(Editor’s Note: Just a heads up for those of you who don’t know, PointlessBanter is now open to guest bloggers. Just out the guest blogger’s page to find out more information on how you can guest blog. We just figure this is a different way to expose other funny people.)
Solving problems is as easy as finding someone to blame. The simple transfer of the world’s weight off your shoulders to the patsy of your choice enables you to free up the time and money that people spend worrying about bullshit like rent and traffic laws. After transferring my problems (or according to some nameless snivelers- “responsibility”) to the persons and institutions I found accountable for not allowing me to sleep late and listen to CD’s all day, I feel I owe it to you to correct some of heinous crimes currently perpetrating our existence by exposing the culprits and lighting the way to freedom.
Problem: THE ECONOMY
Let’s face it, they flushed the toilet. Everyone has a sad story to tell, and sadly you have the time to listen to the tales of living in Shit Sack City because you don’t have a job to excuse yourself to go to. Things are dire and much more competitive to the point where you are up against Christian Slater and Laura Bush for a waitstaff job at the Chilli’s by the mall. The only bonus from this is that the new homeless people smell much better.
Blame: THE METRIC SYSTEM
America became a world power based on a system of measurement that no one else understood. Miles, gallons? Que? Quoi? 什麼? That sounds like a lot to put in a bomb! FEAR THEM! The only thing that made sense to the rest of the world was the money we used, for the format was similar to method of grouping things in tens as it is done in the metric system. Once they figured out the conversion rate, we were fucked harder than a roofied prom date.
Solution: Going back to a financial system based on bushels of corn, chickens and whiskey. By the time the rest of the world catches on to what we are doing, the livestock hedge funds will have enough people working to fill the strip clubs again.
I would rather be punched in the face everyday at 3pm than be in a karaoke bar. Yes, the punch option is painful, however you know it is coming and when so you can brace yourself with the comfort that it will be over by 3:01 and you have the rest of the day to yourself. Karaoke NEVER ENDS! One douchebag after an other, belting out nasal renditions of Gloria Gaynor songs as if they really mattered. If there were any talent scouts there, all you would see of them would be the corner of their shoe at the back door.
Blame: THE BEATLES
Solution: Limiting karaoke bars to only the Beatle songs that they actually own which are: ”Love Me Do,” “Please, Please Me,” “P.S. I Love You,” and “Tell Me Why.” This would end this charade faster than pulling the fire alarm.
The new lepers of the 21st century. We have found a way to project charged hatred that was formally directed towards ethnic and religious groups, to a faceless section of society who are too universally hated to fight back. Smokers now rank below famine and N.A.M.B.L.A. Stepping out for a puff? You might as well announce that you’re off the kill a baby.
Smokers are the most unorganized people on earth. They never have the tools to perform the smoking ritual. “Hey, could I bum a cigarette?” “Do you have a light?” What kind of self respecting addict leaves the house without their gear? Non-smokers made changes and smokers are unable to protest because they were outside smoking when they held the vote.
Solution: President Obama is a smoker; get him to take a few drags at press conference, and after that, at a school. The rest will take care of itself.
We don’t fear death anymore, we beckon it. Extreme sports, Gangsta Hip Hop and Cellphone radiation spit in the face of extinction. If we fall ill, there is a pill to slow life’s demise at the small expense of occasional anal bleeding. No workday is complete without a co-worker exclaiming “Please kill me!” at the slightest infringement, knowing the cold hand of death is occupied watching “Dancing With The Stars” on Tivo.
The fear of death flatlined when it was announced that eating the sweeteners in yogurt can cause cancer. The universal response to that statement was “blow me.” If yogurt is to be feared, you should be able to rob a liquor store with it. If you go into a liquor store waving a cup of yogurt around, the best you can hope for is a refund from the cashier.
Solution: Causing some serious alarm will bring the public back around. Let’s start by changing the safety demonstration aboard an aircraft to just a photo of the airplane that landed in the Hudson River and a short speech that goes: “EYES FRONT! DO YOU SEE THIS? NOW BUCKLE THE FUCK UP!”
If you have gotten this far, you have read the whole post and can only blame yourself now.