The Wedding is Off? No Way!

Back a few months ago, when Sarah Palin was in the middle of her road trippin’, high steppin’, mavericky run around the country endorsing her BFF John McCain for POTUS, we learned a little something that contradicted her stance on teaching abstinence to teenagers as a way of birth control.

Her daughter Bristol, it was found out, was knocked up. Whoops! (In more way than one.)

Bristol and Sarah came out and defended the whole ordeal to a nation ripe for picking on them as hypocrites, and even went so far as to drag Bristol’s cock and balls, Levi Johnston, out of the douchebag closet to affirm to the nation that the two teens were in love and planning on getting married.

This is the right thing to do, dontcha know?

Well, that ain’t happening. Surprise, surprise. I’m shocked *snicker*.

Now, the only people I am sure that believed this happy horseshit was gonna work were people that recently had a lobotomy, Inuit Eskimo’s who still think that the year is 1984 and Texans. The rest of us knew better and all of us that did, muttered under muted breath (or out in such Balls to the Walls forums and blogs under aliases like PiggyLipstick and ToughGuy90210) that the relationship was a farce and the odds of these two getting married were about as likely as Bernie Madoff shopping at Burlington Coat Factory for “a good deal” on a wool, elbow patched tweed jacket.

Well, for those that are from Texas…and had a recent lobotomy, allow me to explain a few of the other myths that might rock your world to know are false. The rest of civilization with an IQ higher than road salt know this, you might as well be clued in too.

1. Teenage relationships never work.

Big shock to you, eh? I know that when you were all at “Lyndon Johnson on the Shitter High School” in Beer Swill, Arkansas, you thought that you and your bf/gf were destined for eternal love and that wedding bells were in your future at the ripe old age of 19.

Unfortunately, at that age, contrary to what any teenager will tell you, you don’t know shit. In fact, as time goes on, I’m convinced there are more retards-by-environment that extrapolate the problem. Then again, us adults fuck up marriages all the time anyway, so what the hell do I know?

2. Pulling and praying only works if you have stamina lasting longer than 5 seconds.

This is science right? It worked for me 100% of the time, so it must be true. No debate.

3. Douchebags, despite their false bravado, can only last 5 seconds in the sack before losing it.

Don’t let the popped collar, sideways hat wearing, Drakkar Noir smelling flea bags distract you into thinking they can last forever in the sack. In fact, don’t let them even convince you women to even get in the sack.

How the hell guys like K-Fed and any of these other ass hats get near a vagina in any other capacity outside of a video camera in a ladies room toilet is beyond me. It’s no wonder they have so many little douchebags running around at the social security age of 22. They can’t pop the clutch in time and end up blowing their tranny in the tunnel.

So there you have it. The title of this literary masterpiece could read, “Obvious News Any Idiot Would Have Predicted”, but I didn’t want to offend people.

Sorry, Texas.

Any other things I missed that is obvious?

(Juno photo courtesy of SeriouslyGuys.com.)