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Great Lies That Women Have Told Me: Lockjaw

By: Bobby Finstock on 02/18/09 @ 7:29 am

Time to revisit the series Great Lies That Women Have Told Me. Well I don’t know if I could call this a series considering I wrote the first installment over two years ago but whatever just go with me on this.

Today I cover the topic of lockjaw. Now the idea of lockjaw was first given to me from a girlfriend that wasn’t a big fan of oral sex. Wait let me rephrase that. She wasn’t a big fan of giving oral sex but she sure as hell loved to receive it. Without getting too much into personal details here unless you have a good skill set or I am extremely worked up it is going to take awhile to um… make things go boom. (Is that the best way to phrase it?)

On one such evening with someone with not a strong skill set they stopped and said that they couldn’t go on any longer because of the risk of lockjaw. She went on to tell me a story about getting lockjaw when she was little for some reason. Of course I didn’t want to risk my girlfriend any pain or suffering so we stopped the act and I pretty much never asked for it from her ever again because being the nice sensitive guy I am I didn’t want her to end up in the hospital.

He said he was close.

He said he was close.

I know this is kind of shocking that I didn’t say something to the effect, “Keep going I will take you the emergency room if anything bad happens.”

A year or two went by. My girlfriend and I had gone our separate ways. I had started dating another girl that was actually a biology major and we talked about the other girl. She laughed and stated, “I have TMJ and I never had that happen to me. She was lying to you because she didn’t want to do it. Lockjaw is actually a bacterial infection that people get from like horse manure. It is tetanus.”

One again I was deceived by a woman. It wasn’t the first time or the last.

Next up: “You didn’t ask me that question specifically.” Dating a girl that doesn’t exactly lie but doesn’t tell the truth. Playing the semantics game.

What are some of the lies you have been told by the opposite sex?

About the author

Bobby Finstock

Finstock is founder of Pointlessbanter.net. He is known for his encyclopedia like knowledge on the life and times of Scott Baio. In the future he hopes to write again under his own name in order to impress the ladies and build his celebrity to the levels of other failed internet writers.

21 Responses to “Great Lies That Women Have Told Me: Lockjaw”

  1. Robot Monkey says:

    “It’s a good size” or “Don’t worry, after we’re married, I’ll wear the stockings and garter anytime.”

  2. cigar smoking, beer drinking lawyer says:

    I really dont want a serious relationship either. I am wild and like to try new things. And the best – I like your family. (of course they didnt like her either)

  3. Charlotte says:

    “I don’t know why my credit card declined, I’ll call you right back with another one.”
    Re: ….make things go boom. C’mon, Finstock! For the future… sneeze out the cock snot, pump out the penis pudding or shoot out the sticky ball bullets!
    You’re welcome. :)

  4. Tori says:

    Yeah that’s retarded. I have really bad tmj, and it starts to hurt after a little while, but lockjaw? Seriously. Then again, I never want oral sex to be the main event, for me or the guy.

    I think the biggest lie a guy ever told me was “I’m not ready for a commitment,” right before he dumped me and was immediately and very publicly in a commited relationship. It’s like, just say “I’m not ready for a commitment with YOU.” That’s fine, but don’t lie.

  5. Meghan says:

    This is too funny…lockjaw is serious…almost as serious as faking it!

    I told a guy once I couldnt get there because I had masturbated too much that week…not because he had junk like a #2 pencil.

  6. kate says:

    you actually fell for that? you should have donkey punched her lmao!

  7. Marcie says:

    ive used the lock jaw excuse, cant lie lol

  8. E says:

    I don’t think people should lie about blow jobs. It seems wrong. If your mouth gets tired, either get better at it, or move onto another event.

  9. How about “I’ve only slept with 2 other guys”, when in reality, that was in the past week and their ‘team photo’ really looks like a Varsity football squads.

  10. Carrie says:

    I actually have TMJ too and I don’t really know about lockjaw. It just makes it hurt after a while. So…if you’re a good girlfriend and can’t keep going down…just jump on top and finish him off lol.

  11. I like the one that goes something like this… I don’t masturbate that often. Yeah right, a guy saying that seems questionable most of the time unless you are with me because I like to have sex alot!

  12. Wonder Bitch! says:

    I remember your first “Great lies that women have told me.” I did a counter-point that was quite popular among the women, “Great lies that men have told me: I’ll get blue balls.” Good times.

    I also have TMJ. The only time it’s just unbearable is when I have been to the dentist and have had my mouth pried open for hours.

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