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Mar
12

Scrambled Signals and Penthouse Are Not Proper Sex Education

By: Bobby Finstock on 03/12/09 @ 7:21 am

Growing up when my family finally got cable we just went with the basic package with no movie channels. However if you went to those channels you could hear the movie and see a scrambled picture full of undulating lines. Today when you go to a movie channel a screen comes up asking if you want to order it, which frankly isn’t as fun.

Those scrambled channels as a kid taught me a lot. There was nothing better than attempting to watching a movie for the first time on a scrambled channel and then actually seeing it for real when you rented the video tape. I remember watching (or I should say attempting to watch) Star Wars on a scrambled HBO. When I finally saw the movie it blew my mind. People didn’t have wavy heads or some strange tint.

scrambled_cable_channel

As I grew older the scrambled channel watching became less and less of a pastime until I discovered the Playboy Channel. Being a horny teenager I would sit there and try to determine if I was seeing a nipple or was it an eyeball or perhaps a nostril? Of course the soundtrack was interesting. When you heard a girl coo, “Oh Mr. Greenwell” it left so much to the imagination.

When watching a distorted view of Playboy television as your introduction to sex education it kind of hurts your knowledge base. Between that and my friend’s father’s collection of Penthouse I was getting the total wrong ideas about sex. (This was about the same time Penthouse had an obsession with taking pictures of women pissing.)

During that same time period I had a babysitter that lived down the street would come to my house to watch my sister and me. She regularly brought her boyfriend over to our house. The guy was a ridiculously good hockey player that I idolized as a kid and he treated me like a little brother when he came over. I know they would go and fool around if my sister and I were outside playing or if they thought we weren’t around. One day her boyfriend was over and talking to me while she tended to something with my sister. I kind of leaked that I knew they were kissing and fooling around when we weren’t around and he began to grill me for more information. I think he was afraid that I was going to tell my mom or something.

I answered his questions and I asked one of my own. Looking up to him I wanted to impress him and share my knowledge of all things female. So I decided to ask the most thoughtful question I could muster, one that would show that I am worldly with all things sexual. I thought about it for a second and relied on my past knowledge of scrambled Playboy TV and Penthouse magazine. The ultimate question formulated and I asked,  “Have you ever watched her pee?”

The conversation ended quickly.

What misconceptions about sex did you have as a kid?

About the author

Bobby Finstock

Finstock is founder of Pointlessbanter.net. He is known for his encyclopedia like knowledge on the life and times of Scott Baio. In the future he hopes to write again under his own name in order to impress the ladies and build his celebrity to the levels of other failed internet writers.

31 Responses to “Scrambled Signals and Penthouse Are Not Proper Sex Education”

  1. jon says:

    Old Wicked Wanda taught me that men pissed on women during sex.

  2. Taylor Blue says:

    Mine was that I couldn’t get pregnant the first time I ever had sex…well I was wrong…I did! (The baby is 13 now.)

  3. G2D2 says:

    Where I grew up in the early 90’s, we had the “Spice Channel”. It also came in all scrambled, but you could hear the audio fine. I quickly learned that whenever there wasn’t a lot of movement in the movie, the scrambling would momentarily stop. I saw a lot of vag that way…and as a 14 year old, that was awesome!

  4. I had none. I was wise from a young age, so wise that when my dad caught me looking at his Playboy collection at age 6, I told him I was reading the articles.

  5. kate says:

    you can get pregnant from kissing.

    • Gavin says:

      I hate to break it to you lady but Yahoo! Answers is probably not the best online resource for human reproduction. That would be Craigslist.

  6. Meghan says:

    I had a neighbor friend whose mom was pregnant when we were about 9. She told me she caught her mom putting her dad’s ‘thingy’ in her mouth a while back, so we decided that’s what happens when you blow a guy – you get pregnant.

    Now I know if you blow a guy you won’t get pregnant BUT they just keep coming around, and coming around….what a hassle.

  7. Robot Monkey says:

    When I was little, I was extremely sheltered. To the point of when I was probably around 7 or 8, me and some friends found an old Playboy in the woods (which later became the equivalent of finding treasure) and there was picture of a nude woman walking. Her top was turned towards the camera where the viewer was treated to an excellent view of her boobs but the more southern view was mainly the side of her thigh and hip. One of my friends said, “Too bad we can’t see down there”, indicating her nether regions. Being the naivette I was, I say “Why? Isn’t it just like ours?” Even though I kinda knew this was not the case, my ignorance reigned. Later, when I had finally seen the puss but was still naive, I was being grilled by some assholes in my class at school if I knew what a pussy was. I told them it was just part of the ass. Oh to be young and innocent in the time before “Alabama Hot Pockets”, donkey punches and “Two girls, one cup”.

    And I too remember when Penthouse went through that phase of piss obsession…

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  9. Jaime says:

    Probably the same ones I have now. That it’s not suitable for conversation. It’s something that people do and don’t talk about. It’s something bad.

  10. country girl says:

    ohhh, so that explains your fascination with urban dictionary. They’re finally coming up with names for your fantasies. ;-)

  11. Peter says:

    Women like anal sex, especially when its unplanned.

  12. Phill says:

    I feel like this truly is pointless banter without further reflection. I think that what many parents fail to explain is that the pornos are really nothing like real sex. What they are is *fiction* by hired *actors*. I think that needs to be explained to kids growing up. But like most sex talks, goes unsaid.

    This coming from someone who too watched (and listened) to the scrambled channels.

  13. Chris says:

    Our cable system had a slow scrambler. If you hit the previous channel button twice in a row, leave the channel and come right back, you could get about half a second of unscrambled video. I got pretty good at doing that for the Spice channel late at night. Never really got it to work one-handed though…

  14. JT says:

    Not necessarily a “misconceptions at a young age story.”

    For a while in college, we inexplicably got free porn channels for months. I knew that I had perhaps been watching too much porn whe one day in the library I became convinced that if I would just walk up to a chick and slap her in the face with my dick she would automatically suck it.

    Keep in mind I was still rational enough to realize this was a bad idea and didn’t follow through.

  15. Bearman says:

    I too was slow to learn. I remember a girl in school asking me if I was a virgin. I thought she was talking about my zodiac sign so of course I shouted “no, I am a cancer” That got around quickly to the rest of the class

  16. Bearman says:

    I too was slow to learn. I remember a girl in school asking me if I was a virgin. I thought she was talking about my zodiac sign so of course I shouted “no, I am a cancer” That got around quickly to the rest of the class
    Sorry, forgot to add great post! Can’t wait to see your next post!

  17. zadanu says:

    Our cable system had a slow scrambler. If you hit the previous channel button twice in a row, leave the channel and come right back, you could get about half a second of unscrambled video. I got pretty good at doing that for the Spice channel late at night. Never really got it to work one-handed though….

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