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Teen Magazine Questions Answered

By: Bobby Finstock on 03/9/09 @ 11:00 am

I usually dip into Seventeen Magazine to help answer the questions of today’s youth but I switched it up for the more wholesome Teen Magazine where the girls were getting really awful advice. Here are four questions that I selected and a fifth that I would like you to answer.

Q: I really like my friend’s boyfriend and I think he likes me because online he started telling me how good looking I was and that if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he would go out with me but he doesn’t want to cheat on his girlfriend. What should I do?
Feeling Guilty, AL

A: Wait, when you say he doesn’t want to cheat on his girlfriend you mean your friend. Don’t say girlfriend because that somehow lessens the fact that she is your friend. Anyway, this helps establish the fact that women all secretly hate each other and it starts at an early age. Guys will not go after other guy’s girlfriends; it is just a written code that will get you disowned by society if violated.

Women though treat 90% of their friends as totally disposable and worthy of getting rid of if a desirable man comes along.


Obviously you must keep this trend going and get him to dump her. Perhaps sending him slutty pictures via IM and telling them to let his girlfriend discover them. Also you have the whole cell phone option, next time they are out on a date together send him some dirty pictures of you. It will be sure to cause a breakup.

Q: There’s this guy who likes me a lot. At first, I was totally flattered, but the more I got to know him, the more I realized he wasn’t my type. Now he’s in my face wherever I go — even though I’ve let him know I’m not interested. My friends don’t understand. They think I’m lucky and should be jazzed that he’s paying me so much attention to me. How can I let him know that I really want him to back off and leave me alone?
Bugged, AK

A: Wait he just shows up where ever you go? You have what most people call a gentleman caller that is bat shit insane. However you need to use this to your advantage and get him to do things for you in order to win you over. Is there a girl you go to school with that you especially despise? Have him rub her out for you. Doing poorly in a class? Get your stalker to threaten the teacher.
Turn this creepy situation into something really positive. Of course you can’t write him or acknowledge him in public so when he gets caught for all of this you can just say that he is insane and has never talked to you. Remember when you take advantage of people you don’t want to be tied to them.

Q: “My boyfriend wants to make out and do other sexual things all the time. He said he will wait until I want to do them, but then he will go and bug me about doing stuff with him. I don’t like to do that kind of stuff, and I don’t want to. I tried telling him, but he just doesn’t get it. What do I do?”
Nikki L., Muskegon, MI

A: Nobody like a tease Nikki, nobody likes a tease. You see if you don’t give in and do something you are not the appropriate age for or don’t feel ready for he is going to dump you and find a girl that will. Then he will brand you as a tease, tell everyone at school, and you will have to start sitting at a table with all the freaks and outcasts. At that point you will be forced to choose one of two paths. The first is that you reverse fields and start just giving it up to everyone and anyone. Of course you will be branded as a slut and will probably get knocked up but whatever. Or you could withdrawal into a pit of loneliness, eat your feelings, don’t talk to anyone, and become a lesbian by the time you reach college because boys have emotionally destroyed you.


Now neither really sounds appealing does it? So just give it up to avoid either of those horrible outcomes. (Note: The mental anguish you may suffer for doing something you aren’t ready for isn’t as bad as the other two options and it is usually something years of therapy can take care of.)

Q: My dad caught me making out with my boyfriend and he freaked out. I’ve had to sneak around to see my boyfriend ever since. It’s not fair. I love him so very much and I really want to marry him, but I’m young and so is he. I’m willing to wait, but I don’t think it’s right that my dad is keeping two people who are in love away from one another. It’s so difficult, I don’t want to hurt my family, but I’m in love. Please help.
Upset, Virginia

A: Now if you were from West Virginia I would assume it was your cousin and that is why your father was so upset. But since you aren’t I am at a loss. The first person you fall in love with and want to marry while in school is usually the best person to spend the rest of your life with. I mean I doubt you will have doubts at age 20, 25, 30, 40, 50, and every day after that until one of you is lowered into the ground.

We all know the person that we are at 15 is the person we are destined to be for the rest of our lives. So I say run away, go to a state where you can legally marry, file for emancipation from your parents, and start a family. College, a vocation, or a high school diploma… who needs it when you have true love! Just remember any adult that tells you differently doesn’t have your best interest in hand or knows how it feels to be young and in love.

And now for the question I want you to answer:

Q: My boyfriend smokes pot and drinks a lot. I’m afraid that he’s going to get hurt. He tells me that nothing is going to happen to him. What can I do?
Terrified, Neb.

Do your worst…

About the author

Bobby Finstock

Finstock is founder of Pointlessbanter.net. He is known for his encyclopedia like knowledge on the life and times of Scott Baio. In the future he hopes to write again under his own name in order to impress the ladies and build his celebrity to the levels of other failed internet writers.

13 Responses to “Teen Magazine Questions Answered”

  1. Okay. Here I go:

    Well, Terrified, since people who smoke pot and drink like fish are scientifically proven to be the most sound reasoning, intelligent folks in society, I say believe him. And to show that you completely trust his decision making, I suggest that you even go so far to prove this by also believe him when he says, “I’ve been faithful to you this whole time” or “I swear I’ll pull out” and “trust me, baby, you won’t get pregnant”.

