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6 Guys You Shouldn’t Date… Yahoo Lies Yet Again

By: Bobby Finstock on 02/11/09 @ 9:29 am

Yahoo and Glamour magazine teamed up to write an article about the six guys you shouldn’t date. Once again they totally missed the mark with their assessment. This isn’t the first time I have caught Yahoo lying about relationships: Ladies Don’t Listen to Yahoo For Relationship Advice (the blog where I got taken to task for making a slutty single mom joke)

Here are the six guys that they have listed:

1. Rebound Guy- Desperate
2. Disappearing Guy- Cheater
3. Slick Guy- Jerk
4. Rude Guy- Bigger Jerk
5. Grabby Guy- Rapist
6. Last Year’s Guy- Oh snap, you don’t need to go back to that trash

I love that in the end they get to throw in that self help bullshit about not returning to an ex. They gave five examples and then the final one is a “you go girl” moment. Because nothing says pick yourself up off the ground like slamming an ex-boyfriend and telling you to stay away from them.  Anyway I think this is a heaping pile of crap. There are so many worse types of guys than this that women need to avoid.

I talk about myself in the third person guy- Anybody that talks about themselves in the third person is automatically a jerk. Except if they are a professional athlete or rapper then they are just a jerk with a boatload of money. Really the last thing you want is some guy on top of you saying, “Tony thinks you are hot. Tony is totally about to fill you up with Tony’s special baby batter.”

“I indentify with Buffalo Bill” guy- When talking about the movie the Silence of the Lambs you can use the character Buffalo Bill as a litmus test you need to get up and run if he says anything like, “I kind of identify with Buffalo Bill.” That is the one character in any movie that you are only able to make fun of and feel no empathy for. Just because of this:

(Note the last 4 second is really NSFW and will probably emotionally scar you.)

You should be extra concerned if you are overweight because he is probably planning on making a dress out of your skin.

I brag about how much I read guy- I guess a couple of women out there want to date an intelligent guy. But when a guy crosses the line from being intelligent to showing off that they read a lot they are a fish you need to throw back into the sea. If they routinely quote books or start sentences off with, “I read this in a book one time” you need to run. This is a sign of a know it all and they will make the rest of your life hell.

“Dear… According to this one book I read you shouldn’t have the chicken in longer than 17 and a half minutes.”
“Honey, I read in a Kinsey book that you should be twisting counter clockwise.”
“Babe  I read on time that when you aim a gun at someone you should aim towards their chest cavi….”


Anyone that appreciate the work of Ashton Kutcher- The other day I was in line at an ATM and a guy was talking to a coworker about how he always tried to make it home to watch That 70s Show on FX. They were commenting on how funny it was and that they always catch the reruns. I decided that as soon as those words came out of their mouths I was a better human being than them. I pray that they don’t breed. Reruns of that show should never be appointment viewing. I get enjoying it every once and awhile but making an effort to watching anything with Ashton Kutcher in it proves that you are either a sociopath or an idiot.

Anyone that is constantly planning for the Rapture- Anyone that is planning for the end of days is kind of a constant bummer. The last thing you want is a guy that is basically telling you that all your friends and family are going to die a painful and horrible death because they do not believe the same thing that he does.

You: I really like Jenny she is such a sweet friend. That was really nice of her to bring over this basket of muffins.
Him: Too bad that she is going to be covered in bees and screaming in pain in the year 2012 because she is a non-believer. Oh I want an apple cinnamon one.

What other guys should they have added to the list?

Don’t forget to enter the contest to win a $350 gift card to Patagonia. The competition isn’t that stiff, one person has entered.

About the author

Bobby Finstock

Finstock is founder of Pointlessbanter.net. He is known for his encyclopedia like knowledge on the life and times of Scott Baio. In the future he hopes to write again under his own name in order to impress the ladies and build his celebrity to the levels of other failed internet writers.

33 Responses to “6 Guys You Shouldn’t Date… Yahoo Lies Yet Again”

  1. Charlotte says:

    C’mon, you know you’d like to see Ashton Kutcher do Buffalo Bill.

    • I just threw up inside my mouth thinking about him tucking it and dancing.

      • I have a friend who is convinced that every guy at some point in his life has tucked and danced. Can’t you do some sort of poll?

