
~ Kristi
Ps. This is what I thought when going through profiles: http://kikolani.com/online-dating-female-perspective-matchcom.html
You would have totally hooked up with the second guy… Don’t lie.
Ha! I just signed up for Match.com for the very first time, but haven’t played around with it yes. But yes – photo of guy w/o shirt is on my rules. Along with guy with car. And guy with beautiful other women (one on each side is my favorite). Jury is still out on Guy with Grandmother … but I will admit a small soft spot for guy with cat.
Let me know how it goes!
Singelgal
Yeah if they can’t crop the other sex out of their picture than that is a problem.
The prevalence of stupidity in the online dating market is not only a trend, it is also an epidemic. Most men have at least enough brain power to spell check, its generally the terrible grammar that jilts them to the bottom of the list.
However, the female persuasion is just as likely to post a picture with the description of “Im SO fat.” or “Dont I look UGLY?” The key is to never eat when you are reading profiles, you may choke and die from the reckless stupidity.
It is a no win situation.
WOW– with that second one, the part of my brain that is used to edit client documents suddenly began to develop a clot.
I wonder if these are some of the same guys who use Google to try to find “relly nackked forth grade girls” and somehow end up on my blog?
it has to be the same group
Um, yeah. This is what I’m up against. They are either 1) naked pricks, 2) idiots looking for a quick lay and too lazy to do the bar thing, or 3) just boring.
Cant wait to begin dating: I’m planning to set some up for next week. Will def report back.
@jesskry
Please do
Meh, I think dating sites are rather lame, to be honest. I’ve met 3 men online and neither of them were from dating sites, they came from doing things that I love doing online which is gaming. The first two obviously weren’t keepers and the last one… I’ve been with him now for 2.5 years =)
I look at dating sites as too … conformist. Everyone is doing it, and I hate being like everyone else. Plus, the real person doesn’t come out on sites like that.
That being said, grammar and spelling errors are a huge peeve of mine. Though I am not, nor claim to be perfect at it, don’t come to me tAlKin’ lyke dis. It makes me cringe =(.
I couldn’t even finish reading that second one.
Holy shit, and I thought MySpace bloggers have shitty spelling. That second guy is definitely someone who is going to wind up tackled by a cop in a completely unnecessary bush camouflage on To Catch a Predator.
Holy freakin’ crap, Microsoft Word DEFINITELY blew up and clearly blew his shirt right off. lol
Judging people because they use poor grammar and spelling is sooo 1990.
They are probably still douches, but making fun of them because they have no shirts on and don’t know how to write properly is just an too easy thing to do.
Accusing men of being pedophile perverts just because they include women with offspring into their dating efforts is pretty assholeish though.
But hey! Whatever floats your blog I guess …
Leaving bitter “this was so 1990″ comments was cool on Digg like two years ago. Time to move past the internet troll lifestyle and get out of your mom’s basement.
So should I not mention that if “assholish” was a word, it should probably be without the ‘e’? Or the part”…write properly is just an too easy thing to do” doesn’t just flow off the tongue? Just asking…
It has nothing to do with the guy being okay with a date having “kidds”, er, I mean “offspring”. Read the message, Einstein. He says “I get ALONE with them.” Seriously, WTF?
I did a ton of internet dating from 1997-2002 and this was pretty much what was out there back then. The chick equivalent is a pic with your sorority sisters downing shots of jaeger.
Wait aren’t those the girls I am supposed to target. Binge drinking is where it is at.
OK, spelling is important. And, even though I am almost 40, have been with the same guy for half my life and am securely in the “married with children” groove, the 20-something with no shirt STILL does nothing for me. Honestly, I see a photo like that and feel like telling the kid to put a shirt on before he catches cold.
Thanks for validating some life decisions…
YOU NEED TO PUT OUT A NEW BOOK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SERIOUSLY!!!!
Beyond the obvious grammar of this:
” I new that headline would get your attention. Thanks for checking me out, now here’s what’s up. I’m a fun and out going guy that is looking to go out and have some fun and maybe find someone that makes life a little sweeter along the way. I’m not looking for any high pressure situations, lets take it easy. I’m a positive person, friendly, and real. Shoot me a message if your interested in hanging out and we’ll figure everything else out later. You’ll be happier with me than you will be on the couch starring at your computer so shoot me a message and lets go out and have some fun.”
Lies a man that is saying, “Hey, baby… I’m just in it for the ‘hit it and quit it’…” as evidenced by the whole “I’m not looking for any high pressure situations, lets [sic] take it easy.”
And, honestly… he’s not selling himself well… he’s basically saying, “it’s better to have me than no one…” Not so.
As for the other guy… God, I went on Yahoo Personals YEARS ago… if I couldn’t get through the first sentence, I gave up… Here, I tried… I got about midway through the paragraph… it just hurt too much to read it. Some people don’t write very well, I understand that.. but holy GEEZ… if you’re going to go on a dating site, online… ask for help in writing the damn ad.
lool at ms office blowing up
OK, I’m just saying . . . guys with shirts off, especially if they’re nice to look at, shouldn’t ruin it by saying such asinine things . . . if you’re going to be this dumb, it’s better to just be quiet and keep the profile short and sweet . . . ever heard of the strong silent type? It sounds like I’m offering advice to the dummie!! Actually, I’m glad that he’s not clever enough to fix his own spelling and syntax errors . . . at least there’s no misrepresentation.