Unless you make it big, it means you’re a dork
I was taking a shit today at a friends house. It was a normal chocolate smoothie with a hint of nuts and other assorted chunks that smelled of Gary, Indiana…the kind that makes me proud that I have lots of fiber and very little water in my diet and that those skid marks will NOT come out by letting the water “flow over them”.
My friends poor wife. That fat bitch.
Anyway, she happened to have an Us Magazine sitting in her little library next to the commode. Normally I would use this as poo paper, and I tried reading the back of a shampoo bottle, but I had read it before. The boxes of those tampons, whoa Nelly. How you women bleed for five days and live is beyond me. Thank god I have outdoor plumbing.
So, I was reading this Us Magazine, and one of the main stories in it was about Blake Lively, this hot little trollop whom I have no clue is, but I’ll tell you, I was glancing at that Jergen’s bottle ever so lovingly, if you catch my drift people. Mazel…good things.
Blake Lively, as I found out from her wikipedia page (the bible of all, well, things) is a starlet from Gossip Girl and the movie Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants and it’s follow up Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants: Holes in the Crotch or whatever, who cares.
It seems that as a girl, poor Blake was made fun of because of her choice in clothes as a kid. She had a thing for going to antique boutiques and picking out clothing with her momma and then wearing them to school, so when she went to her private school, the rich kids saw her taste for clothes, called her a shit load of names like, “Doody Head” or “Stupid Face” or “Whore” or whatever 2nd grade girls call each other. She was traumatized and is now pissed (probably toward that spoiled rotten, rich bitch, fat ass fucking twat Whitley Crustycrack for picking on her).
And now that she is a star, she has spilled the beans to Us regarding her feelings about being picked on and wants all the gossip following losers to feel her pain.
“The more they work with me and see my style, and the more I learn about fashion, the more input I have,” she says. “It’s more collaborative now than it was in the beginning because then I had no idea what I was doing.”
Yeah, toots. You’re the star.
Look, Blake.
I’ll go out on a limb and say that you were a complete fucking clown in school weren’t you? Had a passion for the dramatic…always were acting, probably were goofy looking, right? Face it. You were a theater dork. And theater dorks get picked on because they are, well, dorks. Low on the food chain. Self-esteem of sewer rats. I get it. I played football. I picked on your kind relentlessly. You were a tool.
There is a little lesson that I learned early in life, Blake. From a guy named Crash Davis. You don’t know him because, well, he’s fictional, and he is from 1988.
But he once so eloquently said,
“You’ll never make it to the bigs with fungus on your shower shoes. Think classy, you’ll be classy. If you win 20 in the show, you can let the fungus grow back and the press’ll think you’re colorful. Until you win 20 in the show, however, it means you are a slob.”
My point is, when you make it to the big times, you can wear whatever the fuck you want, up to and including nothing, and the press will think you are special. Until you make it onto the big screen, you are a fucking dork and the target of many rich kids jokes about how how your Strawberry Shortcake underwear has shit stains on them.
In other words, Blake, deal with it. You’re hot and rich.
In the meantime, Blakey-poo, if it makes you feel better, I’ve printed your picture for target practice.
Mazel…good things.
So, who feels bad for celebrities and their traumatic experiences as kids?
fuck her. she was already famous by the time she got to high school. every famous person says they were picked on in high school so that fans feel a sense of camaraderie or some shit. everyone gets made fun of for SOMETHING in elementary/ middle school.
sorry i meant to say *every famous person says they got picked on in school*
I never heard of her. I knew I jerked off to her sister in “karate Kid 3″ a few times, but never knew of Blake.
And you are right, everyone got picked on for something. I got picked on because my mom INSISTED that Stadia shoes were the exact same as Reeboks. That’s trauma to a 12 year old.
Oh, and your grammar was correct the first time, but who the fuck am I to tell you what you think is right, eh?
Waaa I make millions of dollars, have tons of clothes, nice cars and a huge house but that doesn’t make up for the fact that I was teased in high school, and the people that teased me are now pumping gas and that doesn’t make me feel better either, so I have to whine to a magazine waaaaaa.
I know celebs are people too but seriously they never have to worry about half the things that regular people do.
I wonder what would happen to celebrities if people stopped paying as much attention to them as we do.
They’d whine more. They wouldn’t go away, they are born attention whores.
Nothing. But you would still be a pathetic, worthless, whine geyser bitch.
I was a theatre dork in High School, the ultimate of such dorks, the president of the school drama club.
I wasn’t hastled. This is probably because of the assumption that I was a budding sociopath. On my third day as a freshman in HS I was picked on by the JV starting quarterback and one of the varsity linemen. I broke the former’s left elbow, not his throwing arm but I did sideline him for a season, and knocked the latter unconsious with my six pound literature book.
I did get some threats my senior year when I assfucked the tailback’s younger sister in front of a dozen people but all I had to do was remind everyone of that fateful day some three and a half years earlier.
When you’re the little guy, violence can be the answer.
Wow, you must be the exception to the norm. Or a really big guy, like Ethan Suplee, who I wouldn’t fuck with. That guy would kick my ass.
Nice of you to break the QB’s non throwing arm, by the way. You get kindness points for having a heart.
Hold up. Robin Lively is Blake Lively’s sister?
I.did.not.know.that.
Robin Lively will be forever known as Teen Witch. Where is she now anyway? Didn’t she make a brief appearance on ER or some shit?
And you know every one of you men out there read Us Weekly if it’s available and no one is looking.
And The red haired ‘Rusty Griswold’ from Natl Lampoon’s European Vacation way back in the day is also Blake Livelys brother…
Teen Witch is the shit.
Roos-tee is a Lively brother? Damn that kid was a fuckin’ goofy looking fella.
Robin Lively is married to some tool, I assume. Probably Jerry O’Connell at some point. That cat has been married to everyone it seems.
And I love those rags mailbags. SOme of the stupid ass shit people write about to Us and People are so idiotic. I feel dumber reading them.
That quote by Crash Davis has so much essential truth. I have based my entire life around that line.
Well, most of my life, anyway.
That means you are a slob then, correct?
Unless you spent your younger days at Neverland Ranch your youth draws no water works from these eyes. Even then I don’t really have sympathy for you…I blame your parents for letting a grown man with a chimp and a gloved hand tuck you in on weekends.
“I blame your parents for letting a grown man with a chimp and a gloved hand tuck you in on weekends.”
With a can of Jesus Juice.
Well, let’s see…you pretty much covered the spectrum in the time it took to take a crap. Kudos!
bull durham is the win