Q) The award-winning movie Slumdog Millionaire features street children in Mumbai, India. How can we help these victims of violence, poverty, and corruption?–Amruta Trivedi, San Diego, Calif.
A) India is one of those countries that I know exists but I pay no attention to unless I am bitching about a call center representative or making the famous “feather not dot” joke. I am sure there is some solution that involves Angelina Joile and a shit load of donations but honestly I have no interest in mapping a solution out unless it is a final solution. (Whoops, poor terminology, moving on.)
Q ) Do you think The Sopranos will ever be turned into a feature film?–Dale Gregory, Union, N.J.
A) Besides Little Steven who is touring with Bruce Springsteen who from the cast has a real and steady job? A few people are doing stage work or are appearing on shows that will be canceled shortly. (I am looking at you Michael Imperioli.)
One of my favorite things is when actors that are on a long running show or movie franchise say they want to distance themselves from the character they play. You pretty much don’t hear that from anyone on the Sopranos cast except James Gandolfini. It’s not like these guys have the greatest acting range ever. The guy that played Paulie Walnuts can only star as “the Italian guy” in so many commercials. He isn’t going to be up for roles as the tender grandfather any time soon.
“I know I had my differences with that kid…but maybe I didn’t do right by him neither. If you were his dad, I was his Dutch uncle. And what the f**k did I do but get pissed off? Fight with him over c**ksuckin’ f**kin’ money. And break his balls when he tried not to have a drink…or a little taste o’ snow.”
Q) I assume more than one pooch played Marley in the hit film Marley and Me. Am I correct?–Sally Weinstein, Aventura, Fla.
A) Please don’t breed Sally. Ever. Actually it took them years to film because they had to wait for the dog to age making it one of the most expensive productions ever.
Q) Many of today’s screen beauties have that pillow-lip look. What percentage of Hollywood lips are enhanced?–Bill Spitalnick, Newport Beach, Calif.
A) 67.3% according to the book “The Bill James Plastic Surgery Abstract”. James, who revolutionized baseball statistics, has brought his mathematical skills to Hollywood and plastic surgery. Did you know women with enhanced lips hits 4 times better with runners in scoring position than actresses without enhanced lips?
Hey Spitalnick where did you think we were going to get actual stats from on this?
Q) Why did Khandi Alexander leave as the autopsy expert on CSI: Miami?–Emma Freeman, Fort Worth, Tex.
A) Very good question. The easy answer is because she has a new show coming out on HBO but that isn’t the truth. It is really a little known fact that David Caruso has some very racist sexual fetishes. All I know is that I heard rumors about an Aunt Jemima outfit, syrup, a toaster, and his testicles. Far be it for me to judge but I wouldn’t blame her for leaving the show either, Caruso can’t be that attractive dressed as Aunt Jemima.
Does anyone actually like David Caruso?