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2009 Oscar Awards Best and Worst Dressed

By: Bobby Finstock on 02/23/09 @ 5:29 am

Of course a day after the Academy Awards it is my duty to review the best and worst dressed celebrities from a “straight male that can’t dress himself “ perspective. Not wanting to make this format feel  repetitive decided to bring in another person to comment with me on the fashion mistakes of celebrities. I would like to introduce my co-commenter Adolph Hitler who phoned me directly from Hell to offer to do this with me.

AH: Nice to be here. I figured after Matt’s post on Friday it would be a perfect time to visit; really I can’t be any more offensive.  So I gave you a call to see if you would let me do this.
BF: Well you did ask very nicely to be a part of this.
AH: You think that was the first time I convinced people to do something they didn’t want to do? Anyway I do have to say I am a little disappointed Uwe Boll didn’t earn a nomination, we are big fans of his work here in Hell.


BF: First up we have Sarah Jessica Parker
AH: Is she a Jew?
BF: I have no idea, why does it matter?
AH: Just checking. It really impacts my grading system. I gave the dress a 7 and her face a 2.


Who is this fine looking young man? Can we get him a brown shirt?
BF: Zac Effron
AH: He just looks like he should be in one of my youth programs. What fine film did he star in?
BF: High School Musical 3.
AH: Perhaps I could interest him in a special shower?


BF: Kate Winslet is up next what do you think about her gown?
AH: Who cares about what she wore. I mean did you see that movie? There aren’t enough movies about nice Nazis; this is really something Hollywood needs to change. Plus she is naked for like half the movie, which really gets my little fascist dictator going. You know what her next character should be?
BF: I have no idea.
AH: Eva Braun, I could give her some pointers, perhaps earning a little casting couch action.


AH: Yikes what happened to this guy.
BF: It is Mickey Rourke.
AH: What is the deal with his tooth? I know where I can get a gold one for him.
BF: That is totally inappropriate.
AH: There is a reason why I am in Hell.


AH: What the hell is she wearing?
BF: I have no idea. I don’t even know what to say here. So I am going to toss it back over to you.
AH: Did you know I had syphilis?


AH: Got a quick question for you.
BF: Sure.
AH: Shouldn’t that tattoo be on the forearm, you know for cataloging purposes?
BF: Uh… no. We don’t do that. You know you did lose the war. In fact America has a black President.
AH: Now I know you are just fucking with me.


BF: Holy crap it is Phoebe Cates, that is not how I remember her.
AH: Do you know how many times I thought about yanking it to the pool scene from “Fast Times at Ridgemont High”? From the early 80s until like 1993 she was number on in my spank bank.
BF: What do you mean thinking about spanking it?
AH: It is the whole syphilis thing, kind of ruined everything down there. It is like a combination of that tree guy from Asia and Rocky Dennis’s face down there.
BF: No wonder why you are so angry.


BF: Finally we have director…
AH: Look at that fine fraulein, I’d like to break me off a piece of that.
BF: You know that is her husband, Jewish director Judd Apatow.
AH: I need more cyanide.  (click)
BF: That was insightful.

Well I would like to thank my special guest Hitler for joining me on this years fashion review of the Academy Awards.

So who watched it last night? What did you think?

About the author

Bobby Finstock

Finstock is founder of Pointlessbanter.net. He is known for his encyclopedia like knowledge on the life and times of Scott Baio. In the future he hopes to write again under his own name in order to impress the ladies and build his celebrity to the levels of other failed internet writers.

31 Responses to “2009 Oscar Awards Best and Worst Dressed”

  1. C says:

    I don’t even know what to say to this one. But I did possibly maybe laugh a little. See ya in hell.

  2. Catherine says:

    You are so going to Hell for this, I’ll see you there.. ;-)

  3. kate says:

    beyonce needs to shoot her stylist in the throat for dress

  4. Tori says:

    Yeah I didn’t watch but now I’ll have to go look at the rest of the pictures on People or something. I think Phoebe Cates is still pretty hot.

  5. Ian says:

    I think that it’s a bit too soon to be making jokes about the Jews. It will perhaps never be tasteful to do so.

  6. Jeremy says:

    Jokes a joke. It’s funny or it’s not based on it’s own merits. Congrats to Coach for keeping the posts even. No one is safe. Plus I think Adolf came off as kinda funny. Bet he’s been working on some of those lines for years. PS I think Sarah Jessica Parker is my only fantasy that I make wear a paper bag on her head.

  7. Vince says:

    I had no idea that Hitler was so into fashion, I see a Joan Rivers/Adolf Hitler Red carpet show in the near future.

  8. Erin Happycamper says:


  9. Meghan says:

    I think these are all fair reviews.

    Calling in Hitler is a pretty slick move…especially since history reports him being half a fag himself. Who better to help you judge fashion…what?

  10. Mike Garvey says:

    I thought it was pretty clever to call in Hitler to make all the inappropriate jokes for you. Althought I thought you could have handled the Sarah Jessica Parker face joke yourself without any backlash.

    She is the perfect argument for burkas in America.

  11. Mark says:

    Interesting fashion commentary…Is it just me or Sarah Jessica Parker have a shelf going on?

  12. Jenni says:

    i laughed really loud at the sarah jessica parker one, then felt bad because i love her!

  13. mhg says:

    i dont want my cousin to the marines

  14. em says:

    wow. u r just plain rude.

  15. You’d think that Adolf would have at least liked the uniforms that the waiters wore at the Governor’s Ball. What do they wear in hell?

  16. cio says:

    what did you think of freida pinto?

  17. Wow. This post is going to get one of my first awards. This gives the Oscars their proper perspective.

  18. mistaken/debbie says:

    Beyonce’s dress reminds me of a vase or a lamp w/o the shade. That suckedddddddddd. Or maybe she was suppose to look like someone’s trophy. yuk

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