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Watchmen Review: Way too much CGI penis for my taste

By: Bobby Finstock on 03/7/09 @ 7:54 am

Normally we don’t do movie reviews around here. I kind of find it pompous to tell you what I think about a movie, like it is going to have any sort of impact on if you are going to enjoy it or not. It is arrogant to presume that my taste in a film is worthy enough that you need to take note. Of course I will mock you endlessly if you don’t like something I do… Ah the sweet smell of hypocrisy.

Yesterday I decided to take the afternoon off of working and go see the Watchmen at noon. Growing up I really wasn’t a comic book kid. I owned baseball cards which made me 25% cooler than a kid with comic books. Of course I lose that advantage as soon as I admit to playing a board game centered on the baseball cards and kept stats for it. My friend and I played so many games it filled two three ring binders of loose-leaf paper. (Which explains a lot about me and finding girlfriends when I was young.)

As an adult though I have purchased two graphic novels. (Comic books for adults that are too snobby to call them comic books.) One was a Batman graphic novel that was recommended to me and the other book was the Watchmen. The Watchmen is consistently listed as not only one of the best graphic novels of the last 25 years but as one of the best pieces of literature. I was pretty excited to see the movie although the circumstances around my viewing left a little to be desired. Being in a movie theater at noon with 15 other males, all there alone except for two pairs of friends, made me feel like I should be wearing a trench coat and prepared to rub one out with my feet sticking to the floor. From there it only declined for one single reason.

A whole lot of blue CGI cock.

I shouldn’t have been surprised because in the comic they show Dr. Manhattan’s bits and pieces but there is a whole lot of difference between seeing poorly illustrated cock to swinging dick.


Every guy has drawn a penis at one point in his life, usually on the face of a friend that passed out early when drinking. So drawn flesh monsters are not shocking. But seeing a swinging CGI penis flailing about was a bit much to take especially in a theatre filled with other guys.

drawn penis

For half of the movie I was left comparing my junk to that of a CGI Billy Crudup. Then openly questioned if Penny Lane would be into my trouser snake as compared to his. I am still wondering if I could have laid the wood to her.

Oh yeah… The movie wasn’t bad.

Have you watched or do you even have a desire to watch Watchmen?

About the author

Bobby Finstock

Finstock is founder of Pointlessbanter.net. He is known for his encyclopedia like knowledge on the life and times of Scott Baio. In the future he hopes to write again under his own name in order to impress the ladies and build his celebrity to the levels of other failed internet writers.

53 Responses to “Watchmen Review: Way too much CGI penis for my taste”

  1. so what you’re saying is, you DO have a taste for CGI penis?

  2. Karl Rove says:

    The movie wasn’t bad.It left some things to be desired, but the opening montage with Bob Dylan playing was amazing.

    The fact that there were four blue CGI penises in one scene was pretty terrifying though.

  3. Freaky Naked Blue Man says:

    Sounds like someone has PENIS ENVY! And that makes you 25% gayer than everybody else!

  4. Steve says:

    Grow up. Don’t be afraid of the human body.

  5. Dillon says:

    Yeah… Snyder (the director) seemed much too excited about showing off that dick… after seeing it for the 14th time, I was beginning to wonder what the point of showing it was. I mean yeah, I get it: he’s made of electricity and he’s able to remain flacid in the presence of Malin Ackerman. A true super man.

  6. SkuddGobang says:

    You saw a movie that well made, engaging, thought provoking, ground-breaking and all you saw was the combined 25 seconds of CGi penis in 2 hours and 45 minutes of movie?

    Geez, dude, how latent ARE you?

    • It’s a humor blog…. Do you really think I was comparing Billy’s pipe to mine and thinking if I could nail an imaginary character in another movie? How dumb are you?

  7. Katie says:

    I’m a woman and I have to admit there was WAAAYYY too much penis in this movie, even for me. I get it, he’s naked. I must’ve seen the penis at least 2 dozen times. I understand the character is supposed to be nude and “not care” or hide anything, but seeing someone’s junk waving around was too distracting and wasn’t necessary at all.

    The sex scene between NightOwl and the woman (I’m sorry I forget her name) was also very graphic, a bit too long, and wasn’t really necessary as it didn’t really add to the plot. We get it, they had sex. They didn’t need to actually show the man’s ass while he’s slamming her, and closing in on her face for a full 5 seconds while she’s orgasming. What purpose does that serve other than give 15 year old comic book nerds semis??

    SkuddGobang, the movie wasn’t that engaging and thought provoking anyways. Some of the scenes were drawn out too long, had too much talking, and the movie itself felt far too long. I could’ve used more fight scenes and less penis.

    • Jack says:

      ‘I could’ve used more fight scenes and less penis.’

      ‘They didn’t need to actually show the man’s ass while he’s slamming her, and closing in on her face for a full 5 seconds while she’s orgasming.’

