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Please don’t argue on the internet

By: Bobby Finstock on 01/12/09 @ 4:39 pm

So I was on a sports message board the other day and this kid kept lobbing remarks about people being gay. It was really annoying not just because the remarks were offensive but because they weren’t funny. After the 50th homophobic joke I chimed in with the following response at like 1:30 in the morning… I didn’t realize what I wrote until I checked it today. I think it was too good to leave just on that site.

From Bobby Finstock: Look I wasn’t gay until your father touched me.

He stopped by my parents house one day visibly distraught. Sitting down on the couch he put me on his lap and told me a story about his retarded son and how he scored so low on his school aptitude test that the only job he would be able to hold was one as a squeezable mustard bottle. Not even the guy that runs the machine that fills the bottle but the bottle itself.

He then said he feared that his son would spend his days arguing on the internet and trying to sound tough while making homophobic remarks.

I laughed and then boldly exclaimed that I had all my teeth, could read, and didn’t spend my afternoons attempting to futilely blow myself. Your dad got a massive erection when hearing this because I wasn’t like his son… Thus making it my first gay experience.

About the author

Bobby Finstock

Finstock is founder of Pointlessbanter.net. He is known for his encyclopedia like knowledge on the life and times of Scott Baio. In the future he hopes to write again under his own name in order to impress the ladies and build his celebrity to the levels of other failed internet writers.

28 Responses to “Please don’t argue on the internet”

  1. PokerVixen says:

    Well played sir.

    Did he respond?

  2. Nae says:

    You are such a mess… but I will admit that was funny as hell.

  3. Vince says:

    That is a great response. I can’t stand message boards, especially the ones on Foxsports.com articles. Everyone on there just continually lobs racist and homophobic remarks to the other people on there if they don’t agree with their opinions. Its absolutly ridiculous. And the sad thing is most of the people that spew the hate are all Patriot and Red Sox fans, I guess they are trying to make up for 100 years for New England sports bashing.

    • I can’t even listen to sports talk radio around here. Don’t get me started about NE fans.

      That is why I like deadspin at least people are witty on there. I know it isn’t a forum but with all the comments it might as well be.

      • Vince says:

        You and I are of the same opinion on NE sports fans. Even the bandwagon hoppers that just recently became NE fans are ridiculously obnoxious.

  4. Skorp says:

    I’m guessing there will be a job opening as Mustard boy now that this guy has taken his own life. Shame.

  5. Dennis says:

    How could anyone respond to that?

  6. Meghan says:

    Thats awesome. Some 45 yr old loud mouthed Pats fan started arguing with me in a Boston Townie Bar and my response was ‘Whoa!? Do you kiss your gay son with that mouth?’

    He didnt appreciate it.

  7. Katie says:

    Hahaha well played. However, I am reminded that arguing on the internet is like winning the Special Olympics…when all is said and done you’re still a retard.

    • Scott says:

      Personally, I prefer “Arguing on the internet is like competing at the special olympics; even if you win, you’re still retarded”. I feel it has a nicer ring to it.

  8. Marcie says:

    The best part about living in NE is the ignorance of (most of) the fans for Boston and the Pats. The gay jokes, the racism, even bar fights and murder. but the best part is the fighting on the internet…

  9. A Mustard bottle is a step up from it’s bastard counterpart, the Pickle jar.

  10. kate says:

    that was freaking awesome lol. how could anyone have a comeback to do that?

  11. timethief says:

    An awesome put down for sure. ;-)

  12. Robot Monkey says:

    I bet it was actually Skip Bayless masquerading as a kid. Much like he masquerades as a sports analyst.

  13. Mark says:

    Yeah that is a priceless response. LOL

  14. Chickylala says:

    Well ya know “Bobby Nonstick”, I’ve always heard and have to agree, that arguing on the Internet is likened to the Special Olympics – it’s just retarded. And if anyone is gonna attempt to ream me a new one, pa-lease don’t bother, because I speak SARCASM fluently.

  15. Chance says:

    sounds like some ole bullshit in the CSF

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