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Why did Khandi Alexander leave as the autopsy expert on CSI: Miami? And other questions answered

By: Bobby Finstock on 02/3/09 @ 7:56 am

Q) The award-winning movie Slumdog Millionaire features street children in Mumbai, India. How can we help these victims of violence, poverty, and corruption?–Amruta Trivedi, San Diego, Calif.

A) India is one of those countries that I know exists but I pay no attention to unless I am bitching about a call center representative or making the famous “feather not dot” joke. I am sure there is some solution that involves Angelina Joile and a shit load of donations but honestly I have no interest in mapping a solution out unless it is a final solution. (Whoops, poor terminology, moving on.)

Q ) Do you think The Sopranos will ever be turned into a feature film?–Dale Gregory, Union, N.J.

pauliewalnutsA) Besides Little Steven who is touring with Bruce Springsteen who from the cast has a real and steady job? A few people are doing stage work or are appearing on shows that will be canceled shortly. (I am looking at you Michael Imperioli.)

One of my favorite things is when actors that are on a long running show or movie franchise say they want to distance themselves from the character they play. You pretty much don’t hear that from anyone on the Sopranos cast except James Gandolfini.  It’s not like these guys have the greatest acting range ever. The guy that played Paulie Walnuts can only star as “the Italian guy” in so many commercials. He isn’t going to be up for roles as the tender grandfather any time soon.

“I know I had my differences with that kid…but maybe I didn’t do right by him neither. If you were his dad, I was his Dutch uncle. And what the f**k did I do but get pissed off? Fight with him over c**ksuckin’ f**kin’ money. And break his balls when he tried not to have a drink…or a little taste o’ snow.”

Q) I assume more than one pooch played Marley in the hit film Marley and Me. Am I correct?–Sally Weinstein, Aventura, Fla.

A) Please don’t breed Sally. Ever. Actually it took them years to film because they had to wait for the dog to age making it one of the most expensive productions ever.

Q) Many of today’s screen beauties have that pillow-lip look. What percentage of Hollywood lips are enhanced?–Bill Spitalnick, Newport Beach, Calif.

A) 67.3% according to the book “The Bill James Plastic Surgery Abstract”. James, who revolutionized baseball statistics, has brought his mathematical skills to Hollywood and plastic surgery. Did you know women with enhanced lips hits 4 times better with runners in scoring position than actresses without enhanced lips?

Hey Spitalnick where did you think we were going to get actual stats from on this?

Q) Why did Khandi Alexander leave as the autopsy expert on CSI: Miami?–Emma Freeman, Fort Worth, Tex.

A) Very good question. The easy answer is because she has a new show coming out on HBO but that isn’t the truth. It is really a little known fact that David Caruso has some very racist sexual fetishes. All I know is that I heard rumors about an Aunt Jemima outfit, syrup, a toaster, and his testicles. Far be it for me to judge but I wouldn’t blame her for leaving the show either, Caruso can’t be that attractive dressed as Aunt Jemima.

Does anyone actually like David Caruso?

About the author

Bobby Finstock

Finstock is founder of Pointlessbanter.net. He is known for his encyclopedia like knowledge on the life and times of Scott Baio. In the future he hopes to write again under his own name in order to impress the ladies and build his celebrity to the levels of other failed internet writers.

15 Responses to “Why did Khandi Alexander leave as the autopsy expert on CSI: Miami? And other questions answered”

  1. cigar smoking, beer drinking lawyer says:

    *snatching sunglasses off* I always saw him as a Mrs. Buttersworth kinda dude. I hear Khandi got tired of having to say “I don’t know nothing about birthing no babies” after each of her scenes.

  2. stan says:

    *listening to The Who’s “We Won’t Get Fooled Again”*

    I hear Khandi got tired of being asked to change her name to “Florida”, only to have Caruso grab his sunglasses, clap his hands and shout “Dy-nomite!”

  3. The Rocketman says:

    At the risk of losing the respect of the other 305,740,436 people currently residing legally in the US, I actually like Caruso – but only in the CSI role. The awkward pasteurization of his (supposed) acting style actually plays well with this character; much better than in ‘NYPD-Blue’ or ‘Jade’, where he ‘played’ the same ‘character’ only in less believable situations – if such a thing is possible.

  4. Robot Monkey says:

    Oh yeah, “Jade” is da’ bomb! I mean, literally. I believe it bombed badly at the box office. It may be a bit of a misnomer to actually call it”da’ bomb” as that title might be rightly reserved for “Heaven’s Gate” or “Ishtar”. Um, David Caruso has been in shows that I never watch and movies I’ve never seen, so I don’t care.

  5. Chickylala says:

    Holy Crap…I can’t believe I’m actually commenting on this…Khandi Alexander left CSI more than likely for her own personal reasons or professional differences. Who cares REALLY. Sure I LOVED her on the show, but folks come and go….AND to suggest the Aunt Jemima comment is pure rubbish and rot. As to David Caruso, to some I’m certain he’s what is known as ‘difficult talent’ – nuff said on that. I like the man, dig his acting style and have no issues with the characters he’s portrayed. Then again, I don’t work on that crew/show so I have no inside knowledge of what really is occurring.

    Have a good day.

  6. Trisha says:

    My boyfriend has always had the hawts for Ms. Alexander. He loves the sistahs; don’t know how he ended up with someone as fish-belly white as me. Must be because I have really big boobs.

    Whenever I think of David Caruso I want to start screaming “FIRECROTCH! FIRECROTCH!” like I have Tourettes. I would do it so much funnier than that sweaty steaming pile of Marley poop, Brandon Davis.

    You know these are my favorite blogs.

    • Tori says:

      Firecrotch made me laugh harder than the actual post. Because EW. David Caruso is gross enough without thinking about his crotch, firey or otherwise.

  7. Vince says:

    They haven’t cancelled David Caruso’s crappy show yet?

  8. Darcie says:

    David Caruso creeps me out.

  9. Vixen says:

    Khandi Alexander left because she was tired of having to kiss David Caruso’s bony white arse every time thy had a scene together. And i can’t blame her.

  10. David Caruso looks like he’s made out of Play-Doh that was left out a little too long.

  11. Kobie says:

    While I couldn’t care elss why Khandi Alexander left the show, I will say that she has absolutely spectacular tits.

  12. Hoeanna says:

    As a redhead I am offended by his every movement and each breathe he inhales is a complete waste od oxygen! He makes me want to devise a plan to tie him up, dye his hair THEn let him loose in some random street in Watts!

  13. Carol says:

    I’ll help ya tie him up. What a waste!! Here is an actual acting job that someone with ANY kind of talent SHOULD have and they give it to this NO talent loser. Why does anyone put up with his crap?

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