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Suggestions for Octo-Mom To Make Money

By: Bobby Finstock on 02/26/09 @ 12:00 pm

Yesterday I read that Octo-Mom was offered a deal where she would be paid one million dollars to do a porn movie. If she signed a multi-picture deal the company would also give her health benefits for her 1.5 million children. I was mortified when I read that, not because it was degrading but because I have no interest in seeing her naked.
If she is out for a quick buck here are some suggestions for her:

Grand Canyon- After squeezing out so many kids her vagina is no longer like throwing a hot dog down a hallway it is like throwing a golf pencil into the Grand Canyon. So why not let people hike down the sides of her vagina and camp out in the floor of it? Donkey rides should also be an option.

Son: Look dad I found her sanity.

Dad: No son that is her vulva.


Horrible Angelina Jolie Look Alike- On MTV there is a show called True Life that documents the lives of various people. A few years back there was a woman that was an Anna Nicole Smith impersonator. The thing was she looked nothing like her except for being blonde, overweight, and having massive boobs. It was the equivalent of me saying I am a Colin Farrell impersonator because we are both white, have dark hair, and fuck our lives up all the time. The crazy thing was there were people dumb enough to pay her money. Nadya Suleman should just start going around on the celebrity impersonation circuit; she looks like a transgendered Angelina Jolie and who doesn’t want that at their car show?

Surrogate Mother for the Machines in the Matrix- The one thing I never got about the Matrix is where they kept getting the humans from to feed off of? I am sure they had some complex sperm milking and in vitro fertilization process. Why not just have the machines pull the kids out of her every 9 months? I mean it is obvious she likes being pregnant she can hold more than one at a time and with their complex technology I am sure she can jam another 6 or 7 in there.

Milk Supplier for Ben and Jerry’s Ice Cream- Remember last year when PETA wanted Ben and Jerry’s to use human breast milk? Let’s hook her up to a few machines and drain her. Of course the side effects of using her milk will probably make the population insane, drugged up, and baby crazy. I guess it won’t be that bad it would be like any woman over 30 on an internet dating site.

Do you have any job suggestions for her?

About the author

Bobby Finstock

Finstock is founder of Pointlessbanter.net. He is known for his encyclopedia like knowledge on the life and times of Scott Baio. In the future he hopes to write again under his own name in order to impress the ladies and build his celebrity to the levels of other failed internet writers.

14 Responses to “Suggestions for Octo-Mom To Make Money”

  1. Meghan says:

    Surrogate for the Matrix is pretty clever. I was thinking surrogate to the homosexually repressed single male celebs who’ve yet to come out of the closet. (I’m looking at you Seacrest)

    I suspect Michael Jackson would buy the rights to Suleman’s reproductive organs if he had any money left.

  2. Jaime says:

    Wait, what? Human breast milk? PETA is freaking nuts. That’s right up there with their sea kittens idea!

    Freakin’ PETA. Because milking humans is way more humane than milking cows.

  3. clientsideshowbob says:

    Family counselor.

    Who better to counsel troubled families than a woman who has given birth to a brood the equivalent to the population of Connecticut?

    I see her listening intently (or just practicing pouting her Jolie lips), writing scrips for fertility treatments (what everyone needs), and confidently assuring patients that they too will be well employed years after they give birth to a cast of thousands (cause that’s what parents of dozens of kids have, lots of time to study and get ahead in their careers).

  4. bethany says:

    I just ignore her and hope she’ll go away.. kind of like how the Bush Administration ignored the problems of the economy…

  5. tralfaz says:

    I’m not big on the idea of her becoming a porn star if only because I fear that will lead to her having yet another dozen or so pups. Given as we KNOW she can breed, why not have the government use her to mate with nearly-extinct species to help build up their decreasing population?

  6. Cappy says:

    “Hotdog down a hallway” Haaaaaa, brilliant!

  7. Dude, a porn movie with octo-mom would be very instructive! A close-up look at how to use fresh liver for shims.

  8. Vince says:

    She could could become the poster child for birth control. Just have her go to schools accross america and spread her legs infront of auditoriums of children. After viewing that wizards sleeve of a vagina I’m sure that at least 80 percent of them will never want to have children or possibly sex. This could slow the overpopulation problems of the world.

  9. Tori says:

    Actually, since she had them all c-section and hasn’t had sex in 8 years, I’d be willing to bet her vag has just sealed itself shut. That in itself could be a sideshow.

    • Vince says:

      You know I should have assumed she had a c-section. I just figured she was crazy enough to have 8 kids that she would have been shooting them out her vajay jay like they shoot t-shirts at fans at sporting events.

      • I figured she had a C section as well but it isn’t as funny

        • gail says:

          ya but still think of the octo-gigantic scar from that…..i wonder how many staples they used?….i bet a plastic surgeon would take off 20 pounds of skin and fat in a tummy tuck or “mommy lift”

  10. C says:

    Hahahaha. The first one is brilliant.

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