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Why is Gwyneth Paltrow rarely seen with husband Chris Martin? And other questions answered

By: Bobby Finstock on 01/19/09 @ 8:00 am

(For those of you who don’t know Parade Magazine is an insert that is put into the Sunday paper. It is just a complete waste of paper. Each week the most pointless questions are asked and answered inside their front cover. Here is my take to this week’s questions.)

Q) Why is Gwyneth Paltrow rarely seen with husband Chris Martin? —Lori Cullen, Lexington, Mass.

A) You know that is a very good question. I hate to say it but you are right they very rarely appear in public together. Is it because of paparazzi? Is it because they are on the outs? Or is it because Chris Martin is kind of a douche?


The whole uniform thing is a bit much. When the military like garb is worn it is usually the time when I start disliking the individual. (Unless they are actually in the military.) Also if they talk about themselves in the third person or if they give themselves nicknames it is time for me to stop caring.

Q) Glenn Close is great on the FX series Damages, but when will we see her on the big screen? —James M., Buffalo, N.Y.

A) Yeah I can’t believe all the roles she is missing out on for 61 one-year-old women on the big screen. Oh wait that’s right. There aren’t any.

Um James… I never knew you were such a big Gleen Close fan.

Q) I’d never heard of the new American Idol judge, Kara DioGuardi. What can you tell me about her? —L. Powers, Oregon City, Ore.

A) These are the types of questions that just crack me up when it comes to Parade Magazine. We are supposed to believe that a person took the time to e-mail this question or hand write it. Like they are sitting in there in their home and wondering who is Kara DioGuardi and how can they can find out about her? They then think that their only possible source of information on her is an insert in the Sunday paper. That is less believable than any plotline on “Nip Tuck”.

It is questions like these that show how the questions are completely planted by PR or networks. Because… guess what show just came back on their air? This is what kills the entire premise of the questions being sent in by readers. Wow I am way to upset about this.

Q) Will Smith became a Hollywood star after the ’90s sitcom Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. But what happened to the three actors who played his wealthy cousins? —K. Kat, New York, N.Y.

A) Who cares about either of the female cousins? Carlton is still working by starring in .gif files found on message boards everywhere.


He is at the apex of his career. Actually that was “Silver Spoons”, the train in the house rocked.

Q) My pals and I had bets on whether Britney Spears would make a full comeback by the end of 2008. Do you think she’s back? —Christi Conroy, Virginia Beach, Va.

A) I have a really hard time envisioning a bunch of women sitting down and creating a bet around Britney making a full comeback. Not because I think women don’t gamble or that they don’t gossip but because the structure of this bet is impossible if more than one person is involved.

I think these would be much more enjoyable bets to make:

-When does she fire her father as manager?
-Who has the next baby first her or her sister?
-When is her next stint in rehab?
-How many more albums does she release before posing in Playboy?

Now does anyone want to bet? What Britney related bets would you like to propose?

About the author

Bobby Finstock

Finstock is founder of Pointlessbanter.net. He is known for his encyclopedia like knowledge on the life and times of Scott Baio. In the future he hopes to write again under his own name in order to impress the ladies and build his celebrity to the levels of other failed internet writers.

16 Responses to “Why is Gwyneth Paltrow rarely seen with husband Chris Martin? And other questions answered”

  1. Robot Monkey says:

    How long before she takes a page out of the Lohan playbook and starts claiming she’s “bisexual” and is seen hanging around with C or D list celebrities? (Of course, that last part may have already happened.)

  2. Charlotte says:

    When will Brit make a video about you and strawberry shortcakes?

  3. LightGrenade says:

    Man, Carlton is cool and all, but do you know how many times I’ve pleasured myself to a mental threesome with Hilary and Ashley? Mmmm…jack off medicine.

  4. James M from Buffalo says:

    Its not me Kevin. Im not into senior citizens.

  5. Meghan says:

    I’ll have you know Alfonso Ribeiro is hosting the commercial breaks for the Game Show Network, giving away digital picture frames to callers in between 1979 episodes of Card Sharks.

    (I got sick on vacation and it was the only thing on TV)

  6. Don’t knock Glenn Close. She is one handsome woman.

  7. JD says:

    hell, don’t knock glenb close, she’s my grandma!

  8. Trisha says:

    I didn’t get the memo that Chris Martin was a rock GOD. I mean, really? **gag** And with that Sgt. Pepper-esque jacket- he should be flogged.

    Is American Idol still relevant? I haven’t watched since Season 1, and even that I’m ashamed of.

  9. LightGrenade says:

    Alright, I’m giving away some man-credits here regarding Chris Martin, but I liked Parachutes, and I don’t hate Viva La Vida, though those guys ARE super overrated. Plus I think it’s awesome that Hype Williams directed the Viva La Vida video. LOL, that guy directed Big Poppa by B.I.G.

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