      Katie, are you in fact a 15-year-old boy? There was endless fighting. gushing blood, and like 15 seconds of ‘distracting’ penis. Did you not read anything about this movie – or the book – before going to see it?

    • They showed her boobs so i was satisfied.

    • Danielle says:

      ‘hm. Well I suppose it’s either that or CGI non-penises, like in Beowulf where where’s a distractingly noticeable shadow no matter the position. Perhaps conspicuous shadows are just so much what we’ve come to expect that big floppy penises (in a half empty theater at noon) WOULD seem… somewhat bizarre.

  8. Katie says:

    And doesn’t this whole article tell you something about the movie?? So many people left the theatre and all they could say was “wow that movie had too much dick”??. How thought-provoking can a movie like that really be?? I won’t be buying this DVD, that’s for sure. It wasn’t exactly epic like The Dark Knight.

    I’m anxiously awaiting for Wolverine now.

    • Wolverine isn’t going to be good. I don’t know why. I just have a gut feeling. I hope I am wrong.

    • Superman says:

      I went and saw the movie, the day after it came out in Imax and I have to honestly say due to the epic amount of crystal clear projection DLP blue man penis, I was more excited for the Transformers 2 trailer than this ENTIRE movie. The action was lackluster, so much dialog it was rediculous. A lot of questions that remained unanswered like where did the Watchmen recieve their training? Why did the blue man have to walk around without a bottoms? What the eff was that tiger thing at the one guys side at the end and why wasn’t anyone worried about it? I’m glad they showed some ladies boobs in this movie, had they not and showed all that dick I would have been so pissed. The only scene where it would have been hilarious for the Dr. to go nude he dressed up in suit and all? That was completely retarded. How are they gonna have a flying hovercraft like archie and then the billion dollar kid with his business has a shitty like DOS computer that still runs on floppy discs? So many flaws with this movie, definitely NOT worth owning on dvd and Katie I hope you were joking about The Dark Knight being epic, because if anything it was an epic fail as well.

  9. billyC says:

    funny how no one laughed or said a word when the p made its many appearances…why? simple. if there was no enis, than the blue guy wasnt really a doctor who was in a horrible accident…he just would have seemed like a….well….a stupid cgi character. the fact that he had junk meant that he really was originally a physicist involved in an experiment gone awry…weird how a p makes us guys human (women might disagree)

  10. Sarah says:

    Yeah Ron and I went to see it last night, and I think my jaw must have dropped every time Dr. Manhattan’s junk was shown…but I will NEVER forget the wonderful sex scene between Silk Spectre II and NiteOwl…holy shit…

  11. Jeremy says:

    Completely unrelated to blue penis. The other Graphic series you need is the Sandman by Neil Gaiman.

  12. James says:

    There needs to be more penis is movies from now on…
    Dr. Manhattan’s penis is a work of art…Not enough penis if you ask me…
    Just my opinion though.

  13. Katie says:

    No Jack, I’m not a 15 year old boy. Are you? And no, I actually haven’t read the comic at all, I heard it’s decent but fortunately I have a life. And I said there could have been MORE choreographed fighting. Showing a bit of gushing blood doesn’t make up for 2 hours of penis and pointless chatter. Only entertaining scenes were with Rorschach [sic]. The rest of the time I was bored.

    And I wasn’t the only person who thought there was too much dialogue and lacklustre fighting (see Superman’s post, which I agree with). Superman, I thought the SAME thing, no back-stories at all. It was just ridiculous: “Where did you get all of this stuff, NightOwl?” “Oh my father was a banker and left me a lot of money”. Superb explanation there. The cheap computers/floppy disks at the end had the entire theatre laughing. I’m sure the comic is better, but this movie was a big flop.

    • I don’t think the movie was as good as the book, not that it ever is. Also I think the adaptation left a lot to be desired. But it is hard to compress something that the book was in a single movie.

      BUT the computers and floppy disk was because the movie was set in 1985… which kind of explains why they were like that.

  14. Haldo-chan says:

    Lots of penis, eh? Lol. Do not want.

  15. Rae says:

    Hahaha so reading A comic book means one has no life? Ah fuck it, I have no life, and I liked this movie.
    They really needed to get into the whole genetic engenering thing for Bubastis (big giant cat thingy) to make sense, though…

  16. “When I was a little kid, I kinda had this problem. And it’s not even that big of a deal, something like 8 percent of kids do it. For some reason, I don’t know why. I would just kinda… sit around all day… and draw pictures of dicks. I’d just sit there hours on end drawing dicks. I didn’t know what it was. I couldn’t touch the pen to the paper without drawing the shape of a penis.”

    This was all I thought about reading this post. Superbad. Funny.

