Crap Women Don’t Want For Valentine’s Day
If you’re someone who buys stock in the once-a-year-blowjob economy, then you know that this Saturday is Valentine’s Day.
I hate Valentine’s Day.
I’ve always hated Valentine’s Day, whether I was single or otherwise coupled. I recently found myself in a greeting card store purchasing a wedding card for a friend of mine when I passed the Valentine’s Day display, which looked like they split Cupid open and shook his red heart-shaped entrails all over the place.
I realize that I’m not the typical female in some ways. When I say I don’t want to celebrate Valentine’s Day don’t buy me anything to my husband, what I mean is don’t buy me anything for Valentine’s Day.
I don’t mean when I say don’t buy me anything I mean don’t buy me anything typical, so I am expecting a hot air balloon ride followed by dinner at that restaurant where we will feast on baby panda, and then maybe, just maybe I’ll let you touch my boobs, and if you don’t I will sulk and withhold sex for an undetermined amount of time until you ask what’s wrong but I’ll say nothing’s wrong because you should just know.
Don’t get me wrong – I love presents, and I even love days that people are obligated to buy me presents (my birthday is October 8, for anyone who’s wondering.) But Valentine’s Day is the fire sale of holidays, where unoriginality is rewarded.
Will and I have already had the talk: screw Valentine’s Day. However, for you guys who do choose to celebrate (and if you do, I hope you celebrate Steak and Blowjob Day, too!), I’ve compiled a list of Crap Women Don’t Want for Valentine’s Day.
The Vermont Teddy Bear
The Love Bandit will set you back $69.95 (ahem) and isn’t wearing pants.
Is your girlfriend in the seventh grade? Wait, don't answer that.
The last time a grown man gave her a pantless stuffed animal and used the phrase “Love Bandit” she ended up having to testify in open court. And don’t believe the commercials, guys.
Anyone that excited over a teddy bear is probably a closet furry.
Flowers
I’ll admit it: I love flowers. (I may not be a typical female, but I still do possess a vagina.) However, would you go to a restaurant advertising their best meal at double the price for half the portion? ‘Cause that’s what you’re getting on Valentine’s Day, my friends.
And I’ll let you in on a dirty little secret: women like to get flowers at the office to make their female co-workers jealous. You’re not getting them for your girlfriend, you’re getting them for Janice in Accounting. However, if you want to bang Janice in Accounting, this might be a good way to open that door. (But it also makes you a scumbag.)
Lingerie
A lot of women – myself included – love the idea of lingerie. But most guys have zero idea how to shop for it. Cheap lingerie is scratchy – imagine wearing a jockstrap made of sandpaper – it doesn’t exactly get you in the mood. The fit has to be exactly right for a lot of lingerie to look good, unless you’re a Victoria’s Secret Model. If you’re reading this, you’re not dating a Victoria’s Secret Model. And even on the off chance that you are, it’s like getting her a work uniform for a gift.
Hot? Yes. Your girlfriend? No.
(The same goes for nurses, catholic schoolgirls, and nuns.)
Candy
If you’re going to get her candy, get her good candy. But be prepared for her to bitch you out that by you getting her a box of candy she had to eat a box of candy and now she’s fat and no one will ever want to have sex with her again and if you loved her you’d know that but you are clearly blind.
But if she really likes candy, get it on February 15th. Then you can get her twice as much candy for the same price. That’s love.
Herpes
Imagine the Vermont Teddy Bear commercial. Now substitute this adorable herpes doll.
Awww, it's herpes!
The true secret to gift giving can be unlocked with these three little words:
Listen. Remember. Buy.
And with those three little words, every day can be Valentine’s Day.
(Which means every day can be Steak and Blowjob Day. You dig?)
Do you celebrate Valentine’s Day? What’s the worst present you’ve given or gotten?
Don’t forget to enter the contest to win a $350 gift card to Patagonia. The competition isn’t that stiff, one person has entered.
Many years ago when I was a single lad and Star Wars still held a special spot of nostalgia for me (they were rereleasing the original films at the theater), a group of friends and myself engaged in an Anti-Valentine’s Day Celebration. About 10 or so of us (males and females) went to dinner, a movie and various bars to finish up with getting our “drunk”. All of us were single, no couples invited. Had a blast, made fun of other folks obviously celebrating the holiday (the cheesier, the better) and everybody got a gay codename (mine was Ramon daCock). One of the funniest nights I ever had. And I even got to end it with a round of drunken sex, though counter to the gay code thing, it was with one of my female friends. We did both use our fake names, though.
That is awesome. I always wanted to have sex with someone named Ramon daCock.
It’s something both sexes reach for…quite literally sometimes.
Ramon, I think she was hitting on you…
My jock strap hadn’t been washed in months because we were winning and the flies were lucky. However, it was like sandpaper, so I see your point…I guess.
I’m a true romantic, eh?
Nothing says romance like a dirty jockstrap.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again…this is the first Valentines Day I have been single in about 5 years. So as the record stands, I will NOT be getting a crappy and contrived red/white/pink monstrosity of a gift or a bouquet of flowers that remind me of concentrated old lady perfume in a Nursing Home.
That, while I did something like stay up all night making ridiculous heart shaped cookies for him. I’m so not going to miss it. I should enter the contest, my Valentines Day this year is going to be pretty interesting. Should I remember it the next day.
I will admit to making a nice dinner, although I like to cook. And I needed an excuse to make bacon wrapped cheese.
