Strange Screw
Slackmistress’s piece the other day about fetishes, and crazy weirdo sex shit like that, reminded me of something.
I got a Facebook message from a female friend of mine from college. Not a friend from all the way through college, though. Maybe like, freshman year. You know, where the weak are separated from the rest of the herd that actually graduate on time and therefore they were only around for a little while?
After years, it was good to hear from her. We chatted a bit over IM, the usual palaver was talked about and that was it.
I sent her an email a day or so later, just the usual howdy-doody kind of shit. “Good to see you, glad all is well, say hi to your mother for me.” Exciting stuff. Had the personality of a grain of sand attached to it.
She replied a few days later with the same. “Good to see you. Yes, life is good, mom is still mom, I’ve been fucking a clown.” Good night and God bless.
Wait. Did she say…fucking a clown?
Now when I say clown, I don’t mean a clown like me, or the 3 or so clowns that every chick has had sex with in her lifetime. I’m not talking about that asshole Guido that is 27 years old, can’t keep a job, failed out of public school, eats all of your frozen pizzas and bums $5.50 off of you every day for cigarettes.
I’m talking about a guy that gets up, puts on a red nose, big fucking shoes, paints a smile on his face and punches the time clock like it’s a fucking ordinary Thursday.
When I read this, I was baffled. I had some real questions I wanted to ask, ones that were just eating away at me. Questions that kept me awake at night thinking about them. Like, when he eats you out, does he pull a never-ending colorful handkerchief from your vagina? Could he? Does he hand you a towel or a t-shirt to clean his semen off of your stomach, or does he spray you with his seltzer bottle? Do your breasts honk when you squeeze them? If so, do you laugh hysterically, really, when is that not funny?
Goddamn it. This is the shit that life is about people! I mean, I talk to people all the time, people I haven’t seen in months or years and I ask them how they are, what they are up to, what has life dealt them. I usually hear, “I’m a mom of three, blah blah” or “I’m a 4th grade school teacher in a great district with forty two weeks of vacation a year and a pension half the GDP of Rhode Island”. Boring.
No, this is what I need to keep me occupied, to know that this kind of stuff really happens to people. I crave pigeon racing farmers and delivery guys that get laid by bored housewives…and women fucking Bozo the clown.
Because I have bupkus.
She’s fucking an honest to goodness clown and I’m deciding if I’m going to eat pizza for dinner and wondering why my t-shirts give me belly button lint.
Not mine, for the record
Anyone else hear of any crazy “I was having sex with…” stories they’d like to share?
Nice belly!
That ain’t mine. I’m not that fat.
wonder if they have tried screwing in a clown car?
And are there 12 other clowns in it when they try.
I too wonder about belly button lint and where it comes from.
I knew a girl that was screwing a guy that lived on a chicken in a trailer with no a/c or television. Don’t know if that qualifies but I sure thought it was weird for her to go from riches to redneck so quickly.
What exactly is “on a chicken”? And how is it that it is so easy to go from riches to redneck in one evening and the opposite takes years?
Oops it was suppose to say “on a chicken farm”
and I think the transition from riches to redneck happens so fast because all people have a little red neck in them so it makes te transition easier, but once you are there its hard to get back out.
Holy shit! This certainly makes any oddness I’ve heard lately pale in comparison.
I think you have to write back for more details. It’s not for you, it’s for your public.
I already did reply with those questions. She LOL’d me with no real reply.
You probably just gave her good ideas for fun in the sack time.
Oh wow! I thought that was a little mouse in his stomach!
The most pressing question (and I think we could all agree on this): When she blows him, does his cum taste funny?
Does his red nose pop off in unison, is what I wanna know.
I just love the line “And I’m fucking a clown.”
Priceless!
I paraphrased, of course.
I know a girl who was a theme park worker at Disney. She was a Donald Duck. Anyway, her boyfriend nailed her in his car something fierce right before work and she then had to walk around all shift with a ‘just fucked’ smell all up in Donald’s hot business suit.
She said when she traded shifts the next person was complaining that the costume smelled like pussy. I’m dead serious.
OH MY GOD. *friends you*
That is the same tummy from this book I bought one time… I’d know that big belly button anywhere! I think it was called A Look at the Underbelly of Pop Culture.
Nope… not my tummy.
I know! I was joking.
You shave your belly
My brother came home totally freaked but laughing once just after graduating high school. A bunch of the new grads had decided to have a kegger in some farmer’s field and one of the guys got really into the mood. Being especially in need, he spotted a horse laying down. Guess you could hear him and the chirping of crickets from the way the bro told it and he’s not the best story teller. When they rest of the gang backed away from the returning guy he got mad. The convo went like “Dude, it was a dead horse!” to which his reply was, “Well, I didn’t know it was dead.” Like screwing a live one was any better. Can’t get much weirder around here, I hope. God, I hope.
This blog has taken a turn toward the bizarre in the last couple of days, I must say.
I have a major fear of clowns.. I can’t even imagine screwing one! Ugh. Thanks, now I’ll have nightmares about this. I’ll be getting into the act, then I’ll realize the guy is actually Pennywise from Stephen King’s IT!!
The closest to off-the-wall I get is a Hockey Player. A female goalie who actually used the line, “I’m supposed to stop guys from scoring” on me. And no, her name was not Manon.
Manon Rheaume was decent looking if I recall though, wasn’t she?