Hello? It’s Me…You Unoriginal Prick
I have been in the midst of a “Telemarketing Week” here at the office. Mind you, my job is not as a telemarketer. Not even close. But the powers that be here feel that we need to do these “blitzes” as a way for us to appreciate what our real jobs are. Well, our real jobs are pretty rough right now too. (Where’s the bail out money? I need a vacation!) With me laying the sarcasm on as thick as Joaquin Phoenix’s grizzled beard,
or as thick as all these douchebag run companies asking for billions of fucking dollars to put a band aid on an open femur fracture,
I can tell you that Telemarketing in my position is about as fun as being bum rushed by Rosie O’Donnell hopped up on Hershey bars, Red Bull and Testosterone.
But, I have actually had some fun with it so far. For example, I have had some people do the hang ups on me. I had one dude tell me to fuck off. And the coup de gras of them all…
I had some unoriginal bastard actually use lines from the movie 40 Year Old Virgin. You know, the part where Andy gets some sack and calls that one chick that he eventually bones, but she asks if he is a telemarketer.
Yeah, this guy tried playing that off on me. I have to admit, that sorry sack of shit didn’t know what he had coming to him, as I, the seer of all seers, knew it from go and let him have it.
It sounded something like this:
Me: Hello. Is ___ available?
Dickhole: Yeah, this is him. Who is this?
Me: This is Matt von Ballsack. I am calling with regards to…
Dickhole: Are you a telemarketer, Matt?
Me: Not at all, I just happen to be calli…
Dickhole: You just happened to be bothering me is what you just happened to be doing.
Me: Sir, that is not what I intend on doing.
Dickhole: Are you on top of a tall downtown building, Matt?
(Me knowing already this was headed somewhere down 40 Year Old path…)
Me: I am downtown, Mr. ____. Are you going to tell me to jump off of a tall building?
Dickhole: Yeah, why don’t you get a re…
Me: A real job? Maybe get a sword and fall on it? Mr. ____, I’ve seen that movie more times than you know, 40-Year Old Virgin, right? Look, I get that you don’t like these calls, I don’t like placing them. But, please, if you are going to insult me for trying to call you about something most business owners find helpful to keeping them in business, at least be original. That way, when I use “word of mouth advertising” to let about 50 friends of mine know how you felt about me, I’ll at least compliment you and say that you are original.
Dickhole: Uhhh…
Me: As I was saying, I don’t want to be a bother to you. Perhaps I should call back at a better time?
Dickhole: Naw…what have you got for me?
See? Further proof that watching movies ad nauseum and retaining most of the lines from it wasn’t a waste of time (see, Mom?) and in real life, it can pay off.
By the way, that dickhole I called? He bought.
I am the shit. Even if I need to get rid of my own Teen Wolf shit…
Anybody else have a crappy ass job they’d like to bash?
I worked as a telemarketer for a while right out of college too. But I got quite the opposite of reactions than you did
I received several marriage proposals as well as being told I really should be working a phone sex line 
I got P A I D that summer!!
If I ended up working a phone sex line I’d be just like the guy in CB4…”Yeah, yeah, I’m lickin’ yo balls…”
There isn’t enough room on your blog to bash my job, but with that said at least I have a job. Lets just say I deal with incompetence on a massive scale every day and it has made me lose complete faith in humanity.
Oh and by the way kudos on call that guy out. I hope to someday use my movie knowledge to call someone out like that.
Who knew it hours upon hours of watching comedies would play such a prominent role in my career? The only problem is that when my son tries to pull that shit on me someday, I won’t be able to tell him it is a waste of time.
It’s important to have a job that makes a difference, Matt. That’s why I manually masturbate caged animals for artificial insemination.
Anyone that can effectively reset a line from “Clerks” can have the honor of manually masturbating me for artificial insemination…of a dirty sock.
i did telemarketing for about a month. the only fun i got from it was the hang ups, cuss outs, and when it was time to tell people their playboy subscription was about to expire. i was like a little fat kid in a candy store when i would see playboy pop up on the screen.
Like has been said previous, “It’s a shitty job, but at least it’s my shitty job.” I work for a multi-venue sports and entertainment complex in security management that is invaded by the Rodeo every year at this time. Or as I have taken to calling it, “The Great Big Redneck Circle Jerk and Goat Molester Convention.” My boss doesn’t like that name for some reason.
I had a job where the boss and owner of a small business made a pass at me by using suggestive conversation. I’m grown and don’t embarass easliy but I know a perv when I see one so I quit! later to find out this young girl we knew got the same job as I… Same thing happened. shortly after he moved his business or was put in jail for his sexual behavior. Ass wipe!