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My Celebrity Apprentice Predictions

By: Bobby Finstock on 03/2/09 @ 7:38 am

I predict I will not watch one episode of this show. But that doesn’t stop me from breaking down the contestants and offering up who I think will this “competition” or allowing me to rip on them all.

Annie Duke- Poker Player

No Ben Really Gigli Was A Good Idea

No Ben Really Gigli Was A Good Idea

Why She Will Win: I think this is your winner right here. Poker players are good at reading people; she has personality, and is pretty damn smart. Last year a male won it and I am sure there has to be a rotation here.

Why She Won’t Win: Nobody know who is she and isn’t as interesting to keep around as the other people.

The Diceman- Washed Up Comedian

Older, fatter, and still with the same jokes

Older, fatter, and still with the same jokes

Why He Will Win: “Just tonight this chick is sucking my dick. And she’s like, ‘Don’t cum in my mouth.’ I go, ‘Honey, I don’t want to fuck up your hair. We’re in a nice restaurant.’ ” Just pure class.

Why He Won’t Win: You don’t go from selling out Madison Square Garden to completely off the radar for 15 years without being a complete screw up. Dice will be around for entertainment purposes for half the season and will get booted when he asks Claudia Jordan if she likes nursery rhymes.

NOTE: My prediction was wrong he was the first one eliminated last night.

Brian McKnight- R&B Singer


Why He Will Win: Black guys don’t win reality shows except for ones on VH-1.

Why He Won’t Win: See above

Brande Roderick- She poses Naked and Shit

Look found one with clothes on

Look found one with clothes on

Why She Will Win: She shows that Playmates are just hot women but cunning business people as well.

Why She Won’t Win: Flips out when team members refuse to airbrush any of her pictures.

Clint Black-Professional Redneck


Why He Will Win: Last year another redneck either won it or went really far. There is something about conservative southerners that understand how to screw other people over. They go far in life.

Why He Won’t Win: He is Clint Black.

Claudia Jordan- Model and opens briefcases for a guy with a fear of germs


Uh... why is she on here? Cross Promotion!!! NBC Synergy!

Why She Will Win: Deal or No Deal models are secretly the smartest human beings on the face of the earth and are using the show as a platform to take over the world with subliminal messages coming from their boobs.

Why She Won’t Win: We all know Rachael Ray is secretly trying to take over the world.

Dennis Rodman- Headcase


Michael Jordan must be so proud.

Why He Will Win: I can’t logically figure out how that would be possible.

Why He Won’t Win: He is Dennis Rodman.

Herschel Walker- Traded for 15,000 draft picks


Looks like me without my shirt

Why He Will Win: Walker has a sickening worth ethic he used to do something like 3000 pushups and sit ups a day. I can’t even wrap my head around that.

Why He Won’t Win: I think Walker had a horrible stuttering problem and a voice like Mike Tyson. That could be an issue.

Jesse James- The OG reality TV motorcycle guy


That is the look of a drunk girl and a guy that is not amused.

Why He Will Win: This guy has bagged porn stars, ran multiple successful businesses, and is now married to Sandra Bullock. He understands the inner workings of reality TV and should come off looking good.

Why He Won’t Win: Another one of those people that nobody really knows. However if you look at the show last year the people that made it towards the end were the smaller name people. I have him pegged for the final three.

Joan Rivers- Yes she is still alive

Why make a plastic surgery joke when she has already made it?

Why make a plastic surgery joke when she has already made it?

Why She Will Win: She has been in the business since radio was invented. She had to pick up a thing or two over that time… right?

Why She Won’t Win: She dies before the completion of taping.

Khloe Kardashian- Worthless fat whore

Now apparently thin

Now apparently thin

Why She Will Win: After sending a group to Antarctica for a mission they are stranded and have to cut Khloe open and live in her bowels for a week.

Why She Won’t Win: Um… she is a Karadashian what have they done worthwhile in their lifetimes?

Melissa Rivers- Should never put her mom in a nursing home

Mom can I have twenty dollars?

Mom can I have twenty dollars?

Why She Will Win: She has grown accustomed to leaching onto another person and coasting through life. Sometimes that is all you need to do on a reality show.

Why She Won’t Win: I don’t know that she has ever had an original thought in her lifetime.

