Hey, Terrorists. Here’s an Updated List For You
So, I’m dicking around on this here interweb and I came across a serious article. I assume it’s a serious article because it was on Yahoo! OMG page, so, with all the credibility in the world, I attached my retinas to that story like Gary Glitter attaches his penis to Vietnamese children.
Apparently, the “terrorists”, which by the tone of the article claims that it is anybody wearing a towel on their head, have created a target list of prominent Jews that they would like to take out. The towel-wearing terrorists (which must include that hot neighbor of mine that insists on wearing a towel out of the shower with the blinds open every morning. Nothing like getting your day started with a monster boner of the non-piss variety), are really serious. How serious?
British anti-terror expert Glen Jenvey told The Sun that these threats should not be taken lightly: “The Ummah website has been used by extremists. Those listed should treat it very seriously. Expect a hate campaign and intimidation by 20 or 30 thugs.”
It’s pretty clear that these extremists are out to kill anyone that smells anything remotely like Old Spice and McNuggets. But the highest profile person on their list was…
Amy Winehouse???
Ha…haha…hahahaha…BWAHAHAHA!
Seriously? Was Jon Stewart too lofty a goal, I mean, he is Jewish and much more prominent than Amy “Likes to Fight With Frying Pans” Winehouse. Stewart must be your equivalent to hunting Grizzly Bears.
You had me, Mr. Terrorist. I was like, “Whoa, Mr. Anti-Semite. You’re freaking me out now” until I saw her name on the list. Let me ask you Kal Al-Ergictosoap. How out of touch with the entertainment industry are you? You do realize that the top person on your list that hasn’t done anything of remote significance within the past, well, ever. Unless you consider hospital visits for “medical problems” (see: overdoses) remotely significant.
In fact, by offing Miss Winehouse, you’d only be expediting the inevitable. Killing her would be like beating up my Junior High School football team and bragging like it was the Super Bowl. Sure, you can celebrate, but the outcome was never in doubt. So she dies by fiery destruction. Only in her case by herself, it is because her Crystal Meth Lab blew up.
If you want me to take you seriously, Sir Drakkarnoir, you’re gonna have to come at us with a higher profile, bigger-challenge name on that list. Lucky for you, I am here to help. Here. Take a few names from my list. You can thank me later.
Bernie Madoff and everyone that invested with Bernie Madoff.
Ryan Seacrest, Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt (they were all together at the same time for five seconds last night. You blew it.)
Bill O’Reilly
Anyone and everyone from the movie “Twilight”
New England Patriots fans, actually Massholes in general
People who seriously write about Red Carpet Fashion (I’m looking at you “anne” from OMG!)
The Flabby Armed “Christian School Mom” that flipped me off and called me an asshole
and…
Anyone that reads this here pointlessbanter and takes anything written on here seriously.
That should get you started, you idiots. In the meantime, let people that know what the fuck they are talking about pick who you should kill. It’s only a matter of time before I see Chevy Chase on your list. He’s been dead for years. Well, his career has been anyway.
Care to contribute? Who else should I have included?
Elizabeth Hasselbeck (whatta twit), Tamra and Vicki from Housewives of OC, that crazy Casey bitch who killed her own kid, and Super Jabs from MySpace (<–that one’s for Finstock).
That got caught in the spam filter… his complete and utter failure is satisfaction enough for me.
I think Bobby might take exception to your Casey Anthony request. He wants to nail her in the pokey and last I checked, he wasn’t into necrophelia. I think.
Abe Vigoda? Lot’s of dead pools and bar bets would get paid out. Might even stimulate the economy.
Yesterday would have been a good day to take out “The View”. Ann Coulter was on there, so two birds with one stone.
Al Franken. Seriously, how did he get elected?
The “Kidz Bop” folks. C’mon, we all know they are putting forth hidden messages from ______(insert whatever is really evil to which ever terrorist group here).
Carlos Mencia. Could be their way of apologizing to the rest of the world and trying to get on our good side.
Ann Coulter was someone I took off last minute, so we’re on the same page.
Abe Vigoda has a pretty large death pool going eh? I might need to lay down some coin on that action.
Oh, and Dane Cook. Just because.
…Too easy?
My comment didnt post
Elizabeth Hasselbeck (twit), Casey whatever her name is who killed her own kid, HeidiSpencer idiots, and Vicki and Tamra, hags from Housewives of OC. Not sure if they’re Jewish though.
Haha! I knew I had a funny one in there but I couldnt remember what it was that I said. I think Im doing my oral presentation for my Journalism class on the subject of MySpace, don’t be surprised if I hit you up with questions, Finstock- ya know, since you are MS alumni
That is no problem… Plus I have the whole academic view on it from a social media angle…. Whatever you want to know.
Awesome!
Tutor=free bj
And apparently I am chopped liver. Where do you think I cut my teeth? The Great Space Coaster?
I kid, I kid…
Aww.
*pets*
Madoff is a good one as well as the countrywide guy that basically started this whole mortgage mess. I am also with you on Massholes.
Terrell Owens, Joe Buck, Steinbrenner (both of them), Jerry Jones, all the anylists on all the football shows including color commentators(except Lee Corso who is extremely annoying but is also pretty funny). I have a ton more but I figure I’d just give sports ones.
Can I throw Tim McCarver in as well? It sounds as if his mouth breathing is contributing to a lack of oxygen which is making him sound more dumb than he already does.
Damn I can’t believe I forgot him. Add him and probably all commentators and sportcasters in general. And that includes Stuart Scott who use to be awesome but now has become more annoying than the other side of a pillow.
Good call on McCarver. Let’s not forget the mental hemorrhoid that is Stephen A. Smith. Or Skip Bayless (sticking with the ESPN theme and marking my 2nd Bayless reference of the day). Also, Woody Page.
Robot Monkey makes a really good call with Stephen A. Smith, I mean pretty much everyone on ESPN can be tossed out.
And is it just me or is Rachel Nichols just plain trifling. I don’t find her attractive at all and her head seems to be huge!!!
Please, please, please, someone kill Maria Carey. I really can’t take it anymore.
LOVED your opener, Tinman.
Oh, how I do love when you rant!
I vote for any two celebs that have had thier names merged into on one word title like spidie, or brangelina…good lord!!!
Wait…are spencer and heidi considered celebs???