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Mar
17

Drunken Mistakes: Porn Star Jamie aka My Most Perfect Relationship

By: Bobby Finstock on 03/17/09 @ 7:30 am

I hate Saint Patrick’s Day. Back when I really went out a lot it just seemed like a night for amateurs, kind of like New Years Eve. People that usually didn’t really drink would go out drinking and usually they would make fools of themselves because they can’t handle their booze. Because of the influx of people bars are already too crowded and going out just becomes annoying. That is why you need to start drinking in the afternoon to overcome these issues.

So many people

So many people

Fast forward to early morning March 18th, I am waking up in a strange apartment naked with a girl next to me. Of course I am still drunk but I think that I may have had the greatest sexual performance of my life the previous night. Well since I was really drunk it might have been horribly awful but in my mind it is the greatest performance of my life. The question is how did I get there?

On one St Patrick’s Day back when I was living in Geneseo I tested out my theory of drinking about halfway through the day to tolerate St Patrick’s Day. I believe it was on a Friday that year and I taken the day off of work to insure that I was going to have the maximum amount of fun. My friends and I started drinking early. One of my friends Jay told me about a girl that was in his biology lab class that I should meet, her name was Jamie. Jay said it just so happened that she was going to be out at our favorite bar that night. He talked Jamie up and said she was a major lush like I was so we would hit it off. (Apparently he knew what I liked.)

Jamie did show up at the bar after going to a party around what I am estimating was 11pm. So conservatively speaking I had been drinking for close to 7-8 hours at that point and was pretty plastered. Jay introduced us and Jamie was equally inebriated. The girl was pretty good looking (at least in my drunken stupor she was) and lots of fun, I was instantly attracted to her so I needed to make a pretty good first impression.

So what did I do to impress her? What did I do to land her bed and have it  lead to this virtuoso performance later that night? Well we talked for a while but I couldn’t tell you one single sentence that was said between us. All I remember are the following events:

-Recreating the dance to “Shout” from Animal House including lying on a beer soaked barroom floor doing the alligator.
-Singing a song on one knee to her while punching my friend who was trying to tell me to stop.
-I may or may not have ripped off the t-shirt under my dress shirt Hulk Hogan style.

hulk_hogan___ripping_shirt_as_champ___copy_large

Those are the only things that I remember about that night except for one other little tidbit. When we got back to Jamie’s place she said that we both smelled the like the bar and should take a shower together. We did just that and Jamie decided that she needed to shave her no no touchy spot right in front of me in the shower. All I could say when she did that was, “That is so Porn Star.”

The next morning I snuck out of there hung over. Mostly because I knew I had to go get sick because of the amount of alcohol I ingested that night. I ran into Jamie two weeks later at the bar with both of us pretty drunk and we recreated the magic from St. Patrick’s Day except this time at my apartment. (She stayed and snuck out after I left for work.) It happened again two weeks later back at her place with me leaving to go golfing early in the morning. We never exchanged numbers, we never had a conversation sober, we never looked at each other sober and we never had a fight. Plus I am pretty sure we don’t even know each others last names. (Classy, huh?) I would like to consider it my most successful relationship ever. I didn’t screw up even once. Okay except for maybe the Hulk Hogan t-shirt rip.

The Moral of a Story- Drink early on St. Patrick’s Day and don’t try to turn a certain kind of relationship into something it isn’t.

What was your favorite St. Patrick’s Day ever?

About the author

Bobby Finstock

Finstock is founder of Pointlessbanter.net. He is known for his encyclopedia like knowledge on the life and times of Scott Baio. In the future he hopes to write again under his own name in order to impress the ladies and build his celebrity to the levels of other failed internet writers.

13 Responses to “Drunken Mistakes: Porn Star Jamie aka My Most Perfect Relationship”

  1. Karl Rove says:

    My Saint Patrick’s Day started early this year: 12:30AM. A couple of friends came over, already plastered and wanted to “explore the city”, so we walked around Boston. At one point they almost got all of us arrested. So yeah…

  2. I ended up peeing out a third story dorm window on people below me at Central Michigan Univeristy. This was after taking my golf clubs out of my car in the jammed parking lot of a bar, setting up golf balls in a row and swinging away. The balls hit what the balls hit…

    …Hey, kind of like how your St. Pat’s Day went, eh?

  3. Alison says:

    Wow. I have to say…that is the best relationship advice I have ever heard. Well done on snagging the lady, in a very Irish way!

  4. Tori says:

    “That is so porn star.” Is it? Is that what porn stars do? There’s like this whole event that I was previously unaware of.

    And I’m stuck at work so there will be no drinking until at least 3:30. BOO.

    • I don’t know that it is very porn star but at 2:30 in the morning I really didn’t have the cognitive ability to describe it in another fashion.

  5. bethany says:

    That DOES sound like your most successful relationship EVER…

    As for St. Patrick’s Day – it’s one of my favourite holidays… Not for the drunken fest that accompanies the world, but, rather for the fact that it signifies the end of the winter blahs.

    ;o)

    What time did you start drinking today?

  6. Bob, that’s a love story I can get behind. No sappy bullshit, no heartbreak. Just all good, all the time, with no breakup!

    Word.

  7. Baird says:

    Hi friends! free porn movies, hot girl clips, asian girl clips download for free at livesexscene{dot}blogspot{dot}com

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