Natalie Gulbis- Hot Golfer


Insert joke with golf reference that sounds dirty.

Why She Will Win: She won’t

Why She Won’t Win: Athletes don’t do well on reality shows unless it is like Dancing With The Stars. I can’t see her taking this.

Scott Hamilton- National Fucking Treasure (if you are gay)

I figure skate and I like women...

I figure skate and I like women...

Why He Will Win: It has been a long time since he was in his Olympic glory and he has done well for himself as a businessman and a color commentator.

Why He Won’t Win: He is bald… Nobody likes bald people.

Tom Green- On 14:59


Why He Will Win: Tom is kind of a self made man. He got into MTV of the strength of what was originally a public access show.

Why He Won’t Win: Of course since he was on MTV his career has gone nowhere and he is making web television shows which puts him on the same level as me. That can’t be good. Plus he is Canadian so that automatically means he is slow.

Tionne Watkins- Who?


Why She Will Win: I have no idea who she is.

Why She Won’t Win: I have no idea who she is…. Wait a second it is T-Boz from TLC… I guess after the one died and the other made a big deal about finding her father she had to do something to get some screen time.

Final three: Annie Dukes, Jesse James, Scott Hamilton

Who do you think will win? And do you even care?

About the author

Bobby Finstock

Finstock is founder of Pointlessbanter.net. He is known for his encyclopedia like knowledge on the life and times of Scott Baio. In the future he hopes to write again under his own name in order to impress the ladies and build his celebrity to the levels of other failed internet writers.

31 Responses to “My Celebrity Apprentice Predictions”

  1. I’m watching it purely because Jesse James is on it. While he may only be Mr. Sandra Bullock to the mainstream, he is a god in the motorcycle world. I think he’s got a good chance to be in the final three as well. Everyone else on the show sucks.

  2. mistaken/debbie says:

    I must admit this was rather funny after viewing the pics…How old is that pic of dennis rodman? I knew he fancied women’s clothing but…sorry I had to puke:P No offense to any of your readers that do.

  3. mistaken/debbie says:

    Do as in cross dressing. :}

  4. C says:

    Nope don’t really care : )

  5. Tits McGee says:

    You think that’s fat?

  6. Marc Beharry says:

    you are not watching? it is soo funny!

    seeing retarded celebs try to do stuff is ho-larious

  7. Joan Rivers will win. I imagine her as tough as Carol Channing when she beat Mike Tyson’s ass in that episode of Family Guy.

  8. sadadada says:

    This was completely long and ridiculous.
    Seriously, Celebrity Apprentice, WHO CARES?

  9. Selena says:

    DVR is the only reason I’m watching but thanks for announcing the end of what I’m about to watch… he insulted Trump. The End.

  10. trisha says:

    I didn’t watch last night, but I predicted when I saw the list of “celebs” *cough* that Dice wouldn’t last. I saw his reality show, and he’s about as big of a douche as The Donald. I knew he wouldn’t work well with others, and he’s a whiner.

    My prediction is Joan is going all the way; with all that plastic surgery she’s used to pain. Plus she’s Jewish and they’re good at business.

  11. Meghan says:

    I spent more time reading this post than I did trying to convince myself to watch the show last night. I think that makes me the winner.

  12. Nursey says:

    Thanks for the dig on Canadians. Can you lower our self esteem a little more? Ha! You can have Tom Green, he’s a little weird for our liking anyway. Like that Steve-o fellow….I better knit some mittens, the furnace broke down in the igloo today…

  13. Mary Jo says:

    You make me want to watch the show. And I have NEVER seen an episode.

  14. What’s absolutely amazing is that Kathy Griffin is NOT on this show. Is there something below a Z-list? Because this would be it. I thought for sure Andy Dick would pop up on here, but then I saw him on another “reality” show, Sober House. He cries on EVERY episode. I think you should show up at that house and make a scene whenever he tries to talk to the camera.

  15. 84strat says:

    The 2009 shows were filmed in the fall of 2008, and the winner is?

    Didn’t Big mouth, M.Rivers, spill the beans on this show a few weeks ago, on Larry King?
    She slipped up and said she made it till the end and Kardashian wins !

    Of course, I’m in Canada, so who knows what TV signals the USA is sending us!!

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