I’m All About The Flirty Girls

Look, we are all getting older, and we’re all getting wrinklier and fatter. I think about this a lot lately, basically because I am around some fine ass talent at concerts and local “gentleman’s clubs”…you know the ones with Huggy Bear in the corner freshly released from prison.

But, as I get older, I start to wonder why its so damn hard to stay in shape…other than round. I think about it when I’m walking, when I’m eating whole pizzas, every time that I get winded in the shower washing my feet, or have trouble seeing my penis without a mirror, I go on this little fitness kick to get my fat bulbous ass in shape.

Well, something has piqued my interest folks. Something new and exciting, something that I can relate to. My good Lord, they’ve harnessed the power of lost dignity…they’ve released…

Flirty Girl Fitness.

There I was, it was late, I was sucking back a six pack of Miller Lite tall boys eating all fat hot dogs searching the late night shows for those “Girls Gone Wild” DVD offers, just so I can TiVo them and imagine that I, too, am on some random college campus while white girls everywhere are inserting things into orifices and doing unsavory things that only happen in Thailand…when the Flirty Girl Fitness spot came on.

Mazel…good things.

Who knew that it was now abundantly clear that not only is the stripper lifestyle so warmingly looked upon, but that random ex-skanks that want to relish their old days of bar hopping and “backing into” the football team would embrace it as a way to stay fit!

The kit comes with a pole, a DVD and lord knows what else. It has workouts called “Booty Beat”, “Just Teasing” (they need to get rid of this one), “Beginner” and “Intermediate Pole Dancing” all the way up to “Full On Clam In Your Face”…actually they don’t have that one, but I don’t care. This is groundbreaking.

Now, I never said I would do the workout, because, well, that would be flaming gay. But it does bring up another point or two that I would like to know more information about before I start recommending this item to every woman that I know that I feel needs a, how shall I say it, a boost to get the fat off their ass.

So, here I go:

Question 1. Will there be a moratorium on lawsuits placed for those women that should not be anywhere near a brass pole, let alone flying on one?

I can see some real heifers not consulting their physician before pursuing such a program and in the process end up straining a quad or a gunt muscle. Or are lawyers on call?

Question 2. Will the DVD include the following:
- Extra floor support beams for the women that don’t peel off 30 before trying it.
- A male fitness counterpart…you know a douchebag DJ kit that comes with a DVD on how to dance/dress like a dickhole.
- Instructions on how to give proper lap dances, you know, in case somebody wants to watch?
- and if somebody does want to watch, how about Monopoly type fake dollar bills to give that real strip club feel?

And speaking of that “real strip club feel”, will it also include…
- A blow up Pacman Jones, maybe a Ray Lewis? How about a random NBA baller? The doll can come with an electric fan and extra fake c-notes to “make it rain” for even more authenticity…maybe even a bonus CD of gunshots and screaming! I mean, if you’re gonna play ball, you might as well feel like it’s Dodger Stadium.

All in all, I think it’s a great idea these skanks, errr, Flirty Fitness chicks have come up with. Now, I’m no misogynist, I only play one on TV, but I think all most some women should try it. I would pay good money to see chicks dance and swing on poles in the name of fitness, instead of the other reason I see chicks dance and swing on poles…

Wait…they DON’T want to go home with me?

Balls.

What do you think of this idea? How does it rank on the money making scheme chart?