        • First I am going to plead the fifth.

          Second I think we should do that.

          • LightGrenades says:

            lol, I just got “i tucked my penis” stuck in my head to the tune of “i shot the sheriff”. Bob’s spinning in his grave.

            I don’t know who NOT to date, but I can tell you ladies who you SHOULD date.

            Fat guys.

            The kind of low self esteemed fat guys who are always planning to lose weight. If you can get over the heavy breathing and inordinate amount of sweat, fat guys’ll treat you like a fucking princess because they’re so happy to have a girlfriend.

            Call me.

          • Tori says:

            I always date fat guys who are planning on losing weight. Well, not fat. Chubby is a better term. But they are the best.

  2. Meghan says:

    A little different from 3rd person guy, but the guys who talks about ME – like he’s in MY head in the first person…a way to hide behind failed humor because he has some Chandler Bing complex and the nerves of a abused cocker spaniel.

    Him: “Did you have fun?”
    Me: “Ye-”
    Him: “I know, you’re probably like ‘Is this guy REALLY asking me if I had fun? Should I tell him the truth or lie to him and then escape when he goes to use the bathroom?!’ I mean, ya know, ha!”
    Me: “I wasn’t thinking – ”
    Him: “You’re like ‘I can’t wait to get home and call all my friends and warn him about this guy!’ Ya know, like right?! Ha!”
    Me: “Yeah, I’m kinda thinking that now.”

    • Sometimes don’t you wish that it was perfectly legal to punch someone in the nose.

      • Meghan says:

        Yes, but then I’d have to deal with the following such response as I chase down a cab…

        Him: “Geez, that was something, right on the nose! Boy! That probably felt good, like ‘Man I’ve been wanting to punch this guy all night. I hope his nose is as broken as his spirit because his mother didn’t breast feed enough or go to his 5th grade Christmas Pageant!’ Ya know what I mean?”

        Maybe the cab could just run him over.

    • Way to throw me under the bus, Meghan. That’s the last time I do anything nice for you, like call you at 12 midnight intoxicated while I take pictures of my name written in snow with my piss.


  3. PsYcHo BiTcH says:


  4. Tori says:

    Oh man, I totally brought book guy to a Halloween party. Kind of had a feeling he was going to be a douche because he was ALL ABOUT how intellectual he is. And sure enough, he alienated all of my friends within about 10 minutes by referencing some 4th century Jewish philosopher or something else equally obscure. Thank god he drove separately. The only person who liked him was my friend’s roommate because she’s an asshole like that too.

  5. Vince says:

    People make appointments to watch that 70’s show? That is ridiculous.

    While I am not a fan of really any of his work Kutcher probably isn’t that bad of a guy. Now if you are a guy that thinks Wilmer Valdarrama(Fez) is the greatest thing since sliced bread then you deserve to be beaten and are never to have sex with a woman ever again.

  6. Meghan says:

    Also went on a 1st date with a guy who wanted to do Candlepin Bowling. He beat me the 1st game, and was pretty smug about it, so when I kicked his ass in the 2nd he decided to give up our lane and go pout in his beer until we left.

    Later that night, after I awkwardly got out of his car at my apt, he almost immediately texted me ‘How come you didn’t tell me you were a good bowler?’

  7. Alejandro says:

    “Anyone that is constantly planning for the Rapture-”
    Bobby, that would included all of the catholics, since they believe that non believer will go to hell :)
    You can add lots of other religions in the bag.

    My advice for you woman, just date them all, its just like if you put 20 monkeys in a room with typewriters, they will eventually write a best seller:)

  8. Hoeanna says:

    Where can I find me a #5???

  9. Jeremy says:

    As close as this comes to home. Girls should watch out for anyone that knows more than a dozen terms from urban dictionary by heart. I love the site but it just seems like a set up for a first date Strawberry shortcake.

  10. Guys who call you kitten on the first date.

  11. Kat says:

    I like to avoid guys that engage in sex acts that involve pudding :)

  12. Robot Monkey says:

    Any guy that can hold a conversation about any reality show or “Sex In The City”. His man-gina is showing and will probably be out of the closet by the 2nd or 3rd date. But hey, at least now you’ve got that gay friend, so your pretty cosmopolitan now.

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