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Am I a good boyfriend? A Seventeen Magazine Poll

By: Bobby Finstock on 01/27/09 @ 8:00 am

People do self-evaluation all the time. I wanted to know that for my time on earth have I been a good boyfriend? Sure I could go and ask my old girlfriends but what fun would that be? Instead I decided to check the one source for all things relationship oriented, seventeen.com. Of course they had a quiz, “Is he a good boyfriend?” So I put on the Jonas Brothers, put the Hills on mute, and decided to answer the questions and see if I am truly a good boyfriend or not. Here are the questions and my answers:

1) When you’re having a bad day, your boyfriend:
Listens to you gripe but interrupts with stories about his day.
Tells you to get over it because lately every day is bad for you.
Tells you how wonderful you are and buys you ice cream.

My answer: Where is the fourth option where I just tune out the entire conversation while eating a mandarin orange fruit cup and mentally debating if I would sleep Jamie Lee Curtis? Also I would like to add that answer three leads to years of them “eating their feelings” don’t be an enabler!

2) Your friends like your boyfriend because:
He’s a big flirt and calls them “pretty.”
He knows their names and talks to them when he runs into them.
He’s nice to them (and you!) when you’re all hanging out in a group.

My answer: Really do I even need to answer this? It is option three because of the “group option”. I think you know where I am going with this. Cue the funky baseline, the cheesy dialogue, and fill the kiddie pool with KY. Being the lone guy in a group of female friends is the worst position to be in. You know they don’t want you there because you are making them hold back from their typical conversation of nicknaming every guy they dated and tackling explicitly about your junk. That’s right ladies, I am onto you!

3) You and your guy are studying for chemistry and he says:

(I reject the question on principle girls can’t participate in science. Any that do should be stoned as a witch. Note: Apparently that answer is still only correct in Afghanistan.)

4) Your celeb crush on Robert Pattinson is a little much, but your boy:
Took you to see “Twilight,” and lets you guys about Rob’s good looks and hot accent every now and then.
Gets upset when you mention Rob or any other guy.
Went with you to see “Twilight,” but doesn’t like it when you talk about him otherwise.

My answer: Bwahahahaha… Twilight. Me seeing Twilight, funniest thing I have ever thought about. Actually the correct answer is that we have the “if I ever have a chance to sleep with this celebrity I can and you can’t get mad talk.” My choice? Bea Arthur of course.


5) The meanest thing your guy has ever done to you was:

Have the waiters at your fave restaurant sing Happy Birthday – it was embarrassing.
Yelled at you during an argument, calling you stupid.
Not call you for three days during one of your fights.

My answer: I have never done number one, I have never called a girl stupid but I did attempt to sleep with her best friend while she was in the same apartment, and I have gone weeks without calling on principle alone. Yes, I realize I am a massive asshole and should die alone.

6) It’s your big gymnastics meet and you’re really nervous. Your boyfriend:

(Wait… my girlfriend in this hypothetical situation does gymnastics? Please strike everything from the record. Unless she is super underdeveloped and hasn’t gotten her period yet because he parents treat her like veal.)

7) What is the best quality about your boyfriend?
His good looks and sense of humor.
His caring attitude and how he always knows what to say.
His social connections

Answer: I think you can all tell by the humility, grace, and tenderness that I have shown throughout this combined with what God has given me… I have none of the three. Damn.
Results: I don’t want to look, I am afraid this is going to put me into a shame spiral where I will have to eat all my feeling or visit strip clubs for a week straight. No guts, no glory…

Apparently I am a bad boyfriend. There is a long synopsis written in italics that I am too lazy to transcribe.

How accurate are the quizzes in any female magazine? 5%, 25%, 100%?

About the author

Bobby Finstock

Finstock is founder of Pointlessbanter.net. He is known for his encyclopedia like knowledge on the life and times of Scott Baio. In the future he hopes to write again under his own name in order to impress the ladies and build his celebrity to the levels of other failed internet writers.

33 Responses to “Am I a good boyfriend? A Seventeen Magazine Poll”

  1. Charlotte says:

    I can’t answer your question until I call the psychic hotline cuz like, for sure, like, like they are like, so freaky!

  2. Erin Happycamper says:

    LOL @ Bea picture.

    …now that “hot like me” song is going to be stuck in my head all day long.

  3. I can’t believe that the shit Seventeen Fish Wrap print sells while we are struggling to earn a living. I’ve come to the conclusion that we write stuff waaaay to high brown to be successful.

  4. Vince says:

    Seriously who writes this crap? Not your stuff the seventeen magazine stuff. I think the person that wrote this article and the corresponding answers should be force fed ice cream until they shit themselves.

    • Really it could go either for them or me.

      I like how they impose what a perfect boyfriend would be by how they constructed their answers.

      • Vince says:

        The funny thing is that its a magazine written for teenage girls that have no idea what a good or bad boyfriend is because they have only had a few by this point. The girls that read this are going to be in for a big disappointment when they get older and realize that guys don’t really change all that much.

    • I’d say women who have never had a date in their life who hang out in their bedrooms reading Anne Rice Vampire Novels (the adult equivalent to Twilight) except that I pitched to Seventeen Magazine a couple of times and they didn’t hire me.

      • LightGrenade says:

        I read all those horrible books. Homo-erotic vampires are funny. Did you know that apparently they have perpetual hard-on’s but can’t do anything about it? Kind of like me all through high school, just less(more) homo-erotic.

  5. Mike says:

    I’ve missed your blogs. I remember being inspired by them. Good shit.

  6. Amanda says:

    Isn’t it lone, not loan?

  7. Tits McGee says:

    You’re a redundant boyfriend, muthafuckaaaah! :)

  8. Branwyn says:

    The answer to the original question is 5%. If not less.

    SlackMistress: They didn’t take you on because they couldn’t handle a real woman with real opinions and a brain. Their loss.

    What’s even better is the fact that my 12 year old reads Seventeen. It runs right along that mentality line….Maybe they should call it “Tween Magazine”.

  9. Kristina says:

    So really, would you sleep with Jamie Lee Curtis or not?

    The public has to know…

  10. Jaime says:

    I love Seventeen magazine quizzes, mostly because I laugh at how stereotypical the answer choices are.

  11. discotrash says:

    my mom used to buy this shit for me to get me to be more “normal” LOOK THE GIRLS IN THE MAGAZINE DON’T HAVE PINK HAIR, WHY DO YOU HAVE PINK HAIR?
    *head desk*

  12. patrick says:

    I always wondered how you would be in bed but now I know you would be a selfish lover

  13. Thomas says:

    Duh, everyone knows that the best way to hook up with a girl is to hang out with a bunch of gay guys. They attract women like a bug-zapper covered in maple syrup attracts insects. Women get comfortable in the company of gay guys and thus comfortable in your company. Later, when they want lovin, you’re the only one who can provide.

  14. Chance says:

    “It’s like that saying, ‘in the poker game of life, women are the fucking rake.’”

    “What are you talking about? What saying?”

    “Well, there outta be one.”

  15. Hoeanna says:

    Why would an adult male be taking a “boyfriend” quiz in a kids mag anyway? Fuckin cho-mo!!

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