I predict I will not watch one episode of this show. But that doesn’t stop me from breaking down the contestants and offering up who I think will this “competition” or allowing me to rip on them all.
Annie Duke- Poker Player
Why She Will Win: I think this is your winner right here. Poker players are good at reading people; she has personality, and is pretty damn smart. Last year a male won it and I am sure there has to be a rotation here.
Why She Won’t Win: Nobody know who is she and isn’t as interesting to keep around as the other people.
The Diceman- Washed Up Comedian
Why He Will Win: “Just tonight this chick is sucking my dick. And she’s like, ‘Don’t cum in my mouth.’ I go, ‘Honey, I don’t want to fuck up your hair. We’re in a nice restaurant.’ ” Just pure class.
Why He Won’t Win: You don’t go from selling out Madison Square Garden to completely off the radar for 15 years without being a complete screw up. Dice will be around for entertainment purposes for half the season and will get booted when he asks Claudia Jordan if she likes nursery rhymes.
NOTE: My prediction was wrong he was the first one eliminated last night.
Brian McKnight- R&B Singer
Why He Will Win: Black guys don’t win reality shows except for ones on VH-1.
Why He Won’t Win: See above
Brande Roderick- She poses Naked and Shit
Why She Will Win: She shows that Playmates are just hot women but cunning business people as well.
Why She Won’t Win: Flips out when team members refuse to airbrush any of her pictures.
Clint Black-Professional Redneck
Why He Will Win: Last year another redneck either won it or went really far. There is something about conservative southerners that understand how to screw other people over. They go far in life.
Why He Won’t Win: He is Clint Black.
Claudia Jordan- Model and opens briefcases for a guy with a fear of germs
Why She Will Win: Deal or No Deal models are secretly the smartest human beings on the face of the earth and are using the show as a platform to take over the world with subliminal messages coming from their boobs.
Why She Won’t Win: We all know Rachael Ray is secretly trying to take over the world.
Dennis Rodman- Headcase
Why He Will Win: I can’t logically figure out how that would be possible.
Why He Won’t Win: He is Dennis Rodman.
Herschel Walker- Traded for 15,000 draft picks
Why He Will Win: Walker has a sickening worth ethic he used to do something like 3000 pushups and sit ups a day. I can’t even wrap my head around that.
Why He Won’t Win: I think Walker had a horrible stuttering problem and a voice like Mike Tyson. That could be an issue.
Jesse James- The OG reality TV motorcycle guy
Why He Will Win: This guy has bagged porn stars, ran multiple successful businesses, and is now married to Sandra Bullock. He understands the inner workings of reality TV and should come off looking good.
Why He Won’t Win: Another one of those people that nobody really knows. However if you look at the show last year the people that made it towards the end were the smaller name people. I have him pegged for the final three.
Joan Rivers- Yes she is still alive
Why She Will Win: She has been in the business since radio was invented. She had to pick up a thing or two over that time… right?
Why She Won’t Win: She dies before the completion of taping.
Khloe Kardashian- Worthless fat whore
Why She Will Win: After sending a group to Antarctica for a mission they are stranded and have to cut Khloe open and live in her bowels for a week.
Why She Won’t Win: Um… she is a Karadashian what have they done worthwhile in their lifetimes?
Melissa Rivers- Should never put her mom in a nursing home
Why She Will Win: She has grown accustomed to leaching onto another person and coasting through life. Sometimes that is all you need to do on a reality show.
Why She Won’t Win: I don’t know that she has ever had an original thought in her lifetime.
Natalie Gulbis- Hot Golfer
Why She Will Win: She won’t
Why She Won’t Win: Athletes don’t do well on reality shows unless it is like Dancing With The Stars. I can’t see her taking this.
Scott Hamilton- National Fucking Treasure (if you are gay)
Why He Will Win: It has been a long time since he was in his Olympic glory and he has done well for himself as a businessman and a color commentator.
Why He Won’t Win: He is bald… Nobody likes bald people.
Tom Green- On 14:59
Why He Will Win: Tom is kind of a self made man. He got into MTV of the strength of what was originally a public access show.
Why He Won’t Win: Of course since he was on MTV his career has gone nowhere and he is making web television shows which puts him on the same level as me. That can’t be good. Plus he is Canadian so that automatically means he is slow.
Tionne Watkins- Who?
Why She Will Win: I have no idea who she is.
Why She Won’t Win: I have no idea who she is…. Wait a second it is T-Boz from TLC… I guess after the one died and the other made a big deal about finding her father she had to do something to get some screen time.
Final three: Annie Dukes, Jesse James, Scott Hamilton
Who do you think will win? And do you even care?