“Octomom” Breaks Silence on Delivery Details of Octuplets: “Some of Them Came Out of My Ass”
(Bobby Finstock here. Today PointlessBanter.net welcome aboard a great satire writer and a person with a truly warped sense of humor, Armand Assante’s Left Ventricle. He will be dropping in on a weekly basis to share his unique brand of humor.)
Los Angeles, CA – Many different questions have been posited to “Octomom” Nadya Suleman, the woman who recently gave birth to 8 healthy infants from an in vitro pregnancy, and she has coyly and wisely kept quiet about the entire situation. She has stealthily managed to evade photographers and cameramen and kept as low a profile as possible, eschewing interviews and the talk-show rounds for quiet time at home with her children.
Most of those questions have still managed to be asked and answered, but the one that never seems to be asked is, “How did she pop out those kids after already squeezing out 6 of them?” The answer, it seems, is more complicated than one might think.
“Let’s face it”, Suleman said from her regular room in the Signs of the Apocalypse Fertility Clinic, “My vagina was pretty jacked up after the first six bastards. It looked a lot like a partially-filled sausage casing. You know, all stretched out in some places and lumpy in others.” Suleman then went on to adjust the hem of her dress to hide the errant labial edge dangling below it. “It’s a mess down there,” she continued, “And the doctors said there was no way they could get 8 more mutts through that mine field of a uterus. They definitely had to push a couple, though. They wouldn’t do a C-section because my stomach was so stretched they thought I might pop if they poked it. We had to find an alternative.”
Suleman says that doctors deliberated for several days before reaching the conclusion that her ass was more than roomy enough to accommodate at least a few of the babies, and not quite nearly as weathered as her uterus. “It’s still seen a lot of traffic, though!”, Suleman cackled. She went on to say that the doctors used a complicated cocktail of methods to perform this procedure, including an uninterrupted, repeated stream of navigation instructions broadcasted directly into the womb, a lighted plumbing snake, and a devilishly malleable pair of forceps. When asked how many babies they were able to birth through her ass, Suleyman said, “Half. About four of them, so roughly half of them were ass-babies.”
Doctors were unavailable for comment, but one staff member of the Signs of the Apocalypse Fertility Clinic who was present at the birth spoke privately about it. “This unconventional procedure was created out of necessity”, he said, “Due to the horrendous conditions of Nadya Suleman’s New York City Housing Project of a vagina. You’ve heard of the sausage/hallway analogy, right? That wouldn’t be applicable here unless the hallway was full of jagged cave structures, gibbering, beaked tentacle-beasts out of a Lovecraft nightmare, a rampaging, territorial male Silverback gorilla, and the sausage was eight underweight half-retards.”
Despite the insider’s scathing testimony, the procedure seemed to be a success. Suleman brought home eight brand-new children, who were immediately devoured by her older, stronger six children. “Law of the jungle, I guess”, she shrugs, “I can always make more. Speaking of which, there were actually 10 babies altogether. One misinterpreted the directions and got lost. I accidentally coughed him up into a tissue the other day. It was too late for him. The other one, I think I flushed. Either that or he escaped. ”
Suleman has also begun to take her story to press outlets, even going as far as appearing on the Dr. Phil McGraw show. The controversy-loving Dr. McGraw secured an interview with Suleyman by promising to impregnate her with his big, bald, walrus-y children. However, before Dr. Phil could ask her a question on-air, she said, “When are you due?”. Looking more dumbfounded than usual, the cartoonishly-headed clinical psychologist replied by saying, “Excuse me?”, and immediately used his tail to slap a fish into his mouth from the bucket he keeps next to his chair at all times. Suleman said, “Oh, I thought your head was pregnant.” After an awkward silence, the clip ended with the stage crew spritzing Dr. Phil with some water to keep his hide moist and Woody Woodpecker running in from stage left and slapping him in the face.
Suleman plans to raise her remaining 6 children as kittens. She is currently undergoing a procedure to be implanted with Wooly Mammoth embryo.
“Due to the horrendous conditions of Nadja Suleyman’s New York City Housing Project of a vagina. You’ve heard of the sausage/hallway analogy, right? That wouldn’t be applicable here unless the hallway was full of jagged cave structures, gibbering, beaked tentacle-beasts out of a Lovecraft nightmare, a rampaging, territorial male Silverback gorilla, and the sausage was eight underweight half-retards.”
That’s good stuff right there. Good stuff.
The Housing Project comparison is particularly apt, but only because there is currently a poor black family living in it.
