Why is Gwyneth Paltrow rarely seen with husband Chris Martin? And other questions answered

(For those of you who don’t know Parade Magazine is an insert that is put into the Sunday paper. It is just a complete waste of paper. Each week the most pointless questions are asked and answered inside their front cover. Here is my take to this week’s questions.)

Q) Why is Gwyneth Paltrow rarely seen with husband Chris Martin? —Lori Cullen, Lexington, Mass.

A) You know that is a very good question. I hate to say it but you are right they very rarely appear in public together. Is it because of paparazzi? Is it because they are on the outs? Or is it because Chris Martin is kind of a douche?

The whole uniform thing is a bit much. When the military like garb is worn it is usually the time when I start disliking the individual. (Unless they are actually in the military.) Also if they talk about themselves in the third person or if they give themselves nicknames it is time for me to stop caring.

Q) Glenn Close is great on the FX series Damages, but when will we see her on the big screen? —James M., Buffalo, N.Y.

A) Yeah I can’t believe all the roles she is missing out on for 61 one-year-old women on the big screen. Oh wait that’s right. There aren’t any.

Um James… I never knew you were such a big Gleen Close fan.

Q) I’d never heard of the new American Idol judge, Kara DioGuardi. What can you tell me about her? —L. Powers, Oregon City, Ore.

A) These are the types of questions that just crack me up when it comes to Parade Magazine. We are supposed to believe that a person took the time to e-mail this question or hand write it. Like they are sitting in there in their home and wondering who is Kara DioGuardi and how can they can find out about her? They then think that their only possible source of information on her is an insert in the Sunday paper. That is less believable than any plotline on “Nip Tuck”.

It is questions like these that show how the questions are completely planted by PR or networks. Because… guess what show just came back on their air? This is what kills the entire premise of the questions being sent in by readers. Wow I am way to upset about this.

Q) Will Smith became a Hollywood star after the ’90s sitcom Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. But what happened to the three actors who played his wealthy cousins? —K. Kat, New York, N.Y.

A) Who cares about either of the female cousins? Carlton is still working by starring in .gif files found on message boards everywhere.

He is at the apex of his career. Actually that was “Silver Spoons”, the train in the house rocked.

Q) My pals and I had bets on whether Britney Spears would make a full comeback by the end of 2008. Do you think she’s back? —Christi Conroy, Virginia Beach, Va.

A) I have a really hard time envisioning a bunch of women sitting down and creating a bet around Britney making a full comeback. Not because I think women don’t gamble or that they don’t gossip but because the structure of this bet is impossible if more than one person is involved.

I think these would be much more enjoyable bets to make:

-When does she fire her father as manager?
-Who has the next baby first her or her sister?
-When is her next stint in rehab?
-How many more albums does she release before posing in Playboy?

Now does anyone want to bet? What Britney related bets would you like to propose?