Rude relatives on the phone and other questions answered

In order to share my knowledge and experience with the world I have decided to branch out and answer some different questions on Monday. This week I have dipped into the pool known as Miss Manners. I know when people think about class, refinement, and an all around worldly dude they think of me… and I am here to share my knowledge.

Dear Miss Manners,Dear Mr. Finstock,

I have one relative and one dear friend who each insist on knowing where I was or what I was doing when I fail to answer their telephone calls, whether it be at home or on my cellular device. Often times I am simply trying to complete a task, such as balancing my checkbook or checking out at the grocery store, before engaging in a telephone conversation.

Sometimes I simply do not wish to share my personal information and am looking for a polite response that does not accommodate their need to know every detail about my life.

The dear friend is a bit pushier than my relative and will try to goad me into giving her the information as to my whereabouts when I missed her call. I am well into my 40s, with my own career and home, and I don’t think I owe folks a minute-by-minute detail of my day, if I am simply unavailable once in awhile.

Please help me with a polite way to let them know that not all of my business is their business.

Miss Manners always starts her reply with something like Dear Gentle Reader. Personally I like Dear Abby columns because people create dumb names… Whatever. I am just going to start my reply with something simple.

Sup Yo,

All joking aside I hate this situation. Because of technology today people feel that they should be able to get a hold of you when and how they want. When they can’t they want to know you weren’t able to talk to them. A cell phone has turned into a digital leash and it I hate it.

However you need to use this as an opportunity and not see this as an annoyance.  Give answers that they absolutely would not want to hear. This will eventually turn them off and away from asking such questions. Here are a few sample answers you can give, feel free to borrow them.

-I was taking a massive dump. We call it dropping the Huxtables off at the pool here at my house.

-Honestly, I was feeling a bit randy while making a salad and took the cucumber into the bedroom for a little stolen moment. Do you do anything like that?
-Dear I was trying to figure out how to get these bloodstains out of my gloves. This has turned into a weekly occurrence and I don’t want to toss another pair out.

Use any of these. I am sure they won’t ask after you give them one of these reasons.

Dear Miss Manners, Dear Mr. Finstock,

What are the guidelines for inviting guests to a second wedding? Ten years ago I was married and I was divorced three years ago. My fiancé has never been married. He wants a large wedding with 250 guests at a lakeside resort. All of my family lives on the other side of the country and I am hesitant to send invitations to anyone other than my parents, siblings and close friends. However I’m so happy to have met this wonderful man and want to include everyone in our celebration. Is it inappropriate to invite people to more than one wedding?

Sup Yo,
Nothing like trying to exploit your friends and relatives again with asking them to give you a second set of gifts. Just think ten years have past most of them probably have better jobs now than they used to and can afford better shit. Also I have to call bullshit to this question, no guy wants a wedding with 250 friends that he invited. I can’t think of one single friend of mine that wanted that many people total at a wedding let alone for one side. Heck, I can’t think of a friend that wanted an actual wedding at all.

I really think this is about you wanting to have the wedding you never got and wanted to pin the excuse on your husband to be. Either way it is a bad idea. I think you should have a small ceremony and a wild party that you can invite as many people as you want to it. You don’t need to milk friends and relatives.

It is either that or you are a black widow hell bent on mating and then killing your new husband for insurance money. By having a large wedding it only makes it so more people are attached to you. If you keep it small there will be less questions raised when he dies on the honeymoon… I am onto you. Actually you can’t be that clever you wrote into Miss Manners. Or are you crazy like a fox? This is all too complex, I need a chart.

How do you deal with people that ask you questions about where you were?