Your Product Sucks
Is it me, or are some of these pharmaceutical ads really getting ridiculous? I just saw a full sixty second ad for Yaz, a birth control patch or pill that apparently you take every so often and then go off and fuck everyone and lo and behold, you don’t get knocked up. Sounds like a pretty sweet deal, doesn’t it? College chicks and loose women everywhere, rejoice!
Here’s the problem. Fifty of those seconds were filled with possible side effects and Surgeon General warnings about the use of this product. Really. Fifty seconds. Basically, the ad sounded like this:
Woman: Hey ladies! Wanna fuck the entire hockey team after the big game? Well now you can and you won’t get preggo! Take Yaz! Pop the pill, lie down and spread ‘em! Woo Hoo!
Female Announcer: Possible side effects of Yaz include mild nausea, vomiting, missed period, bloating, cramps, poor choice in male selection, breast swelling, vaginal crunchies, green ooze coming from your fish hole and purple piss…you’ll feel like a Slurpee machine, actually.
Women with heart trouble, herpes, blood circulation problems, kidney or liver disease, fat asses, tiny breasts, have red hair, love black guys and flash gang signs in random facebook photos should not use Yaz. Basically, if you use this product, you might die. But then again you won’t get pregnant, so boo yah!”
At least that is what I thought I heard.
Anyway, same goes for boner pills or old dudes having trouble urinating…any other pharmaceutical out on the market designed to help our naughty no-no parts…
And what the fuck is PMDD? I know about PMS, but now there is a whole other level of acceptable bitchiness for women out there? Holy happy shit people! I can’t wait to hear that excuse from my secretary.
Me: “Hey, Zoey! How are you today? Did Mr. Schitzenpuken call about that contract?”
Zoey: “RAWR! FUCK YOU ASSHOLE, YOU TINY DICK PIECE OF SHIT!…sorry, I have PMDD.”
Anyway, Yaz helps PMDD to some degree, I guess. Makes the hormones more regulated or something. So, you might not be a total fucking bitch anymore, but you might have blood clots and your vagin reeks of Mrs. Paul’s fisksticks to everyone on the elevator. So that’s cool.
Listen. I have the solution to our reliance on drugs to make our penises and hoagie-houses work better.
Don’t want to get pregnant? Pull out, stick to anal sex or give blowjobs.
Can’t get a throbbing boner? Get a magazine…or go to the Happy Ending Palace Massage Parlor and Restaurant, pay $50 and let Sook Mi take you to heaven. Tell her I sent you.
Can’t piss? Drink a lot of beer and water. You’ll be a regular water fountain pissing boy in no time.
But trading heart attacks, blood clots, weight gain and hair loss just to make sure that you don’t have a spermy infiltrate your kiddie bubble within the tubes seems drastic…if not lazy.
I have to go and make sure Zoey didn’t cancel my appointment with Sook Mi.
Mazel…good things.
I have had a rough week.
One kid had an allergic reaction to his seizure medicine, the other had a cold. I wrecked my car and got whiplash and now both kids have the flu. It’s been a pretty crappy week full of gross bodily fluids and a non stop running of the washing machine…
And then I read you post. *Ah!*
Something that made me laugh so hard those muscle spasms in my neck were briefly forgotten!!
Thanks!!!!!
Damn that is a shitty week. Consider it my pleasure if I could break up the crappy streak for you!
You should take some anti-depressants, muscle relaxers, and mood stabilizers, just in case.
Ha ha
That is all.
wow, that was a mouthful
easiest way to avoid children.
By the way, Stand, I’m going to nominate you for a Nobel prize. You managed to promote blowjobs, anal, pulling out, drinking beer, and asian handjobs all in one post.
Rock on man.