  17. Wave says:

    Why are four penises “terrifying” if there is a scene with 4 nude Dr. Manhattans? Do you find locker room terrifying? Come on and deal with the repression going on in your head – anatomy is just that and it’s all part of the human body. And for what it’s worth, women have been subjected to seeing other women’s bodies for years in movies…get over with the misogyny, really. For the record, I saw the movie for the second time last night…the penises are barely even noticeable the second time for some reason. It’s no big deal, but the film is looooooonnnnng and some of the romance stuff betrween NightOwl and Silk Spectre is just plain boring.

  18. Kikolani says:

    I started to laugh each time they showed it. For as much as they show all the women’s bits in other movies, I guess this makes up for it.

    ~ Kristi

  19. [...] I googled more reviews and fond this being talked about more than other parts of the movie. (See here, here and here for just a few other [...]

  20. Bill says:

    When exactly do they show “women’s bits” in R movies though? All you ever see is pubic hair.

  21. some fat kid says:

    …….in the comic his ummmmmm “thing” is tiny

  22. jim says:

    I thought the movie was good. It just had to much blude penis in it. Its very weird in alomost every scene he is in it just dangling around out and about. To much blue dick.

  23. jim says:

    in my last comment I typed “blude” when I ment “blue”

  24. Rick says:

    Here’s my question: what did they do with his balls? In the reference image from the comic, there’s sack. In the movie? None.

    Did they pull some half-science rewrite on us, saying the radiation fried them off? And why didn’t he swell up like the other eunuchs?

  25. Aaron says:

    ummmm…..whats wrong with a penis in a movie…..we have been subjected to women flashing there shit in movies for years….its about time the cock gets some recognition…..i saw the movie and i thought it was awesome….and i enjoyed that they stuck to the comic and didn’t try to cover it up….what is the big deal?

    • Bill says:

      “we have been subjected to women flashing there shit in movies for years….its about time the cock gets some recognition”

      All you ever see of woman in R movies are breasts and pubic hair. You never see female genitalia. Now with that said I have no problem with nudity in movies. I think people are way to over sensitive about it. But it is a double standard when it come to showing genitals.

    • It isn’t a big deal, it is a humor blog… and I am not the one googling “blue penis watchmen”

  26. Christmas in Hollis…er, Bobby…you used to love when I sent you stop motions of my swinging cock.

    You getting all squeamish on us in your old age, eh?

  27. cio says:

    I loved the movie, especially Rorschach. I guess the blue penis was noticeable in a few scenes but in a movie that’s 3 hours long, I really didn’t pay as much attention to it as the people who are grossed out. I’m definitely going to read the graphic novel now, it’s supposed to be one of the top 25 “comic books” out there. I generally don’t read comic books, but if it’s a good story, why not? Katie seems a little defensive, I mean reading a book doesn’t take that long even if you really do have a life.

  28. coffee says:

    i don’t understand how anyone could have a problem with this movie except to say that it wasn’t exactly what they personally expected; the movie seemed to be pretty much flawless

  29. Nic says:

    I searched to see why it was so important to have him appear naked 99% of the time. In the end I was left saying to myself – thank goodness they covered him when he was in Jolly Green Giant mode or his action would have taken up the whole screen.

  30. Lochan says:

    I’m a bit amazed by all the press re: Dr. Manhattan’s nudity. Note the following:
    -The character was clothed in the scenes he was in public (i.e. when not alone, with his significant other, or with his peer Watchmen).
    -Out of 2 hours and 40+ minutes he’s seen full-frontal for less than a minute.
    -The 1985 graphic version was a consistent rendering of male genitalia for that era and not unlike the Ken doll’s package.
    _The graphic version was vague enough not to Really illustrate his religious nor cultural background yet so many are fixated on the movie version being a circumcised penis. Dr. M is a manifestation of Jon Osterman who (as a male living in the N.E. U.S. in the 80’s) had an 83% chance of being circumcised.
    Women’s bodies have been plastered across movie screens for nearly 90 years. This is quid pro quo for the ladies. Guys, get over your penis shock.
    That being said, and this being a humor venue, I imagine the IMAX version of any part of this film would have been stunning. Point well taken there.
    (For those of you who feel they can’t Have a Life AND read books during it–Try it before sharing uninformed opinions. Watchmen was a very different type of book which had multiple plots throughout it. If you consider what was written and what they managed to get across in the film… this movie was brilliant. If you only want to be spoon fed a simple plot with action and typical sex scenes then you are out of your league here.)

  31. Pamela says:

    Billy Crudup was not used as the model for Dr. Manhattan’s blue body. It was some dude who is 6′4 220+ lbs. I tried looking him up but there is no revealing of his name that I could find.

    It was nice to see a dude’s junk larger than life on screen for once tho. And who said they were all excited about seeing Silk’s tittays? It was like looking at a 12 year old boy. Her outfit had some serious push-up action going in it.

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