This guy has been asking me out for like, 2 years and I keep telling him no (he keeps asking me out when I’m in a relationship and/or juuuust out of one). So I finally told him yes 2 weeks ago and he stood me up. Three times in two days. With no explanation (except once when he said “I fell asleep bored.” After the last time, I told him to lose my number and didn’t hear another word for a week. He’s been texting me again saying he’s sorry and trying to get me to go out again, so I finally said he can come out on Saturday with me and all my friends.
I’m pretending not to know what Saturday is though, and he’s acting all awkward and trying to get out of it by making plans another night. I really just want him to admit why he doesn’t want to go so I can relentlessly mock him for taking a fake holiday so seriously. I’m mean.
Wait, he’s blown you off twice? I think you make him jump through hoops then you blow him off. It’s what I’d do. Well, if I wasn’t lazy. And married.
That’s kind of what I’m tempted to do. I’m just not convinced that he wouldn’t like the abuse.
This post had me laughin out loud.
VD is just a Hallmark holiday (or an std), ugh gross.
I’m seeing this new guy and I’m wondering if he’ll try to do anything. I hope not. In an actual hope not, not just say hope not but secretly hope so kind of way.
Oh, but herpes is really cute! I’d take that. Hey Finstock, come on over
You can also buy chlamydia in stuffed form too!
Should make those as charms for bracelets. Gift giving ideas all taken care of!
Well what the fuck am I supposed to do with this balloon and dead panda then? DO YOU KNOW HOW FUCKING HARD IT IS TO CATCH A PANDA? I got banned from the zoo forever!
Yeah, but it reheats well so you can bring it to work for the next week.
That’s why I have turned Valentine’s day into Halloween II, it is scary but everybody gets some
Good Times! The post and the replies are all excellent!
I think I would rather observer February 15th as “Steak and Blowjob Day”!!
My guy was honestly on the road to the Vermont Teddy Bear until my daughter cut him off at the pass and reminded him that the last one he bought ended up in our sons bed and is now UNDER his bed.
I’ve never cared for chocolate and this year was sent to pick out my own jewelry. (nice!)I love that they stuff you full of chocolate, so you look like a Vermont Bear, and then want you to wear lingerie.
The worst gift I ever got? A reusable lighter. With the Marine Corp/eagle symbol on it. yeah. The guy was a real winner!
I’m with you sister! I don;t want a fcuking stuffed animal, and ifyour gona get me something stupid at least make it something that hurts when I throw it at you! Flowers are flowers, what can you say they die and I am the one who has to clean up all the dried flower parts littering the room. It’s not Halloween and I don’t do candy. Jeus christ eat my kittly for longer than 10 minutes and I will happy! You can even mumble out a “happy valentines day” if you really need to feel like your contributing to the hallmark made holiday!
I guess the most memorable Valentine’s Day was the one my senior year in college when I got engaged. I’m not very romantic though and was kind of giving him that day to propose as I’d stopped him from doing it the previous December. I hinted fairly blatantly in a card that it was now okay. He knew better than to do it at the restaurant we went to, so it was when we got home around 11:59pm! I prefer to celebrate our wedding anniversary, which is also in February. I don’t complain if I get roses, as I rarely get flowers, but only if they are the cheap ($10) ones from Trader Joe’s.
I once received a CACTUS in a SNOOPY ceramic, from a grocery store, at the 23rd hour. (No we were not in high school, I did not love snoopy and yes, he was employed.) Out of resentment, at first I neglected it and watched it slowly die, but eventually gave it to HIS MOTHER.
So add that to the list of crap no girlfriend ever wants.
I’ve only been sent flowers on Valentines Day twice. The first time was my first “real” boyfriend in high school. He sent six roses to my house (white ones, so it wasn’t totally cheesy and I was 15) and I loved them. I also got grounded because my mom decided the only reason a guy would send me flowers is if I was putting out. Nice right?
The second time was a douche that I dated a few years ago. He was such a walking cliche that I really expected it although I made “joyful sounds” into the phone like a good girl.
I’m not into this holiday at all but my boyfriend is for some reason, so we’ll probably do what we did last year, trade cards, he’ll cook dinner and I’ll take him out afterwards and get him drunk.
I notice that wine wasn’t on your “No” list.
it’s a totally a made up holiday. as cheesy and stupid this is going to sound, I let my wife know I love her every day. (really)
but I don’t let a VD go by without getting her chocoalate especially if it conicides with the week before aunt flo. (I know, eiw, sorry)
you’re wrong, dude. candy – good, expensive candy, godiva, has always been appreciated.
That’s why I say “if you’re gonna get her candy, get her good candy.” The Russell Stover heart at the drugstore? Notsomuch.
Shit you not – friend of mine gave me the Russell Stover heart last night because he knows my feelings on the holiday. So he showed up with a dozen red roses and the candy to be as cliche as humanly possible. I bit all the candy and left them in the box.
A vacuum cleaner. Or a mop. That’s what chicks want on VD. Trust me on this one.
I havent celebrated the holiday. something always has came up and I dont give it a thought. this year ill be in Mass, 2 hours from home. the year before that..jail…the year before that HE is in jail it goes on for many of years.
oh sweet, hockey fight dvds didn’t make the list this year… looks like i know a special lady that will be enjoying 1 hour and 45 minutes of hell on ice
This is the conversation I had with my mom yesterday:
Mom: “Does chocolate bother your stomach?”
Me: “Yes. I can have very, very little chocolate.”
Today, this is what my step-dad greets me with at my door:
Step-dad: “Mom & I got you this box of chocolates. Happy Valentine’s Day.”
Not only is that Vermont Teddy Bear creepy, but it looks like someone took his head and twisted it around backwards. At least it looks like his head is directly over his ass.
I found your blog on Google and read a few of your other posts. I just added you to my Bacon News Reader. Keep up the good work. Look forward to reading more from you in the future.