Are Bravo’s The Real Housewives of Orange County the Worst People in the History of People?
I have a confession to make.
Now you need to understand that I’ve been blogging for twelve years. There’s precious little that embarrasses me. My life is the virtual open book, each humiliating moment mined for as much material as I can possibly wring out of it.
But what I’m about to tell you may perhaps be the most mortifying words I’ve ever committed to the screen:
I watch The Real Housewives of Orange County.
I don’t watch them because I harbor some burning desire to move south and set up shop in a gated McMansion Community, or because I yearn for expensive chain restaurants, lopsided bolt-on boob jobs and a leatherette tan.
Sure, they have huge (probably mortgaged to the hilt) houses, they drive expensive (probably leased with an inch of their life) cars, they have huge bling (probably charged on a maxed-out credit card) on their fingers.
But they’re terrible human beings.
Like a Crayola Box of Evil.
The housewives gossip. They backstab. They’re mean to their husbands and overindulge their children. I understand that hot can make up for crazy. And obnoxious. And even dumb. But I still have a difficult time figuring out how any of them became housewives in the first place.
Which brings me to the real reason I watch The Real Housewives of Orange County: it’s the one hour out of my week where I am certain to feel morally superior.
They’re the worst people in the history of people, Will said to me one evening.
You might be right, I responded.
Which got me to thinking: how do the Orange County Housewives rack up to some of the worst people in the History of the Universe?
Hitler:
Those of you born in the 1990s may know Hitler as the head of the bad guys in Call of Duty. (Or as a recent commentator on Oscar Fashion on this very blog.) I know him ’cause he wiped out a good portion of my mom’s family during World War II (and made it impossible for me to complain about anything as a kid. No matter how much you think anything sucks, you can’t compete with Hitler.)
During the course of World War II, Hitler slaughtered nearly 12 million people in concentration camps, mostly Jews, but also Russians, Gypsies, Homosexuals…anyone that didn’t fit into his German Nationalist World View.
The Real Housewives of Orange County:
The Housewives exercise a reign of terror over their section of Orange County, casting a critical eye at anything that doesn’t fit into their Miracle Whip worldview. A recent (and let’s face it, probably free) meal at one of the nicest restaurants in Napa Valley had housewife Tamra Barney complaining
Where is an Olive Garden when you need one?!
During the course of a single Bravo television season, repeated viewings of The Real Housewives of Orange County will kill twelve million brain cells.
Who’s Worse? Hitler.
C’mon, he’s Hitler.
Joseph Fritzl:
In April of 2008, it was discovered that the Austrian man had kept his daughter prisoner in the basement for 24 years, fathering seven of her children.
There's creepy...and then there's this guy.
The Housewives: The Housewives have each produced their own demon spawn (minus this season’s new addition, Gretchen Rossi), but instead of locking them in their million-dollar-tract-house basements, they’ve released them into the world. Overindulged, over-entitled, underemployed – who has time to work when you’ve got to do beer bongs with your bikini-clad mom and her fake-titted friends at Lake Havasu? In short, they’re the reason the rest of the world hates us.
Lady, Joe Francis will pay you to put your shirt back on.
Who’s Worse: The Housewives.
Fritzl is a monster, but it’s not his kids’ fault that their dad is insane. The Housewives are evil incarnate raising their demon spawn and releasing them into the world.
Simon Cowell:
The American Idol judge is responsible for also foisting America’s Got Talent and Celebrity Duets onto the public, creating a safe haven for washed-up celebrities and reality star wannabes everywhere.
Cowell’s best known for his biting criticism on Idol, usually starting with “I don’t want to be rude, but…” I don’t mean to be rude, but the guy is a douchebag. Of course, this is not news. But he may have single-handedly created the douchebag economy, as well as a platform to celebrate the least talented among us.
The Housewives: Celebrating the least talented among us is what the Housewives are all about. Never has so much been done with so little.
Real Housewife Lynne could teach Simon Cowell how to get rock-hard pecs!
Who’s Worse: I’m gonna go with a tie on this one.
What embarrassing TV do you watch?
“Fritzl is a monster, but it’s not his kids’ fault that their dad is insane. The Housewives are evil incarnate raising their demon spawn and releasing them into the world.”
*lmao*
I’m waiting for my first hate mail on that one.
I’m ashamed to admit it, but I watch that load of horse manure, I Love New York on VH1. Its my secret shame.
Where else can you watch otherwise unsavory people debase themselves to fall in love with a crazy woman. It makes you feel good in your current relationship.
