Mar

Lifestyles of the Animated and High

By: slackmistress on 03/11/09 @ 11:44 am

When people think of cartoon characters getting high, the conversation always turns to Shaggy of Scooby-Doo. And why not? He talks to a dog. He’s paranoid that he’s being chased by ghosts. He has a perpetual box of Scooby Snacks when the munchies hit.

Shaggy

But Shaggy’s not the only animated guy toking up in the back seat of the Mystery Machine. Check out the secret drug addictions of these ten cartoon characters.

Defendant: Yogi Bear

Drug of Choice: Marijuana

Maybe Boo Boo is his drug mule?

Shaggy’s not the only one indulging in a spliff. Perhaps Yogi grows his own in Jellystone National Park. An omnipresent yearning for pic-a-nic baskets and Ranger Smith paranoia are both signs of the pot smoker. Plus his mention that he’s “smarter than the average bear” is a version of the “I swear, I’m not drunk” tell.

Defendant: Underdog

Drug of Choice: Anabolic steroids

You put your weed, I mean anabolic steroids, in there.

He’s a mild-mannered Shoeshine Boy – until Polly Purebred’s in trouble. Then he pops an “Underdog Super Energy Pill” and he morphs into a canine version of Superman. In the mid-to-late 80s, they edited the pill-popping scenes out. That way no one would know what steroids are!

Defendant: Sherman (of Mr. Peabody and his boy Sherman)

Drug of Choice: LSD

LSD or the creepiest master/slave relationship ever.

Sherman is “owned” by a “genius dog” named “Mr. Peabody” and takes “trips” in the “WABAC machine” that go “back in time.” ‘Nuff said.

Defendant: Wilma Flintstone & Betty Rubble (of The Flintstones)

Drug of Choice: Valium

Off to have a gay old time!

Wilma and Betty are the cave precursors to Hot Chicks with Douchebags. Although Fred and Barney are less douchey than dopey. The only way that they haven’t gone all Bam-Bam on their men has to be a healthy dose of Mother’s Little Helper.

Defendant: Morocco Mole (of The Secret Squirrel Show.)

Drug of Choice: Hashish

Drug stupor or just constipated?

He’s from Morocco. He’s got beady eyes. And he wears a fez but no pants?

Defendant: Jem (of Jem and the Holograms)

Drug of Choice: Ecstasy

If Ziggy Stardust and Britney Spears had a baby. Truly, truly outrageous.

When her father died, he left her Synergy, a holographic computer designed to be the “ultimate visual entertainment synthesizer.” I’m sure he left her his happy pills, too. Jem single-handedly introduced rave culture to the tween set.

Defendant: Speedy Gonzalez

Drug of Choice: Crank

Crank use = no teeth.

This one’s pretty obvious. Although I discovered that Speedy, as well as being a speed freak, was also a pimp. Maybe he was chasing his high some 72-hour weekend as well?

Defendant: Elroy Jetson (of The Jetsons)

Drug of Choice: Ritalin

Elroy's birthday wish was to find out he was adopted. The second was to stop playing 'horsey' on Mr. Spacely's lap.

Brilliant. Focused. Straight-A student. Never gets into trouble. With parents like clueless George and perfectionist Jane, this kid’s gotta be on something.

Defendant: Natasha Fatale (of Rocky & Bullwinkle)

Drug of Choice: Diet pills.

Hot. Mean. And into short dudes.

She’s a former model and a past Miss Transylvania who’s managed to keep her figure. All before heroin chic!

Defendant: Tom (of Tom & Jerry)

Drug of Choice: Vicodin

I miss classic cartoons.

He’s been hit on the head with hammers, with frying pans, with baseball bats. He’s been set on fire, drowned, run over, blown up. Like a feline Timex, this housecat takes a licking and keeps on ticking. What’s his secret? I say liberal doses of Vicodin.

What sort of drugs do you think the characters of your favorite cartoons/comics do?