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The ingredients to turn me into a weepy wreck

By: Bobby Finstock on 02/6/09 @ 6:41 am

Living alone and working at home has given me a lot of solitary time to myself. It allows me to ponder my existence. Ask the important questions. Do a little self-inspection. (Not the searching for testicular cancer kind but I do that as well.)

A few months ago I was watching something on the news and just started crying. It wasn’t one of those “I have issues and this triggered it” type of cry. Nor was it an “I am lonely” cry.  There was something on that truly emotionally touched me. (I would like to say that yes… my vagina is shaved.)


Like me but he isn't as pretty

Ever since then every 4-6 weeks something kind of hits me the wrong/right way and I turn into a weepy wreck. Of course being the documenter of pop culture and society I kept a little note each time I broke down which revealed a pattern to me. So what triggered these events? Murder? Boring. Genocide? Meh. Old people? Nah. Horrible human suffering? Pass the Cheetos.

There are two reoccurring themes that make we cry like someone shot a nail through my foot.

1) Anything with retarded people overcoming something.

There is something that just destroys me about some kid that doesn’t know any better. The kid that has this plucky spirit and overcomes so much to do something we take for granted. I swear it could be some story on Good Morning America about Johnny the retarded kid with one arm that finally learned to wipe his ass after 7 years of crapping himself and I would cry for a good ten minutes. While I am slobbering to myself I will recount the story and just keep repeating, “He doesn’t have to use his hand anymore.”

2) Anything with children getting abandoned or being mistreated.

I should be clear about this. It isn’t like sexual abuse or something truly horrible. It is more like kids losing out on their family or being mistreated by society in general. (Wedgies and purple nurples don’t count.) I just watched this horrible heaping pile of shit called “The Martian Child”. I never have heard about the movie but John Cusack was in it so it made it watchable. Well anyway this kids is adopted, thinks he is from Mars, has all these abandonment issues because he was given up for adoption. So we get towards the end and he thinks that he is going to be taken away from his adoptive father played by Cusack and then his dog died… And I just lost it like a large black man raped me in my prison cell. I actually had to get tissues and blow my nose, wipe the tears away, and turn it to college basketball to regain my cool.

Go ahead… call me a pussy. Ask me if I have a vagina. I am not ashamed.

Now I am going to go watch Lifetime and paint my nails.

What is something that just triggers you to cry? (Please no horrible psychotherapy issues like, “Father’s Day reminds that time that….”)

About the author

Bobby Finstock

Finstock is founder of Pointlessbanter.net. He is known for his encyclopedia like knowledge on the life and times of Scott Baio. In the future he hopes to write again under his own name in order to impress the ladies and build his celebrity to the levels of other failed internet writers.

30 Responses to “The ingredients to turn me into a weepy wreck”

  1. Thanks for this! Hysterical.

    I don’t cry like I used to anymore, but what the hell is with these damned ASPCA commercials being aired with the pre-euthanized puppies looking up at the camera all doey-eyed as Sarah Mclachlan’s “Arms Of the Angel” plays in the background???? They make me want to take up cutting myself.

  2. Martin says:

    the ads from http://www.nspcc.org.uk/ and my dad’s funeral got me really sad but nothing else. think last time saw tears from my eyes was, 25 years ago. Don’t cry anymore, crying is for pussies and women.

  3. Kimmer says:

    You should come to work with me for ONE day; just one day-that’s all i ask…..and that video….it’s wrong on so many levels!

  4. Tits McGee says:

    Wait until we have kids…I mean you have kids…you’ll really get emotional when seeing that kind of shit.

    • I heard your vagina was filled with cement to protect the world.

      • LightGrenade says:

        Man that was fucking funny. I’ve got a couple though.

        1. Someone shooting a nail through my foot. That shit sucks.
        2. The ending of Terminator 2, where John Connor is all like “No, I order you not to go!” and Terminators all like “fuck that, kid” *thumbs up*. Tears every time man.

        • The entirety of Terminator 3 made me cry.

          • LightGrenade says:

            Tears of disappointment, tears of anger. Tears of laughter at Arnie getting smacked into on office building whilst dangling from a truck. I’ve got my fingers crossed for the next one, but I bought some good tissue just in case.

      • Tits McGee says:

        Protect the world from your offspring?

        Ya know, the way you convey your love for me is quite a strange one, my man.

  5. Darcie says:

    I half read this, thought it was the dumbest post you’ve ever written, then I went to the bathroom and some chick was bawling in one of the stalls and I totally thought of you.

    • The sad thing is I got two e-mails today saying that it was really funny… Shit I guess you can’t when them all.

      Why did you sneak into the women’s room?

  6. E says:

    It’s cheesy, but anything with singing and dancing where there wouldn’t ordinarily be singing and dancing makes me cry. I don’t know how to explain that one. I’m probably the only idiot who ever cried at the end of “School of Rock” though.

  7. Dogs. Dogs always make me cry. Sometimes old people. Kids are on their own.

    Also, if this is triggered every four to six weeks, it just means you get weepy around your period.

  8. Vince says:

    I can relate to this. I teared up recently when watching a sportscenter story on the mentally disabled kid that was the team manager for his high school basketball team and how all the kids on the team got him into the last game of the season. He gets in the game and makes a billion 3 point shots. It was nice to see the kid do so well and all the support that they gave him.

  9. Meghan says:

    This whole post makes me pull a laughing kinda cry. Which is worse, by the way. (That’s so sad, why am I laughing??)

    Youve now got me thinking about retards crossing finish lines, mistreated babies and thanks to the comment above, puppies getting thrown in the gas chamber.

    Happy Friday, sniff.

  10. Atenea says:

    Anything with parent/child bonding moments makes me cry. Like that Rice Krispies commercial with the “Somewhere over the rainbow” song being hummed in the background. I cry like a baby. Don’t know why.

  11. Melissa says:

    *sighs* You are such a wimp Finstock. I must be an atypical chick. Chick-flicks don’t make me cry, the put me to sleep. I don’t get teared up at any of that crap, if anything I get annoyed at it taking up my time when I could be watching (or downloading) good porn. Mostly stuff that gets normal women weepy pisses me off. No wonder my husband and I get along so well. Maybe that is the true secret to a good, long-lasting marriage sharing the same emotional reactions to stuff. But he gets all wussy-weepy during Old Yeller, the sap. WTF is it with guys and dogs?

  12. C says:

    I totally didn’t expect to, but I cried at Obama’s inauguration.

    Now I can stop telling people I’m Canadian ;)

    • C says:

      Oh, and lost-love kind of movies. Brokeback Mountain makes me bawl. It’s embarrassing, don’t tell anyone.

  13. Hoeanna says:

    Since mother 3 offspring and getting clued in to just exactly what raising kids entails, I know laugh hystericaly when I see kids abandoned or neglected because I totaly get it now. Is that just me?? Oh and tards are the funniest! I am a huge advocate for the tards…hire the handicapped they are fun to watch AND you get a tax break!

  14. Jessica says:

    Music. I don’t know what it is, but shit like Carrie Underwood’s “Don’t Forget to Remember Me” always makes me tear up. Also, anything about losing a dad – even though mine is still alive, just visiting the hospital often – and I lose it.

    The strangest part is that this happens once a month, like clockwork. I claim female as an excuse, as well as a crappy childhood.

  15. Alejandro says:

    i can say, i think i only cryed (with no sound) once in my lifetime, when i was getting a bone marrow biopsy like 10 years ago.

  16. Yeah I am looking forward to that as well.

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