Exactly! It’s also why my husband and I watch Tool Academy.
If you think an hour of that is bad , you should watch “The City” on MTV , now there’s a load of Screen writers , actors , and Producers that there mother’s should have swalloed.
I’ve seen five minutes of The Hills, so I imagine “The City” is similar. Except that when I watch totally scripted reality I think WHY AM I NOT WRITING THAT? and then I have to get blotto.
So The Hills is the leading cause of cirrhosis in my house.
Yes it’s guilty pleasure/train wreck – I admittedly do watch those HOUSEWIVES shows and they’re all full of ROT indeed. Whatever happened to that QUINN chick on the OC is what I wanna know!? The website doesn’t say shite about her…she was a big ole faker for sure but I still can’t but help wonder just like everyone does/did about Jon Bonet Ramsey or any other tragic ‘wreck’ the world is glued to the tube/paper etcetera…for that moment in time.
Another guilty ‘displeasure’ I watch and cannot help but watch is that insipid BAD GIRLS CLUB on the OXYGEN Network. This is season 3. I saw season 2 but never saw season 1. Kathy Griffin mentioned this train wreck of a show in one of her stand up dealio’s – from that moment on I’ve been enthralled. It IS a train wreck indeed.
Hitler IS/WAS the MOST evil person – nuff said. Albeit they’re have been others who have attempted to follow his ‘recipe for disaster’ they too are now disposed or dead because folks finally WOKE UP and became proactive.
Our society is made of up of voyeurs and folks who enjoy getting on their soap boxes and bitching about stuff. The few who sit on life’s’ sidelines and watch ARE VOYEURS! They may not say a dayuum thing but they’re still watching one way or another!
Remember, if it quacks like a duck it ain’t chicken!
I think they were hoping Quinn would be a true cougar, and then discovered she wouldn’t put out until she was married.
“Albeit they’re have been others who have attempted to follow his ‘recipe for disaster’ they too are now disposed or dead because folks finally WOKE UP and became proactive.”
You mean like the genocide in Darfur? Or are you just referring to “convenient” action like the outsting of Saddam Hussein – whom we invaded I think because he was supposedly harboring terrorists and making weapons of mass destruction – not killing his own people.
Hi. My name is Brandi and I also watch this monstrosity of a show. They are some real bitches and that Vicky…man I can’t stand her!
The thing with Vicki is that SHE BELIEVES WHAT SHE’S SAYING. However, her daughter actually works, so either Vicki did something right or lucked out.
I think the Real Housewives of Atlanta will give them chicks a run for their money…
Atlanta is so incredibly, horrifically train wrecky that I couldn’t even figure out where to begin.
Damn. Simon needs a Mansiere. Or is it a Bro?
Maybe a Brah?
First of all, I don’t know how they get off calling these twat monsters ‘Housewives’. They don’t clean, rear their children and the only thing they seem to whip up comes in a Martini Glass.
I watched The Real Housewives of NYC the other day…(Pent-Housewives?)…it was just as irritating; and the woman with the Long Island is one of the tackiest pieces of shit ever. Tune in next week.
I love Long Island Jill. There, I’ve said it!
The comments for this one are going to be fun.
Also, I hate this show so much.
Yeah, it’s no “Tool Academy.”
These women are so cruel and spoiled, but I love some of those dresses they wear. Maybe I am partially respnsible for the downfall of America.
Me too, unfortunately.
And is there some sort of store in the OC that JUST sells those dresses with the big applique thing in the center? I don’t shop a ton, but I’ve never seen those in a store, ever.
and I forgot the “o”
I love watching this show. Love, love, love it. I am poor and they are rich, but I never talk smack about people the way they do, and I am friends with much more interesting people than they are because I look beyond the fake boobs and the bling.
EXACTLY. It makes me feel good about being poor!
Whee! I havent read this yet but I am excited that you posted about it. The Reunion show last night was gooooood. I already knew a few of those tidbits from this site: http://www.prettyontheoutside.com
If you’re a Housewives fan you’ll love it. His sketches specifically of Vicki are downright hilarious.
My girlfriend watches this show from time to time. I usually can’t stand more than 5 minutes of it. Those women are some of the most rude, obnoxious and down right mean people I have ever seen on TV and I want to choke them all out. The one that really sticks out in my mind is the one where one of the wives 24 year old sons was getting another of the wives drunk and trying to fuck her. How fucked up is that?
