I usually dip into Seventeen Magazine to help answer the questions of today’s youth but I switched it up for the more wholesome Teen Magazine where the girls were getting really awful advice. Here are four questions that I selected and a fifth that I would like you to answer.
Q: I really like my friend’s boyfriend and I think he likes me because online he started telling me how good looking I was and that if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he would go out with me but he doesn’t want to cheat on his girlfriend. What should I do?
Feeling Guilty, AL
A: Wait, when you say he doesn’t want to cheat on his girlfriend you mean your friend. Don’t say girlfriend because that somehow lessens the fact that she is your friend. Anyway, this helps establish the fact that women all secretly hate each other and it starts at an early age. Guys will not go after other guy’s girlfriends; it is just a written code that will get you disowned by society if violated.
Women though treat 90% of their friends as totally disposable and worthy of getting rid of if a desirable man comes along.
Obviously you must keep this trend going and get him to dump her. Perhaps sending him slutty pictures via IM and telling them to let his girlfriend discover them. Also you have the whole cell phone option, next time they are out on a date together send him some dirty pictures of you. It will be sure to cause a breakup.
Q: There’s this guy who likes me a lot. At first, I was totally flattered, but the more I got to know him, the more I realized he wasn’t my type. Now he’s in my face wherever I go — even though I’ve let him know I’m not interested. My friends don’t understand. They think I’m lucky and should be jazzed that he’s paying me so much attention to me. How can I let him know that I really want him to back off and leave me alone?
A: Wait he just shows up where ever you go? You have what most people call a gentleman caller that is bat shit insane. However you need to use this to your advantage and get him to do things for you in order to win you over. Is there a girl you go to school with that you especially despise? Have him rub her out for you. Doing poorly in a class? Get your stalker to threaten the teacher.
Turn this creepy situation into something really positive. Of course you can’t write him or acknowledge him in public so when he gets caught for all of this you can just say that he is insane and has never talked to you. Remember when you take advantage of people you don’t want to be tied to them.
Q: “My boyfriend wants to make out and do other sexual things all the time. He said he will wait until I want to do them, but then he will go and bug me about doing stuff with him. I don’t like to do that kind of stuff, and I don’t want to. I tried telling him, but he just doesn’t get it. What do I do?”
Nikki L., Muskegon, MI
A: Nobody like a tease Nikki, nobody likes a tease. You see if you don’t give in and do something you are not the appropriate age for or don’t feel ready for he is going to dump you and find a girl that will. Then he will brand you as a tease, tell everyone at school, and you will have to start sitting at a table with all the freaks and outcasts. At that point you will be forced to choose one of two paths. The first is that you reverse fields and start just giving it up to everyone and anyone. Of course you will be branded as a slut and will probably get knocked up but whatever. Or you could withdrawal into a pit of loneliness, eat your feelings, don’t talk to anyone, and become a lesbian by the time you reach college because boys have emotionally destroyed you.
Now neither really sounds appealing does it? So just give it up to avoid either of those horrible outcomes. (Note: The mental anguish you may suffer for doing something you aren’t ready for isn’t as bad as the other two options and it is usually something years of therapy can take care of.)
Q: My dad caught me making out with my boyfriend and he freaked out. I’ve had to sneak around to see my boyfriend ever since. It’s not fair. I love him so very much and I really want to marry him, but I’m young and so is he. I’m willing to wait, but I don’t think it’s right that my dad is keeping two people who are in love away from one another. It’s so difficult, I don’t want to hurt my family, but I’m in love. Please help.
A: Now if you were from West Virginia I would assume it was your cousin and that is why your father was so upset. But since you aren’t I am at a loss. The first person you fall in love with and want to marry while in school is usually the best person to spend the rest of your life with. I mean I doubt you will have doubts at age 20, 25, 30, 40, 50, and every day after that until one of you is lowered into the ground.
We all know the person that we are at 15 is the person we are destined to be for the rest of our lives. So I say run away, go to a state where you can legally marry, file for emancipation from your parents, and start a family. College, a vocation, or a high school diploma… who needs it when you have true love! Just remember any adult that tells you differently doesn’t have your best interest in hand or knows how it feels to be young and in love.
And now for the question I want you to answer:
Q: My boyfriend smokes pot and drinks a lot. I’m afraid that he’s going to get hurt. He tells me that nothing is going to happen to him. What can I do?
Do your worst…