Once again another round of horribly stupid questions from Parade Magazine. As always these are real questions and the people that are asking them are probably your idiot neighbors.
Q) Seeing Meryl Streep sing, dance, and act in Mamma Mia! made me wonder: Is she the last of the triple threats?–Eric Lachance, Jupiter, Fla.
A) This might be the single worst question they have ever used. This would infer that Meryl Streep is the last performer that sings, dances, and acts. Of course this is minus half the cast of Chicago or Moulin Rouge or whatever crappy musical you want to throw out there. Also we need to forget anyone that might make it big off of Broadway. Look I know Mama Mia! just came out on DVD and Parade is probably getting paid a boatload to promote it but they could have went with a better question like, “Do you think Meryl Streep cries herself to sleep knowing she was in Mama Mia!?”
Q) Does O.J. Simpson still receive his NFL pension now that he’s in prison?–Barbara Young, Miamisburg, Ohio
A) I am going to play this one straight because I was shocked by the answer. OJ makes up to 15-60,000 a MONTH in prison because of his various pension plans from acting and playing sports. Yup that is right he makes more than probably 95% of the people that read this blog make in a year in one month.
You make commence vomiting on yourself now.
Q) What’s the significance of the red rubber bracelet Eva Longoria Parker wears?–Colleen Senf, Jamison, Pa.
A) Hello the Steven Colbert wrist strong campaign…. Oh wait… it has something to do with Latin Women’s Breast Cancer. Well that isn’t as fun. I am sticking to the Colbert story.
Q) The seven Osmonds just gave a farewell concert, but with all of their descendants, won’t a new generation carry on?–Cindy Hargis, Brownstown, Mich.
A) You know I have been watching the show Big Love for a lot of years now and actually lived in a community in Southern California that had a lot of Mormons so I kind of consider myself an expert on them and their religion. The Osmonds will be around for a while because people keep forgetting about the three rules you need to follow when dealing with Mormons.
1. Keep them away from water. If you get them wet they have a shit ton of kids.
2. They hate bright light. They super large teeth and magic underwear reflects the light so they try and avoid it.
3. The most important rule. No matter how much they cry, no matter how much they beg, never, never feed them after midnight. If you do they will take on another wife and the odds are she will be underage.
You see if we followed these rules when dealing with the Osmonds they would be long gone by now.
Q) Of the contestants on America’s Got Talent, who’s been the biggest success?–Giselle Brabb, Rocklin, Calif.
A) Really the big winners are anyone who has never watched the show. Based off that criteria I consider myself a huge success.
Does anyone care about a single person they asked a question about this week?