I don’t really have a show that I am ashamed of watching. I mean I watch house because there isn’t very much else on tv. But mostly I just watch reruns of Family Guy, M*A*S*H, and Saved by the Bell.
That episode is what inspired this post, although there is a rumor that the chick they got drunk (the one who had the sugar daddy who died) was cheating on him the entire time he was in the hospital.
I wouldn’t be surprized if she was cheating on him, I certainly hope that she didn’t get jack shit in his will, but unfortunately I am sure she got left a shit ton of money and she will be able to continue acting like a spoiled brat until it runs out and she has to find another sugar daddy.
Ya know one of the Atlanta housewives filed bankruptcy after her season was filmed.
I don’t think Lynne is that bad. Of course the only halfway sane (albeit a bit dense) and humane person would be the pothead!
Half of them are in foreclosure. Bad taste costs no less!
Oh and one last comment, this makes three doesnt it? Ha. Can you feeeeeel my excitement over this dumb show?
My older 35-year-old single, straight brother was the one who told me to start watching this show. Ha!
I’ll admit it, I’ve been a fan of the Real Housewives series from the start BUT, I had to stop watching Orange County half way through this season. I got sick of the backstabbing. Yes, they were overindulgent in the first few seasons, but this season seemed to be all about conflict (and I think some of that was made up). The original group of women were much more interesting and, once Vicki left this year, there wasn’t much left of interest.
To be honest, I couldn’t keep the two new bubble headed blondes straight, either.
RHWO Atlanta was a total disaster. I watched one episode and turned if off.
I have to say, I really enjoy the New York one. While they are all rich and in a part of society that I could never attain (nor would I want to), there are a couple that seem to at least have a soul (and a sense of humor).
But don’t get me started on Skeletor and her Australian husband (and their kid Francoise who is going to get beat up at school over his name on a daily basis).
how about redneck/white trash housewives — could be a series and incorporate country music -
Congrats Real Housewives, you have achieved something monumental. Something Laguna Beach, Newport Harbor, and the O.C. could not do. You have finally taken Richard Nixon place as worst thing to come from Orange County. Sure those other shows were as vapid and as empty as your, but you have lasting power. Sadly the same can not be said for your reading chair-esque leathery skin. As a native I do not know what pains me more? That these wastes of water, carbon and other trace minerals live here, or that I have watched? That is a very close call. I am sorry but the curiosity about the show being in Orange County dragged me in. Then these human grease fires of humanity hooked me. I am ashamed to have watched all of it expect for seeing Vicki get domed by a Coors Light Football at the intellectual hotbed that is Havasu. So thanks Bravo, I think you have cemented in the minds of millions that Orange County is a sun baked suburban wasteland. A land filled with out of touch with reality, bad cosmetic surgery having, inner lipped tattooing, crass consumer-istic, energy drink shilling, shiftless, raised truck having, irresponsible, shrill, Affliction wearing, bad jewelry making, cretins. So great job you boozy, backstabbing, bad parenting Cougars. Who, with just a couple of exceptions, I hope are eaten by carnies.
Note: Probably outside of the Phoenix/Scottsdale, the Orange County area has probably more Cougars than a BYU home game.
I apologize for this literary mess and also if it makes no sense. Now please excuse me, as a native I can only drown this shame by mocking the meth heads from the 909.
The Real Housewives vs Hitler? I love this post! Slackmistress you rawk! I also liked the suggestion of the WT/Redneck Housewives! That would be awesome. Thanks for making me laugh out loud, alone, with my pugs.
My Gfriend wants a ring but was just saying to a buddy this morning that I question our future purely because she watches this show (in addition to The Hills and The City). The second the show comes on I sprint for my iPod.
I think Kim’s wig from “The Real Housewives of Atlanta” should get its own post. That thing has seen so many horrific sights and sounds. cigarette burns, Kims singing, big papa’s member. I’m just sayin…
Real housewives = just typical rich yanks. You should see the bastards when they visit another country…loud, obnoxious & completely convinced of their own & their countries superiority.
Ever wondered why Yanks are loathed? Just listen to some rich Yank on holiday bemoaning that not every street corner doesn’t house a MacDonalds/Starbucks/Foot Locker/ GAP store, all the while extolling the virtues of their own country.
If it’s SO good, why don’t they just fuck off back home & never leave it?
watching the tv show on the big screen projection at the conference room sears law building 18 truman irvine. evening time open from 8 pm with permission from steven sears attorney irvine and the manager mike after the asset protection seminar searsatty. lots of food and drinks for the late night party people.