Brilliant.
I agree with this statement.
I still think they shot out of her like a t-shirt gun.
There are several other alternative theories, one of which being that they all drove out of there in a maroon Jeep Cherokee.
Im lost for words…
;P great blog
Would you like to buy a child?
Hilarious.
Are you referring to her face?
I bet you really sympathise with Nadya, having once delivered ass twins yourself.
RIP, Plumpy and Ploppy. You are gone but not forgotten.
Ploppy was a saint.
Thank you for the hard hitting news story.
Someone’s got to get the truth out there.
SOFTER THAN AN APPLE PIE-
Yes that’s what impotence is all about. Some of us just can’t get it up, OR- If we can, then it just don’t stay up there long enough for our partners to mount a decent attack. Yes, we have tried the blue pills, but less than 50% of us have any joy with those, so imagine how that feels. Still not getting a decent stiffy when taking the supposed wonder drug. The answer is about as low as the belly of a sausage dog.
Fortunately there are alternatives and if you are lucky someone has already told you about HealthyED pills. If not then get yourself off to their site and buy some pronto fellas. These pills are clinically proven to improve sexual function in over 80% of all men that take them. They work on the body in the same ways as the major chemical blue pills but as they are natural there are no side effects and better results. The full clinical trial is online along with information about how and why HealthyED works so well is all on their internet site.
Just call me bigboy.
Umm WTF Dude?? Your idiotic spamming ass needs to go. Your comment had absolutely no bearing at all on the topic being discussed here.
Armand- Awesome post! This woman pretty much disgusts me. I cannot even IMAGINE what her “junk” must look like….no wait…yes I can now that I’ve read this..
I think his comment is extremely relevant. If you had a penis, would YOU be able to get a hard-on if you knew the “woman” you were about to get with had a vag you could rappel down?
Did someone say pie?
Nobody important.
Softer than apple pie? I don’t even know what that means. Does an apple pie not have a hard crust?
In any case, BOY are you in the wrong place. Anyone who writes or reads the blogs on this website is hard as nails.
I know I am.
Even Donkey?
Dude I’m so serious, I think her vagina has just completely closed since nothing has come in or out of it in 8 years. Maybe it’s like a collapsed star.
Look, you can’t just punch a hole in a wall and expect it to magically close eight years later.
Dr. Phil and his “big, bald, walrus-y children.” Excellent stuff…
If a half-human, half-horse is called a Centaur, what’s a half-walrud, half-human called?
Waltaur?
:: sigh ::
Oh, how I’ve miss you, AALV…
This is perfection personified.
God Bless the resurection of Pointless Banter.
I didn’t know it was dead. I guess the few million page views last year were a figment of my imagination.
You probably want to rephrase that. I will just chalk it up to booze or crack or whatever.
It’s been here, but it’s now at least 1.5% sexier with me here.
1.5% you are selling yourself short. I would say 2.3%
Make it 2.75 and you’ve got a deal.
Of course that’s what I meant.
Duh.
Mike, this may be your finest reporting to date.
I wholeheartedly agree. It was an extremely tough story to get. I mean, getting a hold of this woman was damn near impossible. It’s not like she’s always in the news or anything.
I feel sorry for Octomom. She’s got kids out the ass and those poor children will be the butt of every joke.
after reading this i can come up with a few more job descriptions for Octo Mom including Ass Consultant.
http://www.waltsense.com/home/2009/2/13/top-ten-job-recommendation-for-octo-mom.html
Next thing you know, Nadya and her publicist will be suing all of the bloggers that write stuff like this. Just another way to get money for her ass babies. Kudos for the article. ROFLMA!
I’d say if she had such a roomy ass, she wouldn’t have gotten pregnant in the first place, but then I remembered she used shitloads of money she didn’t have to go the artificial route. So never mind.
I’m pumped you’re here AALV, I always did read you on myspace.
“Suleman then went on to adjust the hem of her dress to hide the errant labial edge dangling below it.”
Top notch.
I imagine that after the previous 6 kids that the octuplets didn’t have to force their way out. They’ve probably been bungee jumping for the last 6 months. Everytime she went for a dump they had to brace themselves.
the good news is Victor Munoz is likely to profit more off of this fiasco than Nadya Suleman, as his lawyers are going to shred through that confidentiality agreement tomorrow and then we will get ALL THE DIRT! Yay!
http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/1544901/nadya_suleman_octomom_empire_crumbling.html?singlepage=true&cat=25
mB