How NOT to ask a question
This is one of those blogs where part of my brain says, “You probably should keep this story to yourself.” All while the other half goes, “This is kind of funny in a disgusting and fucked up way.”
Awhile back I was driving and received a text message on my phone saying, “Hi. I would appreciate if u answered honestly, have u or do u have any stds at all?” After getting the message and almost running into the car next to me I pulled over to a parking lot so I could text back. The fear of my penis rotting off of my body and falling into the toilet while I take a piss in the morning crept into my head.
Contrary to popular belief I have a clean penis. I have been tested multiple times in my life and I have passed with flying colors including rather recently. However this question from a former girlfriend sent shivers down my spine and threw me into a depression. At that point I figured I would have to join the website HMates in order to meet a girl. Or if I had something really bad I would have to sleep with the girlfriends or mothers of all my enemies in a national crime spree that would be legendary.
“I can’t believe you slept with him he is my sworn enemy.”
“Oh BTW he made it so my vagina is infested with small creatures with lobster pinchers that also makes my pink taco smell like Richard Simmons sweaty balls.”
“Nooooooo.”
Sweet revenge… sweet revenge.
Back to the matter at hand, my penis and the potential risk it was in. I quickly exchanged text back with her sharing the last time I was tested, the results, and then asked a ton of questions like any caring person would do like:
-What is wrong with your vagina?
-Is the little general… wait the mid sized general… is he going to fall off?
-Will I need to remove my penis with vice grips and a BIC lighter?
She replied that everything was fine but she got tested the other day while getting a routine physical and she was just nervous because she had to wait a day or two for results. The whole point of texting me was for reassurance, which she got and she was happy about. (She shared the results with me a few days later and that everything was fine.)
So I just wanted to say thank you to her for not having the ability to ask a question using proper context causing me to go through the entire grief cycle in a matter of minutes. Also I will be sending her a cleaning bill for the massive shit stains that ruined my boxers, jeans, and car seat.
What is an awkwardly worded question you have been asked?
Some “What the Buck Action”- I am doing a little exchange with the YouTube Show “What the Buck” a pretty damn funny pop culture show on YouTube. Check it out.
LOL @ hmates! they have a website for everything now….
Maybe this is not awkwardly worded, but it chaps my ass nonetheless.
People who, after sending them a friend request on a social networking site, just come out and ask, “Who are you?”
I’m going to start answering, “Well, we have a dozen fucking common friends, you seem like an interesting person, this is a SOCIAL NETWORKING SITE, hence the ask to be your goddamned friend. But if you are going to be the Hermann Goering of Facebook friend requests, and be rude about my asking, then fuck off and enjoy being a total closet case.”
This just happened to me. Top of mind. Please continue.
Sounds fishy to me. ({})
Damn you and your pink taco.
Wouldn’t “smells fishy” be more apropos here? Just saying…
Yeah that’s NOT a good way to go about that. And everyone has to wait a couple of days for results. Durrr. I always like when people preface a question with, “Can I ask you something and you won’t get mad?”
Also, that video cracked me up.
Nothing good ever comes from prefacing a question with that.
Please. I love Michael Buckley. He’s AWESOME!
Yes he is.
Just recently a guy friend had his ex text him asking if he had herpes…he knew he was clean, so he thought the text was rude but funny.
I, on the other hand, just wanted to make sure we didn’t share water glasses until convinced.
Did you ask for a blood test?
I believe I asked for a ride home.
Last summer while at an IHop, my boyfriend (upon trying to impress the awesomeness of the concert we had just been to) point blank asked the waiter “Do you ever want to die?”
He looked slightly scared for his life until he heard the next sentence which was “If you don’t, this music could keep for alive forever” or something to that effect.
p.s. The concert was Gogol Bordello.
It wasn’t one that I been asked. But to ask someone else. But it was to prove a point that people knew that this word meant. Okay here is the story I will try sum it as best as I can. Well I have pet name on my cell phone. Like for instance, my best friend name is Queen LaQueefa. Well I was showing my boss a text I got from her and she became curious of the name I had for her. She thought it was, well strange. I said “I call her that because everytime she hears that word, Queef, she laughs because she finds it a funny word for what it means.” Well I also told her I won’t tell her what it means. But she insisted so I did. She about fell out of her chair. She said she never heard it called that. I decided to say oh well everyone knows that its called that. My co-worker went by and I asked her if she knew what it was and she to my surprise, didn’t. But there was a male co-worker in the same room. SO I made a comment I was going to ask him. My boss got so embarrassed and say, “no Dee don’t ask him!” So I went and said, “Do you know what a queef is?” and he started laughing and shook his head yes, and of course my co-worker was like, What is it.. what is it.. so instead of just saying it, he made the sounds …lol but my boss couldn’t believe I asked hims that. But I have said other things to my poor co-worker also but i will leave that for another day.
Yesterday my daughter was doing her homeowrk in the back seat of my car and asking my her questions out loud as I drove. She was on spelling and read me a sentence to fill in the blank. I swear on my last pack of ciggs this was the question from my 8 year old…”That cowboy has the biggest ______ I have ever seen!”
After the laughter subsied I replied…HAT!
Hmm. Well yesterday I drove past a church with a big billboard outside it that said “Looking for a free trip to heaven? Details inside.”
In my meaner high school days, I thought it might be funny to give my mom a mild heart attack. So we were riding in the car one sunny afternoon and in the manner of one of those afterschool special moments (or the feminine wash commercial where the daughter asks her mom if she ever has that “not so fresh feeling?”), I ask my mom very seriously how she would feel about being a grandmother right now. I hurriedly add that this is hypothetical as I would never have sex, of course my tone saying the exact opposite. She starts getting worried and I tell my very conservative, Christian mother that I’m just kidding I always wear a condom with the different girls I bang. For some crazy reason, she didn’t find this as humorous as I did.