    Here’s what you do to lay all of this to rest. Go and have your brother/uncle purchase a case of Mickey’s wide mouths and two ounces of Kind Bud for, Jim Bob, is it? Take it to his trailer, sit with your man, encourage him to drink as much as he wants, smoke all that stuff and get fuuuucked up. Then, when he wants to get in his car and drive somewhere, tell him to go for it and suggest he takes the railroad tracks. Then a train will come, hit him, splatter him across the tracks like Gallagher smashes a watermelon and we’ll never have to wonder about him procreating.

    Now don’t you feel better?

  2. Marcie says:

    Q: My boyfriend smokes pot and drinks a lot. I’m afraid that he’s going to get hurt. He tells me that nothing is going to happen to him. What can I do?
    Terrified, Neb.

    I say she should smoke and drink with him, to stay calm.

  3. Meghan says:

    Terrified needs to turn that attitude around and become more of a ‘glass half full’ kind of gal if she’s going to be able to handle a lifetime of poor choices in men.

    The silver lining she fails to recognize is that it’s Nebraska…a little brick weed and booze now is a lot better than the meth lab he’s going to be running out of his mother’s basement toilet 6 months down the dirt road.

    In the meantime, she should just enjoy having the kind of boyfriend who’s probably too old for high school girls, but wise enough to pick one who lets him get away with being a scumbag.

  4. Stephanie says:

    Ohhhh Stop dissing West Virginia! I know we’re bad, but we’re not THAT bad. lol

  5. debbie/mistaken says:

    ANS. In my opinion: too hell with the BS dump his ass otherwise you’ll be falling into the crypt of his desires. How old is this guy? oh wait I’m to assume he’s a teen too. WTF My god a drunk now a drunk later you bess believe he drank it too. put a lock on your fridge shoould you drink. Uhm SMOKE POT instead. ;P

  6. C says:

    I think on the first “A.” you mean ‘lessens’, rather than ‘lessons’. Just being snarky ; )

  7. C says:

    You give such good, wholesome advice Finstock. You should become a high school guidance counsellor.

    A. You should be taking an enthusiastic interest in your boyfriend’s extra curricular affairs, or else he’ll dump you and tell everyone you’re prude. Look at good female role models like Paula Abdul on American Idol, she’s always hammered. Start drinking in class and smoking pot in the school bathrooms. Play Edward 40-hands at lunchtime. Don’t show him you love him by lecturing him on the dangers of pot and booze, just give in to the peer pressure. You probably need the friends if you’re doing things like writing to Teen Magazine.

  8. Tori says:

    A: Become a hovering, controlling bitch. Make it very clear that you disapprove because you “love him.” If you catch him drinking or smoking with his friends, cause a scene. Drag him outside at parties to have serious discussions about your relationship when you walk in on him doing a beer bong in the garage. Make him feel like he needs to lie to you and go behind your back to stay with you (because you’re putting out a lot, right? I mean, that’s really the only way he’s sticking around.)

    Oh no wait, that’s what I did. I take it back. The answer is dump his sorry ass.

  9. Hoeanna says:

    Oh no worries…as soon as your knocked up by him, right around 11th grade, he will no doubt quit drinking and smoking pot and take a wholesome responsibility for you and your bastard child.

  10. Rick says:

    Q: My boyfriend smokes pot and drinks a lot. I’m afraid that he’s going to get hurt. He tells me that nothing is going to happen to him. What can I do?
    Terrified, Neb.

    A: Drinking *and* smoking pot? This sounds like a serious problem … until you consider his response.

    Trust is an important part of every relationship. When a teenage boy says nothing will happen to him, it’s because nothing ever will. You are one of those lucky few young women in the world dating a genuine superhero or possibly even a Highlander. (Does he get nervous in the Knife Shop at your local mall?)

    While it is touching that you show such concern for his safety, you can really show your love for him by showing you trust him. This can be done in any number of ways, including bringing him a sixer of his favorite beer and the keys to your 1997 Plymouth Neon, letting him stick the head in (just this one time), or even building him a personalized Build-A-Bear that sounds like Snoop Dogg when you squeeze his paw.

    Good luck in your relationship, and try not to worry too much about your super man. The last thing you want is to end up like Margot Kidder.

  11. Madelyn Writer says:

    A. Cutting. It’s the only way you’ll remember how to feel.

  12. AALV says:

    The only thing you CAN do, Terrified. Try all the things your boyfriend does that you are scared of. Smoke lots of pot, and while you’re at it, drink as much as you possibly can at one time. Hopefully, you’ll be so fucked up that you’ll barely notice when he and his friends take turns date-raping every orifice they can find on your judgemental body. When you wake up the next day, sore and bathed in the ejaculations of twenty mostly-mongoloid high school substance abusers, you’ll realize that the pot and booze were only gateways for you to release your true inner self: A fatuous, condescending little whore. The only thing left to do then it to run as fast and hard as you can into your nearest wall and follow it up by scraping off the rest of your face with a rusty spoon.

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