Good Ol’ Dr. Ruth

A friend of mine pointed an article out for me to read. It was about having better sex. Apparently, it has come to my friends’ attentions that I am a complete and utter hornball that will stop at nothing in my smarmy daily routine of watching fat toothless women in Disney halter tops fall on ice patches in parking lots to let the little, uhhh…”smaller” head do some thinking.

Mazel…good things.

Oh, the article is written by Dr. Ruth Westheimer, that little funny old lady who at the ripe old age of 89 waaay back in 1987, was popular because she might have used the term “penis” on the air once and that made her a credible source on topics such as “sex” and “oral stimulation”. Blech.

Two things immediately came to mind during and after this voracious beast of an article.

1. How the hell is Dr. Ruth still relevant? She’s 137 years old, for craps’ sake. The only way she can have any sex is if she makes sure her plastic on her couch is spotless and it has to be before JAG comes on the rabbit eared Magnavox, not to mention you’ll need about a gallon of Astroglide warmed up ahead of time to…you know what, enough visuals of Dr. Ruth’s crunchy old clam.

The sad thing is that while at one point when this country was going through sexual puberty and things started becoming more acceptable to say, Dr. Ruth was relevant. Sadly, though, in 2009 most 12 year olds now know more than she does and could teach all of us a thing or two about such sexual topics as the Alabama Hot Pocket or the Alaskan Pipeline. Which is why…

2. This is the single most obvious thing about sex to write about. Hmm…let’s see, if a man loses weight, he will be able to have much more pleasuable sex. Let me file this one under, “Things that even a retarded stem cell would know.” No shit, Ruth. It is a well known fact that if a guy is so fat that he becomes winded tying his shoelace and hasn’t seen his cock and balls without the help of a mirror and a forklift in over a decade, odds are his sex not only is not pleasurable, its non-existent. Fat cells clog arteries which equals no boner. Fat cells create fucking fat, which would get in the way of putting Sergeant Stiffy in anything other than a dirty sock. Finally, fat cells make Estrogen which not only creates man-tits, in turn who really wants to get a pounding from this dead sexy man.

But did you also know that fat cells create estrogen also and that, well, I can’t believe this, lowers sex drive? What the hell? Women don’t like having sex as much as men? Goddamn it, I quit.

The article should have just come out and said, “Hey! Small Planet! Get off your ass, do a lap around the block, lose the weight otherwise the next time you’ll get pussy is around the time you trick your cat into eating Fancy Feast our of your third roll north of your balls.”

I think my point is made.

Any other “no shit” news to report?