Growing up when my family finally got cable we just went with the basic package with no movie channels. However if you went to those channels you could hear the movie and see a scrambled picture full of undulating lines. Today when you go to a movie channel a screen comes up asking if you want to order it, which frankly isn’t as fun.
Those scrambled channels as a kid taught me a lot. There was nothing better than attempting to watching a movie for the first time on a scrambled channel and then actually seeing it for real when you rented the video tape. I remember watching (or I should say attempting to watch) Star Wars on a scrambled HBO. When I finally saw the movie it blew my mind. People didn’t have wavy heads or some strange tint.
As I grew older the scrambled channel watching became less and less of a pastime until I discovered the Playboy Channel. Being a horny teenager I would sit there and try to determine if I was seeing a nipple or was it an eyeball or perhaps a nostril? Of course the soundtrack was interesting. When you heard a girl coo, “Oh Mr. Greenwell” it left so much to the imagination.
When watching a distorted view of Playboy television as your introduction to sex education it kind of hurts your knowledge base. Between that and my friend’s father’s collection of Penthouse I was getting the total wrong ideas about sex. (This was about the same time Penthouse had an obsession with taking pictures of women pissing.)
During that same time period I had a babysitter that lived down the street would come to my house to watch my sister and me. She regularly brought her boyfriend over to our house. The guy was a ridiculously good hockey player that I idolized as a kid and he treated me like a little brother when he came over. I know they would go and fool around if my sister and I were outside playing or if they thought we weren’t around. One day her boyfriend was over and talking to me while she tended to something with my sister. I kind of leaked that I knew they were kissing and fooling around when we weren’t around and he began to grill me for more information. I think he was afraid that I was going to tell my mom or something.
I answered his questions and I asked one of my own. Looking up to him I wanted to impress him and share my knowledge of all things female. So I decided to ask the most thoughtful question I could muster, one that would show that I am worldly with all things sexual. I thought about it for a second and relied on my past knowledge of scrambled Playboy TV and Penthouse magazine. The ultimate question formulated and I asked, “Have you ever watched her pee?”
The conversation ended quickly.
What misconceptions about sex did you have as a kid?